Jason International

Thanks for asking I think that homosexuality has roots in disfunctional way of relating to others especially to individuals of same sex. Often the first man we related to in wrong way  is our same sex parent.

As I have a relationship with Father God through His Son's death and ressurection, I am loveable enough(from God) to convert all my wrong relationships with other human beings into healthy and ballanced ones. This is because God gives me completion and love, I am not afraid of being abandoned from others,friends or relatives or parents, I am not afraid that people may not like me or use me. I am related to God's love and this gives me freedom to choose my relationships, to optimize them , not to give myself to others with no terms. Faith eliminates fear, and freedom is the key for healthy,ballanced relationships. 

Homosexual feelings get reduced and I fill my heart with the joy of having friends, having loving parents, gaining respect from men, connecting my manliness to other heterosexual men, this is the way that I build my new heterosexual identity.

Y

Will You Still Love Me Now?

Some people look at same-sex attractions only from the sexual side. If you forget the emotional aspect of them, you might get nowhere very fast. You will most likely try “not to do” something and give up with much frustration instead of finding out about that huge desire in you that yearns for love so much it hurts. It might realize that it’s looking for it at the wrong places, but this is all there is for now.

When I enrolled in Homosexual Anonymous’ online-program, I did that with little conviction. I kind of “stumbled” over H.A. and had never heard of such a thing before. Neither did the thought ever cross my mind that the state I was in had something to do with the way I lived my life or that somebody would seek not to live that way. But, be it like it was, I messed up big time and when I found out about this program, I thought why, you did it your way for so long and look at where you ended at. You might just as well give that new thing a try. And so I did.

Go to a weekly church service they suggested. Have you any idea of how long I had not been there? What the heck. I am the kind of person that is very result-oriented, so when I decided to register I thought I will do everything I can from my side to give it a real shot.

Read the Bible on a daily basis they said. I had never read the Bible just like that ever before, so that was kind of weird to me. But what the heck. Let’s go for it. Where to start? Psalms sounded good. And John. Wasn’t that the one Jesus loved? Sounded good enough for me. And to this day I believe that was the best choice I could ever take. Once you’ve been there, the pain expressed in some psalms take on a different meaning for you. You realize this guy had been where I had been. Likewise with John. There are the Gospels – and then there is John. The one who sort of drops out from the rest. The one who talks about love, light, darkness. I craved for that.

Read some useful literature they said. So I read my way through all that ex-gay literature. Don’t get me wrong – that is very useful and important.

And yet I forgot one thing. You might already guess it. I covered my spiritual side and the scientific knowledge of what this is all about – the reason.

Sounded alright for me. I knew now what was the right thing to do and to believe in – and why.

Well, that kind of worked for a while. That was easy, I thought. You just give up the sex stuff and BOOM you’re done. What’s all that fuzz about then?

Then one of my best friends came over from the USA to pay me a visit like many times before. Years ago we had sex with one another, but after we dropped that we stayed (or became) best friends.

To cut it short: We spent awesome days together here in Munich, Germany. I found my soul mate. Somebody who struck a cord that nobody else struck. I dreaded the day he had to leave.

One evening, we were in my apartment (thankfully he stayed at a hotel). He took place at a chair and myself at the couch. I asked him to come over and tried to sound as innocent as I could. He looked me in the eyes and asked “Why?” – and stayed where he was. We both knew why. Had he done it, I’d have probably gone for it. Yet, even though he still embraced the gay life himself, he loved me enough to respect my decision and protect me from myself.

Then came the day he had to fly back to the USA. I took him early in the morning to the train who went to the airport and afterwards went to my job.

The same day I had a business meeting outdoors. It was a cold and rainy November day.

I left the office and went to join the customers.

Almost there, I walked through an empty street and felt the rain on me. What I also felt were there tears streaming down my face.

I went into the doorway of a house nearby and collapsed.

There I was – knowing the truth in my mind, but it somehow hadn’t reached my heart yet. So while I was sobbing like a baby I told the Lord that I cannot stand this any longer and that I needed Him badly. This was eating me up and I did not know what to do. I needed someone in my life that filled that huge void in me. Whoever the Lord sent me, I would accept him.

Nothing happened. I pretended I was alright and kept on going, expecting to crush down anytime soon.

Then one day I got home from work and the phone rang. “Hi, my name is John”. I stood petrified. Without any further explanation I knew this was the one God sent me. And as I later learned, it was the same for John. Sort of the lame helping the blind to walk. John later said sometimes the Lord scans the earth to find two that go together well.

And the Lord continued to bring wonderful people into my life. André, Bill, Christian, Mark R., John O., John J., Doug, Mark E., and more. Men that showed me what a true friendship is all about and that sex actually kills it.

God also helped me mend all those broken relationships during the time where I left nothing but burnt earth behind me.

He showed me that I need not be alone just because I did not have a gay lover.

Many times after I came back to Him I struggled as I knew that my past life was not what brought me to where I wanted to go and yet had no idea of where the present way would lead me. I had to give up everything. That might sound like not a big deal for some, but this was all I had and all the people I knew. That helped me cope with my pain and giving it all up meant jumping off a cliff not knowing if someone would catch me. I had to give up things, behaviors and attitudes that were my security blanket. Once I even felt deep love for a man in my heart. I did not “go for it” and tried my utmost to stay on the right path (which I did, just for the record). I knew I had to give up this “love”, even though it tore me apart. It hurt like nothing before and I was a 100% sure I would not survive that – neither physically nor mentally or emotionally. But I hold on with the little faith that was left in my heart to God. Over and over again I heard very clearly a voice in my heart saying “I know that hurts. Will you still love me now?” And each time I said “Yes, I will still love you. It will kill me I suppose, but I will still love you”.

And God has been faithful. He led me out of this situation to true freedom like He led me out of so many valleys.

How could I ever deny my God that has always been good to me?

I will love Him no matter what.

Rob

Apart from the basic of christianity I would say:

(In particular order)

*Acceptance from others

*Support network of HA Tft, people I can really trust.

*Man-ing up to situations

* Affirmation from men, particularly in the context of male activities, eg sports

*Walking in forgiveness towards male members of my family. 

*Getting on with the Fathers Business, ie., serving others and sharing gospel. 

*Honesty with self and knowing my limits.

*Applying 12 steps.

These are some of the things that have helped me:

On the Spiritual Side

Faith

Reading the Lord  Set Me Free by ha. 

Started attending a support group

Reading Scriptures

Fasting 

Having  faith 

Learning and sharing what I had learned

Attending a  Church 

Accepting Yeshuah as my personal savior and the  One who died  for me at Calvary. John 3:16

Applying the Holy Scriptures to my  life 

Learned/learning the difference between right and wrong 

Started learning to love myself, others and Our Heavenly Father 

Started learning to be honest with self and others

Learned/learning how to forgive myself and others

Developed a beautiful relationship with Yeshuah, the Holy of Holiest. 

Depend on Him more than humans 

Read books like The Search For Significance

Went to Spiritual retreats for men

Heard testimonies about other men who had gone or were going through transformation 

Listened to Gospel, Praise and Worship & inspirational music 

pray 

On The Human Side 

FAITH

Developing a positive attitude

Not giving up

Continued  working on my goal

FAITH

Learning about my self

Getting new friends

Having new  friends who are supportive  

FAITH

Got rid of porno 

Stopped doing drugs for the most part

Continued doing healthy activities like music, dancing, bike riding, gardening

Stopped going to the gay bars

FAITH

Learned to have healthy relationships

broke up with my same sex lover

cut down on drinking 

FAITH

learned self - control example no longer masturbate

learning to be conscious of my thoughts especially sexual thoughts 

learning to be non-judgmental towards self or others learning 

promoted  my new identity in Christ as a man 

identify myself as becoming a new man in Christ no longer gay identiD

FAITH

Developed healthy relationships with people, family, others

Started learning new ways to behave 

Changing my behavior 

Learned to make better decisions 

Learned to be independent as well as interdependent on self and others. 

Started being hopeful

Started  being grateful

Started being thankful 

Developed  friendship with men who are not in ssa  life style  

What has worked?

---FOR ME--

1. Love God Fully, accept His Love daily, and demonstrate my Love for Him—faithfully.

2. Then, as a result, Love others fully by actively demonstrating that love thru me to them—Daily.

I have given this MUCH thought because of my analytical nature to test, try, and prove. As a result, I have come to understand that I spent too much time thinking about WORKING and ACTING, and less about truly  BELIEVING and BEING.

I had to come to the place where I accepted my identity because of  Christ, NOT because of what I had been led to believe, or convinced myself to believe….or could even do to change it.

“For as long as I could remember, 

I felt different from everyone else—especially peers.”    

This drove so much of my strife, stress, and striving!  

The thing that WORKED——that actually changed my beliefs and therefore my behaviors—was realizing that I was created personally and uniquely with gifts, talents, and abilities by God—who created me for a personal and unique purpose—for Him.   

I learned….

Attractions are part of our created make-up…….I had those.

And Visual attractions are highly keen in males…..I had that.

BUT

I was WAY sensitive as compared to my male counterparts.

FOR ME——

My main divergent gifting/thinking was actually bring keenly sensitive.   

I sought the same sensitivity to no avail in males, but always found it readily, even prolifically available in females.   This began changing my belief system foundationally——and also my destructive self-talk.   That was the point it began to be solidified and confirmed by my male peers (and family members)—I changed.   Then, when I then experienced additional ridicule and isolation in church settings……I further began a Journey of resentment, anger, and justification.

What changed?

FOR ME

God impressed on me, personally--over time as I seriously sought to fully trust Him—that He wanted to use my long-identified bain of sensitivity to actually grow His Kingdom, bless others, and affirm my personal, unique place as an agent of His grace.

Because He demonstrated His love for me with the ultimate gift exchange——His death, for my life—-I could honestly and wholeheartedly embrace my unique gifting(s) to demonstrate His love for me to others.

The WORK that worked….FOR ME

……..was to truly align what I believed about myself in God with what I did.  Not unlike a familiar AA phrase “aligning my insides with my outsides.”

This Journey of clarification and discovering my true, called identity has released the gravitational pull and push of Grace in my life.  This also released —FOR ME—my self-imposed cycle of shame and guilt that so drove my spiral of acting out and using others.

Now the real question….

HOW HAS IT WORKED???

God has given me a new love, appreciation, and desire for my wife of 36 years.  

God has allowed me the freedom to honestly acknowledge my attractions, but now know I don't have to choose to feed the temptation with action. 

God has allowed me to meet some wonderful people that have been just as messed up as I was—and now understand—with me, how the masterpiece God created in me was influenced to become---or be treated---as a mess-up.

God is now allowing my sensitive nature to bridge the gap for many men in my life to better understand, appreciate, and love their wives.

It has also given me the courage to be honest with other brothers about my “hindrances” and they with me as we grow a community of encouragement, affirmation, support…..with full mutual rights to call out each other under Christ.   

The AMAZING thing is how it is STILL WORKING and growing in my life!!   I now get to see Him and experience Him daily.

This FOR ME is the continuing, successful WORKING......Authentically experiencing the Grace of God in flesh and blood that puts NO emphasis on manifesting behavior(s) of sin but on the unifying, freeing mutual realization that we are ALL BROKEN and act out of that brokenness—and GOD alone holds HEALING for BROKENESS!

Finally——FOR ME----because of my analytical nature to test, try, and prove,

I discovered that it was  less about me WORKING for fixing and acceptance in my own power, and more about daily BEING with God and then fully accepting and being accepted by others as a by-product of God's love and grace directing our lives.

Blessings and JOY in your personal and unique Journey, 

my world-wide brothers!

P. (TX)

Great question, Rob!

My Journey to freedom from SSA has totally been attributed to my renewed and refined daily walk with Christ and then His providing me with wonderful Christian brothers, especially OSA brothers, who love me and accept me.....and then walking together with them in healthy honesty.

God is now using (intervening) so many wonderful resources such as this HA bulletin board group to keep connections strong and growing.

Really, finding and understanding my personal receptors for affection, attention, and affirmation have really given me a new outlook and acceptance of my Identity in Christ.  Information from many sources, HA, Living Hope, Setting Captives Free, and Biblical 12-Step have all combined to help me claim my original identity in Christ as a LOVED SON!    

The Journey continues.....but I no longer do it alone, and I am getting MUCH better embracing my full acceptance by Christ, rather than withdrawing or isolating.

The BIGGEST revelation to me is that my OSA brothers deal with so many of the same character faults as I do, they just choose different behavior manifestations to compensate or cover.     

The FUN part of my recent Journey is that as we are having rigorously honest conversations, we are finding that we are SO much more alike than we are different.....AND before the Cross.... WE ARE THE SAME!!!

Christ died to give me LIFE-----Living in Freedom Everyday.

I am sad at times that it took me so long to really claim it....but so THANKFUL!

Rob, that is the "WHAT" Question that is best answered by me with an "WHO" answer!     

Blessings and Grace....for this day, my brothers!