Joshua
Here Joshua's testimony. He is a member of our online group.
Dear all:
Here is the my story that I wanted to share with you all of the early years of my life and the part it played in the formation of SSA and gender insecurity. They were very painful years but through which our Lord Jesus came in and touched my life when I was 18 years old and me receiving his love and salvation when I was 21 years old. It is rather vulnerable sharing but that is what ultimately we are here for, to give our lives to serve each other and share with each others of the redemptive power of God in our lives amidst the mess and chaos. God bless and God be glorified!
I’ve got a feeling of weirdness since rather early in my childhood. I was a delightful young boy in pre-school which is as normal as others. I enjoyed preschool and primary school days of playing and learning. Rather friendly and sensitive, I got to befriend girls quite easily. I liked playing outdoor sports a lot and would play basketball frequently with the boys along with other games and go swimming classes together. This lasted until primary 4, when bullying and name calling was to come in. It started with a group of them, on loggerheads with me and seeing my sensitive disposition, proceeded to join hands in bullying me, calling me nicknames and spreading the rumors to the class and to others from other classes. I realized then it was a traumatic experience for me which I couldn’t verbalize then. I kept fighting back against the bullies but it was me against many of them and they managed to robe in more of other neutral guys to turn against me.
I didn’t know how to express to my parents and on occasions when I complained, they asked me to just focus on my studies and ignore all this nonsense around me. I could feel an oppression against me, a huge dark force starting to zoom in. I tried also to have some classmates trust or help me, but at that age, many of them were forming their own clichés, which I found difficult, and also I was left alone to fend off the ever increasing bullying. I started to become very defensive and detached in my ways of behaving and built unconscious walls between me and others. I also started to hate the boys who taunted me and also the other friends who weren’t strong for me. One significant occasion, an attached male teacher believed my words and punished the significant few of them. That caused me to like the male teacher a lot cos he really stood up for me and I was greatly vindicated and felt the euphoria of it.
When I was in Primary 5 onwards, I became rather isolated, defensive and fearful of my surrounding. I also liked reading fictitious novels like the “Hardy Boys”, “Famous Five” and other Enid Blyton ones. I was very enthralled by the children’s adventure stories and their friendships. I could do very well academically, so I concentrated all my time on it burying my head in books and doing assessment papers. As a result of that, I was appointed monitor which I felt very inadequate and disliked. I also became very insecure because of the name calling and bullying that was always carrying on and I started to feel a sense of oddness and being different.
At this time, I also got to know an extroverted athlete in my class who excelled in many sports but failed in academics. I was ok with sports but excelled in academics. We started becoming friends and then better friends and then one day he actually pressed me down physically on the chairs in classroom and pressed his lips forcefully on mine. I remembered being shocked and shamed by it, though feeling strangely “excited” by the touch. It was to repeat for quite often and against my will at many times. I started to react to it, sometimes in panic, shouting out for help, but often I couldn’t match his strength over me.
My impression of dad in early years was vague cos he was off for work in morning and usually back late in the night. He usually came back late cos he did not have that good a relationship with mum. Mum also found companionship in playing mah-jong or eards with her friends whom she goes to their house or invite them over. As such, my sister and I became very much acquainted with the groups of women who were at our place often.
I somehow blended quite well with my mum’s friends maybe because I was the only male in their midst and I enjoyed and liked their showing of motherly affection towards me. I also liked the game of mah-jong and the ability to even substitute for my mum at short times.
In my childish innocence and spontaneity and hunger for attention and love, I’d often clown and act to enthral mum and friends. I would sometimes even be daring to clown in skirts to elicit laughter and attention. My mum who was ignorant of developmental issues, did not stop me, finding my clowning amusing.
I came to receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour through the ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ in 1994. It was a huge blessing to me cos I was thoroughly blessed through God’s work through the ministry. I was placed into a discipleship group with my current pastor then as my discipleship group leader. It was divinely arranged, I believe, cos I had felt much attracted to his character and personhood. When I realized he is from the same church as me, the divine became even more apparent. I, however, was petrified of my “attractions”� to him, labeling it in my mind as “homosexual”. I thus painfully avoided him, even in glances and looks, trying to appear calm and collected. God would not have it this way cos at that time, this fellow church mate, who incidentally was an army commando officer, was going through a work of our lord in discipleship call in his life. He invited me to his discipleship group, though I agonized much over it. “How am I to manage these attractions whilst in this group”� I pondered then.
As God was working deeply in his life, he started writing letters of agape love and concern to me and his godly intentions to go through a journey of discipleship with me together with our Lord primarily. I could see his character in Christ and thus agreed, through much fears. I also started the harrowing journey of even “outing”� my SSA struggles to him for accountability which he took it with great concern, sensitivity and assured me through his actions that it didn’t bother him much. I got to know that God had already been using him to minister to some brothers who had sexual struggles, including himself with fantasies and masturbation. (One of them was an elder member in church who suffered from SSA and had gone through operations on a tumor in his brain. He knew of my struggles too and encouraged me a lot in beginning of my Christian journey). God indeed had him become like a spiritual father to me, as like Paul to Timothy. I even shared of that friendship to the crusade fellowship, not really knowing what I was saying except that somehow God gave me that impression.
My attractions to him, however, unexpectedly intensified. I watched him lead groups with integrity and him also very much a natural leader in the ministry. I wanted to know him more and care for him but he couldn’t seem to respond as I wanted, deeply. I started to see how I was transferring lots of childhood unmet needs onto him and it became an unbearable stress on the friendship. Unconsciously I started to become jealous, possessive and demanding. He, however as a more mature brother in the lord, and also someone with acute sensitivity to the pains I was experiencing, and himself growing in relating deeper as a friend and brother in Christ, many times urged that we must not just give up. Although my demands, I learnt had to be surrendered to Christ, and I learned to grow out of unhealthy emotional dependency. God honored the intentions to walk through with Him and helped us grow a lot.
As though “interesting”, I came across a person, in one of my Math university lectures, who looked so attractive to me and masculine then, sat in front of me. I was struggling and lamenting cos I felt difficult to concentrate on the lecture and also trying with great efforts not to look at him. As it turned out, most shockingly, my disciple introduced him as the new member to our DG group! I remembered when I first got to know this, I was thinking “God, this is too much for me! I can’t handle this”. God thought otherwise, cos by divine coincidence again, this good looker friend became rather attached to me as friend and would share with me deep things of his life. His father was actually alcoholic and would at occasions abuse the family. He was also an intense person, who just came to know Christ not long and was seemingly hungry for deep friendships too. We became very close friends and I remembered for the 1st time, that he, together with my discipler, celebrated my 21st birthday with me, through an overnight supper and movies, then going to the beach. Indeed, I was much blessed through the strong friendship bond I forged with this brother and even the group I was in through much sharing, prayer and support.
I made very good friends with campus crusaders too, whom I shared my heart out with, prayed with, journeyed with, agonized with over our struggles in our studies, laughed with, worked together in planning leadership camps, doing skits and performing dramas. It was God’s way of replacing my dark years from age 13 onwards to 18 (last 2 years being in junior college where my depression was full blown), with these fantastic memories in university. That was like a tremendous honeymoon period which I’m really thankful for.
It then became challenging when in my 2nd and 3rd year, underlying repressed pains ,suspicions and old manner of thinking and behaving started affecting me along with many episodes of struggles with depression and compulsive masturbation, fantasies and viewing explicit male model pictures or body building magazines habits of past. I’d do my studies very much alone at campus, going campus alone and do tutorials alone at school. I wasn’t connected and I was a lot living like a living zombie, afraid that others will see me alone. I also started moving away from Campus Crusade fellowship because I was unable to take on discipleship groups as a senior and I felt judged and worthless. I was struggling very much with my studies. I realized that I disliked the many modules I was taking in university, except for maths. I hated the laboratory sessions and attending lectures as my inside started disintegrating and the panic attacks started coming back.
As the addiction and emotional issues worsened, I then, through the counseling ministry of campus crusade, came to know of a support group that helps people struggling with same sex attractions. I was excited to meet people who have the same struggles I had and who could understand what I said and felt. It was a relational haven for me from my inner world of irrational fears and loneliness. Also through the teachings, I came to understand the multi-faceted causes to SSA - psychological, social emotional and spiritual roots of it. All the while, I kept only thinking of the spiritual side of my struggle, not realizing that SSA is also much rooted in early childhood woundings and inner vows, defensive detachment and same gender bonding difficulties with father and peers.
I was extremely nervous on my 1st few support group meetings as I never had friends who would openly say they have this struggle and share about it in a group. Gradually though, it became easier for me and I felt very accepted and loved. I also began sharing my struggles to the group for the 1st time in my life, without advice or judgment thrown in. As I became more familiar with the support group, I unconsciously forged such an alliance with them that they became my world. I would go out shopping, watching movies, travelling and incessantly talking and chatting over phones over relationships, longings, and friends’ past and present relationships or difficulties. I also started to become very interested in my own looks and wear and would get lots of opinions from my new found friends and went about “transforming” my image to look hip and trendy.
Suddenly over the few years from 1995 to 1998, I started to forge a new self. The teenage part of me which was not expressed and kept frozen during the formative years from secondary school to army came to life. I slowly put off my Christian commitments or Christian self and jumped into “exploring” life with them. The self which had been starved of an identity switched from being a religiously committed Christian to be a “liberal”� one. I started supposing that Christianity should be without rules cos it’s grace and reinforced even more when I hear of different members sexual history .
Things came to a halt in 1999 when I sensed the leader of my support group, a very flamboyant and charismatic one, moving the group in liberal ways and having a false theology of the Christian faith as I understood and being brought up in Campus Crusade and church. It proved fatal cos the group leader was steering away almost all peers from group from initial commitments of obedience to God. He was however a very influential role in the support ministry in leading the youth and young adults group, who were supposedly to be the next generation leaders. He later emerged as the pioneers of pro-gay Christian apologetics and upon conflicts with the ministry leaders over his Christian theology, left the ministry. He then pioneered the pro-gay Christian ministry and support groups and even church. The damage proved to be severe as I saw my peers one by one embracing the liberal theology or going into a gay lifestyle. I felt greatly confused, alone and yet struggling mightily against lust, pornography, masturbation, fantasies.
I was not exempt as I was thrown into a whirlpool of confusion and darkness where my faith also started to waver and I backslided even further.
The pain became unbearable as I trudged and slugged through each day, with a heavy, overwhelming “rock” of SSA lusts and obsessive compulsive masturbations. I was unable to share with any group anymore cos the support group basically disintegrated upon that leader’s leaving. Again, at the slightest opportunity, my already shaky faith was rocked to the core by lies that I’m going to hell for my repeated uncontrollable sinning episodes (bearing in mind I haven’t acted out sexually yet). I became very suicidal and hung by the barest thread to life though a few times, I almost did it when I was crossing the road. God preserved me and pulled me back from rash decision like that.
At this time, my dear pastoral/mentor brother himself had just gotten married along with many others in same age bracket in my church and having young babies. I really couldn’t identify with them then cos I was panting under the oppressive depression crushing me almost daily. Most unfortunately, the brother in my church who had been encouraging me, who himself had SSA struggles had a third attack from his tumor in brain and had to go through another operation. He came out of operation with partial blindness in his eyes and went into deep depression which proved fatal and too overwhelming for him. He committed suicide by jumping from a flat and it sent shock waves through the whole of my church. I, who had been trying to “minister” to him during that period, was overwhelmed and from that period on, I almost couldn’t work nor function anymore, sinking deep. At my deepest point of despair over circumstances in my life, I heard a voice in my mind “I’ve gotten him finally, and the next one is you!”�
From then on, I just gave up on my faith, fully “convinced” that I am reprobate and waiting to be sentenced to hell. I had by this time fell headlong into internet online pornography too. That was the starting of year 2000.God stepped in mightily again with the sustaining encouragement of my crusade mentor who by now was my church full time worker/assistant pastor. We would meet weekly or biweekly, where I’d share and pour my depressive thoughts out, him at that time also going through challenging crisis in church with few members, shared his heart to me also and we prayed often.
Then in 2003, I, on the verge of full blown addiction to internet pornography, went into the world of gay chat rooms cybersex with strangers online, and phone sex. I began to step out of boundaries and acted out sexually with a male sex worker. That was the last straw cos the false sense of pleasure in the sexual encounter gave me a relief that was almost drug-like. Indeed, it became a drug as I got pulled deep into the world of sexual encounters with massage workers and sex workers. It was a reprehensible regret till now in my life. I became all the more isolated again just to indulge my strong and powerful drug - lust and sex. I also started drinking to numb lots of pain within. I was hitting rock bottom.
At this time, I sensed myself becoming out of control and started crying out to God often. God heard my cries and started sending brothers from other ministries to reach out to me and minister to me. I got invited by them to join in their church cell group and also relating more with others. I also started to use my spiritual gifts of worship leading and intercession in the cell group and was affirmed in doing these. The support group I had been attending before had also now reorganized and got a pastor/counselor to oversee the ministry and overhauled it. As God would have it, I rejoined them in the “alumni”� group and got reconnected to healing in my life again through group sharing , accountability and prayer.
In year 2007/8 I returned to my church and joined in the community of fellowship, though at this time, accumulated much “dirt”� and brokenness through the sexual acting out and pornography, very much like the prodigal son. It was tough yet sweetened many times by the support that my church mates would give to me. Of course, my unprocessed raw emotions of bitterness at seeming abandonment of church and their inability to help with the SSA and addiction issue surfaced with vengeance. God did not “zap”� me of these poisonous emotions but let them out for me to see and deal with them through confession, accountability and repentance. At the year 2008, my church also with the leadership of my disciple/mentor as lead pastor, went through a journey of repentance to uproot, replacement to take root and revival to bear fruit - a vision and word that God gave to him in 2Kings 19:29.
I went into the whole process together with my church in the overhauling and uprooting of all sins and ungodly patterns in our lives to move into the call of a church wholehearted to God for disciple-making. I started enjoying the church retreat with fellow young adults brothers and sisters and it was awesome and the memories unforgettable. I also forged a friendship with a group of singles young adults who had various emotional and spiritual struggles that obstructed their growth. I was myself coming out of addictive patterns of sexual acting out and internet pornography which started to very slowly thaw. I then attended Exodus Asia Pacific conference for the 1st time in Singapore with my alumni support brothers, and that was truly an eye opener where I saw the enormous problems presented in coming out of SSA. I was then to relate with some brothers who were going to start a new ministry to the sexually broken , called “liberty league”. I worked with them and volunteered with them with much joy and purpose, in my heart, hoping that the ministry to same sex broken people could be grounded and established here. I was then led, I believe, by God to enter into a period of inner healing with a healing ministry here, dealing with the bondages, inner vows and bitter root judgments and early life woundings.
I remember in year 2007 when I attended another Exodus Asia Pacific Conference in Malaysia, that I felt a stirring within me of being involved to help in ministry to same sex broken strugglers. “God, if you can use me, then use me”� was the stirring in my heart, though after some time putting it behind me, as I went into the hum drum of life again. From then, along with the divinely coincident repentance and discipleship journey in church, I started another wave of repenting of even deeper life threatening issues like pride, vengefulness, resentment and the huge big narcissistic “Self”� that was nurtured by my years of rebellion of living in the “lifestyle”. I now start really to see that being gay is really a putting up of worship of Self, Youth, Body and Looks that has got to be torn down and brought to lordship of Christ.
Then for a large part of the end of last year until now, I put my hand to the plow to vigorously deal with my pornography and sexual acting out by weeding out internet altogether from my home and only using it at church, putting away use of smart phones and video-watching. God’s words prove true when our lord shared on radical amputation of anything that has the power to enslave us to sin. The underlying issues of masculine identity, gender insecurity and fears started to float up to surface and then the deeply paralyzing episodes with depression that began this year which pushed few times to suicidal despair. I, though, am starting to learn that our Christian journey is really not for the faint hearted and is meant to be radical and life transforming. Christ, our lord, never sugar honeyed His words in the gospels and neither did the apostles in their writings. I am relearning over again and trusting!
Joshua
(used with permission)
Yoseph
I found forgiveness in HIS Son Jesus Christ. As I write this my eyes are misty or watery. I turned to drugs at too early an age. I started masturbation and became compulsive with it. I learned to hate, to steal, to lie, to cheat, to hate my life & was lost as a non-believer.
By age 15, I was already committed to a mental institution. I tried committed suicide several times. My self esteem was shot. I had crying fits and was severely depressed and confused. I was broken, lost. How I survived is beyond me. I could not study at school I was too emotionally damaged.
I drifted into the gay ghetto life at a young age. The drugs, the promiscuous sex life, the diseases, the lovers, the violence, the hate, the jealousies, sexual addictions, the loneliness and on and on.
I saw many people die of aids, suicide, violence, over dose on drugs, or go to prison for life sentences.
How did God bring me out of this trouble?
I was 27 years old. I had been tricking at a book store in downtown San Antonio. I had sex with 12 different men that morning. I walked out and said to myself. Is this all their is to life? You have sex grow old and then die. Is that all there is? I am talking to myself. Then I walk to the Alamo and for the first time in my life or in 10 years. I look at the sky at the top of the Alamo and I guess I said my first prayer it went like this. I had not spoken to God in 10 years. Looking at the Alamo and towards the sky I said, "God, If you really exist can you please give me a sign." Then right there and then. Some girl comes up to me and tells me, "Smile Jesus loves you."I said what, she said, "Jesus loves you." I replied, "I never knew anyone ever loved me in my life." So, then I accepted Jesus right there and then. I told her the prayer or actually what I had said to God If, you really exist show me. She was so happy to explain to me. How Jesus loved me and died for me. The Alamo is an old mission. Then she introduced me to her husband and her friends and the guy was married but use to be gay. She said something like he was a homo. The next day they picked us up. They had witnessed to some guy named Ernest he was gay, some Muslim name Hasan he was from Iran. I guess all 3 of us accepted Jesus that morning and the next day they picked us up to go to Church. I had not been in Church in years so you know I was all scared and just stood there. But, I remember the sermon. Wow! I got to hear my first Christian sermon and go to a Christian Church for the very first time. The sermon was on Mechak, Shadrack & Abendigo. To this day I still remember it. From there my life starting changing little by little. I was back on the right rode. I started believing again it would be a long process for me.
Yoseph
(used with permission)
B.
Oct 15, 2005 Saturday
Dear Dad,
If you were still alive, I would tell you how much I really realize how much I HATE YOU and How very ANGRY I AM AT YOU. Dad, I hurt. For years I stuffed down all my pain until my life became unmanageable. I immediately started seeing A sex counselor AFTER I LOSS MY JOB TEACHING AT NIGHT AT THE LOCAL COLLEG, and two months later I found myself before a judge with a one year probation. After 19 months of seeing my therapist and going to group therapy twice a week, I am started to feel and stop feeling so numb inside. Today (Sat Oct 15, 05) while I talked w/my counselor about my difficulty of being around prostitutes and watching plays and movies that show rape scenes, I told him that over 90% of them hate men, because they were sexually abused. There was prostiute in my recovery group who said she stomped on dad?s grave in anger. I feel like driving back to Detroit and doing the same thing to you. So I can relate to them because of my sexual abuse from Peggy and men in my life as a child. As Barney told me that for prostitutes that it power they feel over men seeing their wakeness in wanting them and not able to control themselves, but they control the men for their revenge, I saw that I hate probably hat men too. As I walked back to my car, I realized that my anger was actually towards you, that I would never admit to it. Like it was some kind of taboo. I find that I hate you more than my sister, Peggy, because her sexual abuse was one time, but you abused me for over 31 yrs by your attitude towards me. You were distant, you never spoke to me, you called me a bastard once at age 10, you loved my brother more than me, you never showed me how to be a male, you never protected me from all the women and men that sexually and verbally abused me. I was abandon by you and mom until 3 am because you would go out drinking in the bars. I was afraid to go to bed until you guys came home at night. I would sit in utter fear that someone would break in the house and kill me, because of Tracey breaking in the house and you almost stabbed him. You gave me a distortion view of God that I told myself He did not care to protect me and that He was very distant. You never once told me you were proud of me that I survived going to Vietnam and being the first in our family to get a college degree. I hate you for leaving mom for another woman and then she took you back and you showed no change but lived in your alcoholic and gambling life style. You showed no love to me but was very cold. You did not fight for mom but denied that she had lover, but once acknowledge it by calling me a bastard. My hatred towards you has made me a SELF CENTER BASTER JUST LIKE YOU. This led me to hooking up with men over 40 to find the love of my dad, because I was emotionally locked up at age 5, when Peggy raped me. You never dealt with or cared that I wet the bed until I was 10 yrs old. My anger towards you has destroyed my life, my marriage, and deeply hurt my kids. When I would share my traumas there were no feelings, but after today?s session I am realizing that my anger was towards you that I can now acknowledge the feeling from my abuse. I forgive you because I do not want to stay in bondage to you and this anger. I am tired of being like you. I know you had a hard life, but it does not excuse the wrong choices you made, nor does it excuse me of my actions and wrong choices that I have done to my wife and children. I am grateful that I am able to work thorough this with my children before I die so that we can have reconciliation. I do not know even if you were still alive, if it would be possible to sit down and discuss this with you. I release you dad from my anger and may you rest in peace.
Love your hurting, angry, and forgiving son,
B.
I am B. and I am a child of living of God.
I am grateful for the grace of God in my life and I am grateful to be part your support group.
Where do I begin to share. I am traditonal father/son conflict of desire for my dad's love. Currently I live in Lancaster, PA area. I have been in recovery two years this March, but cannot say that I have not relapsed during the process. Only by the strength of Jesus and you brothers am I hanging in there. I go to SA meetings in Harriburg, PA and I also attend HA meetings in Reading, PA. I have been married 28 yrs and I have a wonderful christian woman who has stuck by my side after all this came out and I have two terrific kids (son and daughter). They know about their dad betraying their mother and double life I had lived for 14 yrs. My son is still angry with me and my daughter and I have been able to work things out.
I have studied and work in Germany, where I began going into the gay life style while on business trips. I was 40 yrs old when I went the first time in my life to gay bar. But it was not until I met a German guy in Koeln, that I got hooked from the most pleasant experience of my life. I thought I had found what I was looking for. Love from a man who fill the love I did not get from my dad. I knew in my heart this was wrong, but was terribly afaird to try and get help, because of what happen when I told the truth the first time. Just before I went to Germany, after I went to gay bar in Detroit, Michigan where I grew up, I hooked up with a guy. It was not what I thought it would be and went home and told my wife and the pentcostal church what I had done. My wife was horrified and the church treated me like reprobate and my family as leopards.
If I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I would have never set foot again in another church.
Shortly after that my wife came after me with a butcher knife and I ran for my life. Then a couple months later I was sent on four month assignment to Cologne, Germany. So I never told anyone what I was doing. I did get some material way back then from Exodus in 1990, and quickly identify that behavior was caused by not having a relationship with my dad.
For 14 years I tried to get help secretively, so I would not have to tell my wife, and I would stop doing this. Instead of listening to God's warning two years ago in March, I loss my part time evening teaching job at local college. I had approached another college instructor in the men's bathroom. Then the whole night mare came out.
Since I have been in recovery, I have learned that I have to fully surrender to Christ everyday and moment by moment. I knew what surrender first meant at age 13 when I gave my heart to Christ. But now I know surrender in a much deeper way, and I still learn everyday something new that has to be covered by the blood of Jesus.
Short background of my childhood to help you understand why I made bad choices and to pray for continual healing in these areas. I was the yongest of 5 kids. My parents were alcholics and adulters. My mother had a lover and I am still teasted that I am the milkman's kid. My dad called me a bastard at age 10, which left deep scars. My 2nd oldest sister, who was 15, rapid me at the age of 5. I wet the bed until I was 10 yrs old and no one cared. I was approached by men and women during my life as a child. At 16 my brother's buddy tried to sodomize me. I never told a soul what all happen to me, because I had shut down emotionaly at age 5 and so compartmentalized my sexual traums that I could not remember. It was not until I had been 13 yrs and going to grad school for MBA, and business trips that the lust towards men started to surface and I gave in. What I did was wrong and what happen to me as child does not justify my sin. I am grateful that God has grapped me out of the pit and has sealed me with His Spirit. God has me at my current job in which I have daily face this issue because I am very attractive to my boss, who is only interested in women. God has been bringing new things to surface from the past, like when I went to see Phaton of the Opera. I felt apart emotionally from the words that hit home about embrassing the darkness and the point of no return. My wife had to drive me home. Then I remember what clearly happen to me at age 8 and the guy's name. Without God's grace I could not even deal with a pain that deep.
Blessings,
My name is V. L. I live on Long Island in NY. I was sexually abused by my step-father when I was a teen. Problem with me was that I really liked it. I've been married for almost 39 years. We have 4 children and 5 grandchildren. Apart from struggling with SSA all my life, I have lived a very normal and happy life. I have whole heartily lived for God and seeked Him to be a good husband and raise my children His way. I struggled for many years with SSA without any understanding or help. My many attempts to seek help from Christian brothers, never happened. It seems the church has a hard time reaching out to guys that are attracted to other guys. If they do try to help, they pray and expect your problem to go away. It wasn't until I got involved with this group that I started to understand the depth of this addiction to deviant sex. I was so sure that it was my entire fault and that my desires could be controlled if I was only obedient
to God's ways. This group has enabled me to see recovery as a process and be their for accountability and encouragement. My greatest advice is to see this sin as deep rooted and in need of deliverance. Not just because it's wrong but because it seeks to ruin your life and destroy you. The world can say all they want, they can portray the gay life as wonderful as they want. But they are wrong. We were created to live for our creator. His provision is to grow in Him, and apart from full time service, to marry and raise a family. Having a wife is total fulfillment to living life as God ordained. A gay life is all about having sex, not a fulfilled relationship. A wife is a partner in living and enjoying life. A companion that helps and supports your every goal and dream. A friend for life to enjoy all God?s promises for each of us. God knows that a gay partner can never fulfill life's calling. While you seek recovery and are faithful to the group, seek Him to know Him and His great
love for us. To know Him and His love and power in us. To know Him as comforter and friend. Just want to say welcome and encourage you to hang in with the group and be part of the sharing and wonderful teachings offered. God bless you brothers. He loves us so.
V. L.
Zeugnis von Inessa (auf Russisch) hier.
No longer
do I want to wait
for the healing power
to be made manifest
in any area of my life,
world, body or affairs.
I have decided
to change my modus operandi.
No more delays,
no more
hoping and wondering.
The time for healing
is NOW.
The person demonstrating
the healing is ME!
My healing is as instant
as my decision
to accept it.
Thank You, God!
Right now
I place my desire for healing
on the altar of my faith,
confident
that the healing I seek
is already accomplished.
My focus
is on the infinite love,
the absolute goodness,
the ever-present healing power,
the perfection,
that is God.
I claim my healing
NOW!
I affirm over and over:
"THE HEALING POWER OF GOD
IS ACTIVE RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE,
WORLD AND AFFAIRS.
I ACCEPT MY HEALING NOW.
THANK YOU, GOD.
IT IS DONE."
"He said to her:
"Daughter your faith has made you whole.
Go in peace and be healed."
Mark 5:34
Doug
From HA:
Where to start tonight? I guess the first thing to do is to ask how you are doing? How are things going for you in your life? I wanted to share some more with you tonight about me. Then maybe in time if this seems a good idea share this same email with some of the other men at church. Please remember this is just a way for me to vent and to let out the pain. I'm not asking you for opinions or anything like that. I think the best way to start is just from the beginning instead of jumping from here to there.
First thing that I can remember is when I was about 3 or 4 years old having sexual contact with my grandmother. I can still remember her always walking around her house naked when I was there and rubbing her breast. Well this continued for some time and of course no one knew, and at that age I did not know right from wrong. Well around the same time when I was four I started to engage in sexual activity with a boy about 4 years old who was my neighbor. Generally it only included masturbation but as time when on it started to include oral and some anal when I was the age of 5. Well one day I told my mom for some reason what I was doing and she did what most mothers would do. Well my mom took precautions to stop the boy and me from doing things. My dad was hardly home during these days because he was away at work. Well I think that my mom thought the activity had stopped but it did not. Likewise the situation with my grandmother was also still continuing with her having s?ances with me and always showing or telling me something about sex. Well I was about 6 years old now and the sex with other boys still continued. Overall between the age of 4 and twelve I had a total of about 4 or 5 guys that I was sexually active with including my cousin and about 4 other whom we did some things but never deep sexual things. My grandmother continued her ordeal with sex and so forth through all this time, and I was spending generally every weekend at her house with her and my grandfather. During this time I really liked being with my grandfather but for some reason I was most of the time doing things with my grandmother instead of my grandfather. Things at home during this time where not good. Dad was having a very bad time in life and so he began to chase us with his .22 rifle when I was 4 and that continued to I was about 20. It got to the point that it seemed that every week he was having a fit about something and tearing the house apart and around midnight we had to run to a neighbor?s house or to a hotel to stay to get away. Well that continued for some years as dad was in and out of hospitals for months at a time for his problem. I must admit I was never close to dad. Even to this day I am not close to him, but closer than I was back then. Yes he took me hunting and so forth but I never enjoyed it. I could never seem to hold the gun just right or do this just right and then I guess over time I just got tired of it and scared of guns all together. Well as stated above I generally stayed away from my dad and most of my time was spent with my grandmother. I think that the best time back then that I had was with my grandfather when we would set on his porch and just think about how things where when he was a young boy. I loved to hear his stories. Well around the age of 10 or so my dad finally found out about my grandmother and what she had done to me in the past. That only caused more trouble and more pain. During all this time I never told anyone anything or how I was feeling I always held it in. Well my dad was still back in forth in the hospitals, from the threats that he would say to us at home and the taking his ax around and his gun things seemed to only be getting worse. Well least to say we started to have family therapy and all this during this time and yes my family did go to church. My dad was in a gospel group and mom took us to church regularly. Well once again things seem to be only getting worse as time went on. Around the age of 15 my grandfather passed away and likewise my "refuge" from the storms in my life passed away that day. I was saved when I was 15 and that started what I thought to be the turning point in my life. I can still remember that day and the hour and how excited I was. I can always remember that I did not like doing the things that most guys did back then. I was always with grandma. Likewise I can remember always wanting to be so much like the other guys in school. Well when I was eight-teen I was introduced to pornography while at work. About a week later I was in the video store in the adult room buying my first gay video. I felt so ashamed and so embarrassed. I took it home and watched it and that night started a habit that has been very hard to quit. Well as time went on I continued in the videos and also I started to fancy in movies of suicide or gore. This continued for some time and I always kept things hidden from people. Well I eventually started to get very depressed and so I joined a support group for some help. I was generally feeling suicidal and so forth for at least two years. I never told anyone, I just felt like I was always living in a black hole. With the porn and the movies things just seemed to keep getting deeper and deeper for me. Well one night I did attempt to slash my wrist, but what I did was more of a cry for help than anything else. I did mess up my hand pretty bad that night. The next day I found out the support group was going to have me committed. So I was put into the hospital for about a mth and things seemed to be improving. Well as time went on I eventually found another job and so forth and things seemed to be improving in life. The porn was still there but the suicide seemed to be going away day by day. I was trying to do right with God, go to church and so forth, but found it very difficult. During all this time Satan was telling me how much of a failure I was and things as this. I did not know at the time that Satan could play with one?s mind this way. Well as time went on there was always this hidden problem in my life. I decided one day to go into a gay chat room and to minister to some of the guys in there. Well about the third guy I met was a man. He was about 44 or so at the time I was about 26. Well things went great and he told me he was a Christian and all this stuff. Well as time went on I started to get very close to him and wanted to look up to him as a father figure in life. We started to chat everyday almost. As time went on he started to tell me things about himself that I was uncomfortable with, but I did not want to loose his friendship so I learned to adjust to them and to overlook them, which was a bad mistake on my part. Later we began to talk on the phone and little things like this. Next thing I knew he had created little nick names for us. I did not like this at all and he got mad but he quit it. Eventually he left for a while but I got very upset and I thought of suicide once again and started to cut on myself. I started to think I have known this man for more than 2 years now and I can not make it in life without him. This definitely was a lie from Satan. Well once again he started to tell me more about his sexual experiences in life with other men. At first I was hurt to hear that but at the same time curious. Well when he told me that he no longer wanted to talk to me, I decided to find that love and attention from another person. This happened to be a guy that was about my age and we started to engage in some sexual activity. Between his drugs and his drinking and the sex I felt that I was really falling into a deep spiral with no way out. We worked together also at Wal-Mart. I never truly enjoyed the sex with this guy only the attention which I now know was never real attention or love. Well eventually that man decided to come into my life and I told him what had happened. It surprised me how he took such an interest in knowing all the details and so forth. See when I did what I did with that guy I was doing the same thing that he told me that he did when he was close to my age. I do not know why I was modeling myself after him but I did. Well we started to talk again and Kevin told me that he rededicated himself to Christ and so forth. He told me that he was having sex with a twenty year old male and that he had to get back right with God. Well I truly believed this man and he told me that he was going to church and that a pastor was visiting him every week. I really believed him but at the same time things gave me doubts once again I choose to ignore those doubts. Well as time went on he told me more about his new Christian walk and so forth so I decided sense things have changed I wanted to go and see my Christian brother. Well I flew to Iowa and he picked me up only to try to molest me 2 nights later. I will not get into details but that is just something that I can not get out of my mind because one an older man touches you and other things you just can not get those images or feelings out of your mind. I was so disgusted with what was happening but scared that I would loose his friendship. Once again I was being lied to by Satan and I was only being a fool. Well reason I am telling you this is because I know that I need help and right now the closes help for me is in Raleigh and financial situations do not allow for that type of help at the moment. I figured I could see a counselor but chances are they will only encourage me to go further into the gay lifestyle instead of leaving it. I want to leave it. I have not talked to that man in over 3 mths though I tried too. I am beginning to see that I can still live without him, but at the same time I know that I am looking for someone to help me and I don?t want to make a mistake. I long to just have older men to show me how to hammer and hunt and so forth, but I want this father figure junk out of my life, but I know that therapy is what I need to get to the root. I figured that by sharing this it would help for now until I can get the therapy that I need. So when you see me and I don?t say much or I seem to isolate myself just remember this is the reason why. I can not tell you how difficult it is at times to deal with this. I hope this does not offend you in any way. I wanted to be honest and so I did try to keep situations and events to a minimal. There is no way in one email I can tell you everything. Likewise I have forgiven these people and I pray they have forgiven me, but at the same time I know that I need help. Please remember I?m not asking for opinions or for advice, just wanted your ear for tonight if that is ok.
Thank,
"Do you remember that Christmas thirty years ago?"
That's mother (age 90). (She never lets me forget you know. and she never stop praying for me.)
That was the year that I abandoned my wife and two children and ran away to live out my "Gay" identity.
I just parked my car in the airport parking lot and vanished. They did not even see it coming but I was emotionally torn so badly that I really did not care.
I just had to run and find someone that could "love the real me." Enough of the double life, the lies, and the anger, just run.
As it turned out that place was the first "Gay" church in the country. I arrived In LA at 5:00 AM on a Thursday in early October. I had no money or idea of where I was going to live except that I knew there was a church that said Gay was OK. (the reason that I am
writing this today is to give you hope and, even if we feel God is working backwards, that the ending of your sorrow is planned and that even though the tears are falling today, there is hope.)
I'll skip most of the events of the next three months and jump to the end. I saw all there was to see and did most of the things we all abhor. Then the Sunday before Christmas the minister was preaching a wonderful sermon on the way god heals. He said He had just
experienced helping a young man who was caught in the depths of sin greater than the gay lifestyle come to the place where he could have a "normal gay relationship."
The Holy Spirit was waiting for that moment! He impressed my mind that if God could change someone from the S&M lifestyle to a "Normal gay relationship then He (God)could take me from what I thought was now normal and bring me to a "Normal straight relationship". With that simple truth the light came on in my mind again and I knew I had to go home.
We called the airline and found that it would cost $260. to get home. There was no money available for that but I called my wife. (We had talked twice in three months and she had no reason to take me back.
The pain I had caused had been terrible. In fact she had been told not allow me home by several good christian people.)
When she answered the phone and I asked to come back she said "A lady from the church just left the house and had given her an envelope with the instruction to "do what is best for your family." There was only $260. in the envelope but If that would help I could
come back. (Before you call I will answer.)
All the time I had been gone my 4 year old daughter had been telling everyone that "God is going to bring daddy home for Christmas", and as I stepped off the plane that Christmas eve we all knew that her prayers had been answered. We could start a new life.
For the past weeks I have been reading and crying with those that hurt. Then mother ask the question. We can never forget how God has led in the past and by remembering and sharing some may gain a new sense of hope for the future.
I realize that words can never heal the hurts you are feeling but perhaps knowing that after thirty years, another child, several grandchildren and a wife that let God heal I can assure you that God has a plan for you and your children.
God bless you as we begin another year.
Doug M.
Dear
Group, Time for another introduction, For the last few weeks
I have been trying to understand the way the on line groups are working
so I just observed. The reason for this is that I have been out of
active participation with HA for a while.
I just wanted to see how
things are going. I am impressed! The computer thing is a
little hard for me but I am learning. (I feel for the deletion
thing, been there and it will drive the sanest of us nuts)
In my
original introduction I mentioned that I had been dealing with the SSA
issue for over 40 years. in fact, The Lord blessed me with a
complete victory over the SSA issues and allowed me to have a small
part in the founding of HA. Colin C. and I put together the
program that you are so faithfully following in this group about 28
years ago. (after all those years both Colin and I are still
free. He had a fall many years ago but has applied our program
and has regained all he lost in freedom.)
I am married to the
same beautiful woman (34 years) have three children and several
grandchildren. God has given all he promised and more!! When
anyone asks me is change really possible I answer, Absolutely YES!!!
and it is more than worth the struggle. Hang in there
guys, God isn't finished with you yet and he won't be until you are completely free.
Over
the past few years I have been drawn back into the active side of
ministry and written 2 books. I am also beginning a new seminar
ministry where we will travel anywhere if the funds are available and
try to help with the education process. My books are very
simple
in format and are designed to reach the youngest person desiring
change. (I discovered Simple is better because we tend to get
lost in the fancy words and lose sight of the simplicity of the Gospel.
I hope you all will forgive the "little over site" and
allow me be here and chat with you. I also do some pastoral phone
counseling if anyone wants it.
My website is www.acceptancefellowship.org
God bless you all
Doug M.
Bonnie's testimony:
I would like to share how I became free and have come to a place where my heart's desire is to see others find peace and hope.
Religion has always been an important part of my life. As a child, I attended Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. I sang in the choir and at age 12, I joined the church along with the other members of the sixth grade class. As a Girl Scout, I earned the God and Community Award. I wanted to feel saved, but I had trouble experiencing that. I knew the scriptures and I knew a lot about Jesus, but it was hard for me to have a relationship with him. I feared God and I knew I could not measure up. I prayed regularly, and I believe that God heard my prayers, but I seldom felt forgiven. The idea of grace was unreal to me and hard to comprehend.
When I got to college, I had some friends who were active with Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship. We had many interesting discussions about the Bible and Christianity. One of them confronted me asking why I would not commit my life to Jesus as Lord. I shamefully disclosed the truth. "I think I am a lesbian." I knew what the scriptures taught about homosexuality and I was well aware that I could not be a Christian lesbian.
Fortunately, their response was one of compassion and not condemnation. They offered no simple platitudes, but they prayed with me and for me. They didn't stop hugging me, or caring. But they challenged me to pray about how I really felt. They suggested that I let God deal with the matter.
After bringing my pain before God, I did not act on those feelings again. At times, I wanted to revert to my former behavior, but something always interfered. The desires did not go away, nor did I stop having fantasies about same-sex encounters, but I became more focused and desired to love God as He loved me.
It was not until I was much older that I began to deal with these feelings and finally gained some understanding as to why I felt as I did. There has been a lot of pain in facing ghosts from my past, and addressing issues about myself and the way I relate to others (which I would have preferred to have ignored). But because of God's grace, I was led to therapy where real healing could begin. I also learned of the ex-gay ministries and obtained literature and support from them. For the first time in my life I did not hate myself. I truly desire to be obedient to the Lord, and He knows that. I am not ashamed of my identity. I have come to understand some of the needs which instigated the sexual behavior. The process has taken a lot of time and forbearance. I continue to grow toward wholeness, but at long last I KNOW and FEEL that I am saved. I am a precious, unique child of God made in His image. It is no longer an issue of religion, but of relationship.
Bonnie (www.outofthedepths.org)
* * * * * *
Here the testimony from a guy from Europe who was with us for some time, left us too early because he thought he could make it on his own and then ended up in deep trouble. We all love this brother from the bottom of our hearts. Let's call him Danny...
As I remember a year ago I introduced myself. I had several very good months with the brothers in HA-2. The struggle went to the background and I felt more like a good straight man. But the pressure at work and the pressure in my busy family-life made me decide that I would quit with it. I thought I could do it with Him and without HA-2. Thought that I was healed... That is what I thought.
And it was wrong. Yes, in the beginning I could keep up with being accountable to myself. But times changed. Filtering or not, I was in the hands of satan again and I could easily get beyond that filtering and felt into the trap of gayporn again. Hard. Made it worse. Profiled myself to others. Chatted, phoned. Nearly made dates. Only the thought about my wife held me from it. Have felt so so guilty. My selfesteem went away like snow in the sun, I have eaten like an obese to calm myself, but I was totally out of control. Still made fun with others and played my role like a good husband and father. But that was only the outside, a mask.
My life is in a bad state of mind right now. What's coming now is absolutely not what I am proud of. I hate it to say but last week I concluded that it was enough. Wanted to rest: wanted a couple of months out of this life. So I drove very fast and wanted to park my car around a tree. Thank to God (!!) He interrupted. You may not believe this but I saw it happen before my eyes. I saw an accident: a car burning at the side of the road, near by a / around a tree!! It was like a huge smash in my face. So: went back home and broke down.
A little tiny voice said in me: go back to HA-2, contact Robert. Yes, God did it, I know it now. So, I've mailed Robert and he strongly adviced me to go back to you. I think it's right. Remembering the questions in the ACU's make me think: yes, that is what's gone wrong. I didn't go to church anymore, didn't connect with men anymore, ran away from God. That has made P and M a huge addiction.
I deeply want to apologize for this selfish behaviour. I have the feeling I let you down, for at least the brothers who were with me a half year ago. Please forgive me brothers. I hope and pray I will get your trust again. I thank you for the oppurtunity to rejoin.
I'm feeling weak right now. I wanna ask you to pray. Pray for gaining strength, but staying out of P and M. Pray that my selfesteem will be better, for I have none right now.
Thanks brothers, talk to you later.
Danny.
With permission I am sharing this testimony of a guy who belongs to another
group of which I am an assistant manager. I pray you will be blessed and
inspired from it.
Thanx
Andre
I grew up in a traditional home with my parents and 2 younger brothers. My mom took us to church sometimes, but I took no interest in seeking any kind of relationship with Christ. My father?s greatest desire was to train me up to be a hard working and educated man. These qualities he has instilled into me and for them I am very thankful. With the freedom of being sixteen, I became involved with alcohol, drugs, porn and various other things that many teenagers get involved in. I did not know it at the time but I was seeking the answers to life though all these things.
After high school, I began my college life at the University of Alabama with an even more intense search. I was fully addicted to alcohol at that time. I could not go to sleep at night with out getting drunk. Then during the spring semester of my junior year I started watching the ?700 Club? with Pat Robertson. I was watching the show because it was between classes and nothing else was on except soap operas. By the middle of the semester Pat?s teaching started making some sense. I decided I would ?give this Christianity thing a try?. I prayed to accept Christ there in my apartment in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Immediately, I felt like a great burden had been lifted off of me. My alcohol problem disappeared almost completely. In some areas in my life I started seeing victory shortly thereafter. Other areas such as porn and masturbation I did not deal with. These areas would take years before I would even attempt to deal with them.
I did not get involved in a church after I accepted Christ, but I did go down and buy a Bible. I began to read the Bible every day. I had no one to mentor me so I did not grow very much in college. The victories I had were the result of God removing them from my life.
After graduation, I was employed at an accounting firm and moved to Chattanooga. There I met my wife at a Methodist singles group. After we married, I joined the Baptist church where my wife?s family was members. Our children Jonathan and Jessica were born while we were there.
My
wife and I moved to Cleveland, Tennessee a few years later and we got
involved with a really ?on fire? church there. One of the pastors
asked me teach with him in Sunday school. (I did not see it at
the time, but he was really mentoring
me). This man
taught me a great deal about a true and healthy relationship with God.
He taught both my wife and I how to witness and the importance of
sharing with other Christian brothers and sisters our problems we are
dealing with in life. My wife and I grew while we were at this
church, but God was calling us to Knoxville.
About
10 years ago, my job required me to move to Knoxville. I meet up
with an old friend who I had grown up with and he had invited me to a
Promise Keepers Mega Wakeup Call at Thompson Bolling Arena. I
reluctantly decided to go. I though it would be a boring seminar
type conference, but I wanted to fellowship with my friend.
While attending that conference and before the first
speaker had finished speaking, I knew my life was changed
forever. I heard a man speaking to other men about sexual purity
and accountability. These were issues I was dealing with (or not
dealing with). Since I had
been a Christian I had never heard anyone
speak about these issues in any church I had ever attended.
I knew God was going to use me for some purpose in this
area of men?s ministry.
Shortly
after that conference, God led us to visit Chilhowee Hills Baptist
Church. We enjoyed the powerful teaching of my pastor. My
Pastor?s teaching on the ?exchanged life? and the teaching/mentoring I
was receiving from the Promise Keeper?s ministry and fellow brothers in
Christ came to a major crossroads while attending a seminar called
?Freedom in Christ?,
(taught by Neil Anderson). While
attending the seminar, I came face to face with a stronghold that I had
rationalized away for years, masturbation. I did not even
acknowledge that this particular stronghold was a sin, until the
subject came up in the seminar. Tammy (my wife) asked me
about it and I confessed it to her. I realized that the
masturbation stronghold was
bigger than I was, and that I was now in
a position of having to trust God to give me the strength to overcome
this. For the first time in my walk with the Lord, I was in a
position where I had to trust the Lord to deliver me. I went to
the Lord in prayer and confessed my sin and gave it over to him asking
him to give me strength to overcome this stronghold. I can tell
you
today that I have experienced total and complete victory over this
masturbation stronghold since giving it over to the Lord that day about
10 years ago.
My
Pastor?s teaching gave me the tools to overcome this stronghold, the
Promise Keeper?s ministry and a few men who have held me accountable
and had the courage to rebuke me in various time in my life have also
contributed to my growth. But none of this growth could have
occurred unless I had trusted God to work in my life. Once
I started trusting Him, then He began to workin my life like never
before.
I
truly know God personally and intimately now. I know when I call
on Him in prayer he hears me. I know when I need strength to walk
out this life, He will give it to me. I know His love like I
never have before. It is a love that is beyond my understanding.
I continue to grow in Christ. I continue to deal with new
strongholds. I know I have much to give over to the Lord and much
to learn, but I know that I have a growing relationship with him now.
In
the past four years I have become involved in online men?s ministry.
I talk to men one-on-one and help them break through
strongholds they may be involved in. I am compelled to this
ministry because now I see many brothers involved in the same kind of
bondage and deception I was in 8 years ago. Through
God, I have seen several men set free now. This has been a
great blessing in my life. If you are in some kind of bondage, please
talk to me. I may be able to help. If you do not feel
comfortable talking to me, talk to your pastor. God
is with you and wants you to be free, but you may need a brother to
help you along the path
Brian's testimony:
Here is my testimony, I have previously shared parts of this but don't think I have ever shared it in whole.so here goes:
I
was raised in a church-going family, although I was 32 before I
actually heard a message of Salvation come down from the pulpit of the
church I grew up in. Luckily, I had attended a private Christian
school in 6th and 7th grade and many youth groups from other churches
over the years. I gave my life to the Lord somewhere between the
ages of 11 and 13. I was always small for my age and was in turn
a "late-bloomer." When I got into high school, and started
consistently changing in the locker room with the other guys, I began
to do the normal "comparing" that most guys do..however, I didn't know
it was normal. Between the abuse..which honestly, I had
physically enjoyed, the normal teasing a guy of my size had to deal
with, and the fact I didn't have a relationship with my father and
longed for the approval of a man I concluded that I must have some
homosexual tendencies. I could never bring myself to conclude I was
gay..I believe the Lord prevented that. I fought hard with these
thoughts over the next few years, barely ever acting upon them,
however, they ate me up inside. I knew full well that they
were sinful, but they were very powerful. During the summer
between my junior and senior year I met a guy at my summer job who
ended up being gay. He befriended me and quickly introduced me to
the world of gay sex. When he returned to school(he had just
finished his freshman year in college) I began to seek out partners on
the internet(although at that time
it wasn't quite the internet yet,
just plain old AOL). This became a very constant but secret part
of my life. Throughout college and early adulthood I was
constantly meeting guys anonymously on the internet...having them over
my apartment for a night of "fun" and often never seeing them again.
In 1995 at God's direction, I moved to Nashville. God told
me to go.so I packed up my car, had about $100 cash and an Exxon
card.and I left. Before I arrived there God had provided me with
a very affordable apartment!
Within a week I had a job and within 3
met the best friend I have ever had outside of my wife! While
there, God did some amazing things in my life...He peeled off a lot of
scar tissue and repaired a lot of hurts. I even began to deal
with my ssa in a way that I had finally seen some progress. I had
shared with a handful of friends my childhood experiences with the
molestation. I was finally going to a good church, was being
mentored and was growing in my relationship with the Lord. Then I
shared with my roommate, also Christian, the full details of my ssa
struggle. What I thought was to be a major positive milestone
turned into a major tragedy that set me back lengths. He had the same
problems, and before I knew it, we were acting out with each other on a
regular basis. Within about 6 mos I
felt the Lord calling me to move back home to NJ. I wasn't sure why, but looking back He had two reasons.
1. to get me out of that situation,
2., to meet my wife!
That was July of 1997.
On
Jan 11, 1998 I was hanging out in a Christian Singles chatroom and met
my wife. We met face-to-face 3 days later, went on our first date
on the Jan 17th, were engaged on Feb 14, and married July 18. It
was a blessed whirlwind of God's mercy. Right after
meeting
her I gave up my regular meeting of guys on the internet. I
haven't been with a guy since that first week I met her. Actually
for the first year we were together I didn't really even struggle with
my ssa. I truly thought I had finally attained victory.
That is until shortly after my son was born. Not long after
that my wife and started to have problems. We were struggling
financially, and neither of our relationships with the Lord where what
they should have been. Well, our times "together" became less and
less frequent and as she continued to reject me, I began to take
matters into my own hands, quite literally unfortunately. To spur
me on I began downloading gay porn from the internet at an increasing
pace. My mind soon became overwhelmed with the issues of ssa all
over again. Then in March/April of 2002 as we were preparing for
our second child, I began reading a book called "Raising a Modern Day
Knight" It was primarily a book discussing how to raise a
son and teach him what it meant to be a man. It was then that I
realized that I didn't know myself! I didn't have the best
relationship with my father, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't good
either.
I had a new found passion to discover what it meant to, not only be a man, but to be a Godly man.
In RaMDK(Raising a Modern Day Knight) Robert Lewis gives the definition of a man in four statements:
A REAL MAN rejects passivity
A REAL man accepts responsibility
A REAL man leads courageously
A REAL man expects a greater reward.
This
is when I decided that I was no longer going to be passive about my ssa
and pretend like it wasn't there. It was also the first time that
I truly admitted to myself, that as much as I had made myself out in my
own mid to be a victim that I had some responsibility to own up to.
I had chosen at the age of 17 to act upon the desires that I had
had. And had been doing so since. While the desires may not
have been by my own choosing..the will to act upon them was. It
was a conscience decision that I made knowing full well it was against
God's plan for me. I immediately got down on my knees and cried
out to God for forgiveness and repented of my actions. I then
went
to my wife and confided in her that I had struggled with this and had
male partners before we met. She didn't take it well to say the
least.
What I thought was going to bridge the gap that had grown between us only widened it.
In June of 2002 my wife and I attended the Creation music festival (www.creationfest.com <http://www.creationfest.com/>
). There I found a book called "Growth Into Manhood" by Alan
Medinger. It discussed the roots and causes of SSA and how to
overcome it. I started reading this book and every other sentence
almost sat there going."this is me. This is me"
Suddenly my
life was starting to make sense. I began to understand how I had
developed ssa. And I began to understand the things I needed to
do to gain healing. I started working on my relationships with
the men in my life. Not all were privy to what was going on, but
it helped. I began to work on my walk. I began to work on
my marriage..all along I had thought that my wife had all the issues,
but I had just as many myself.
Also at this time we started attending Come Alive New Testament church.
This
was also God-orchestrated. A few months after going there I
started working with the youth, something I had done at every church I
had ever gone to. God has really placed a calling on to minister
to youth. The youth pastor and I quickly became very close.
In May 2003 I worked up the courage to confess to him my
struggles. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in
my life. I always had a fear of telling any church leader about
my struggles because I thought they would instantly tell me I could no
longer work with the youth. I knew this wasn't what God wanted,
but I wasn't willing til then to trust those He put around me.
Well my fears were completely unfounded, I found nothing but Love
and Grace from Don. While he didn't take away from letting me
know that what I had done was sin, he was willing to stand along side
and see me through the rest of the battle. Not long after that I
got involved with HA. It was such a burden lifted to be able to
openly share what was going on inside my head with a group of guys who
could relate and understand! About this same time I met another pastor
from another local church. We quickly became good friends and I
began attending the men's group at his church. In the fall of
2004 the men's group started studying Every Man's Battle by Steve
Arterburn and Fred
Stoeker. After the first meeting on the
book, I stuck around and confided to the pastor, Bobby, my struggles
with ssa. After much conversation, Bobby suggested to me that I
might be experiencing a demonic oppression. This was something I
had believed in.I very much believed in spiritual warfare and the
reality of demons and angels, but had never really let myself fully
envelop it. I had considered it at times, but never really
followed the thought through. Until that night. When he
explained to me the way evil spirits "draw" each other, a light bulb
went on over my head. Basically, if two people are being
oppressed by the same spirits (i.e. homosexuality) those spirits will
"draw" those two people together and try to manipulate the situations
to give them ample opportunity to act upon their struggles.
Suddenly,
my entire life made sense. I instantly understood everything!
I could never figure out previously why I had always run into
such a disproportionate number of guys who shared my struggles.
He then explained to me about deliverance. Again, I had a
basic understanding of the process but honestly was nervous about it.
I really had no desire to have some demon come flying out of my
mouth and flying around the room as he prayed over me. Bobby
explained that that was a rare thing and the rule..very often there are
no outward signs, a fact that eased my other fear that there would be
no sign and then I would heavily doubt the effects. I instantly
asked
Bobby to pray over me. He did.and there were things he prayed for
that night that there is no way he knew about me.things I had never
told him. Since that day my entire life has been different.
Don't get me wrong, my ssa didn't go away in a flash, but it no
longer had the power or pull on me that it did before. It was
more of a habit. I would catch myself scoping out guys because
that is what I did. It was so much easier to divert my eyes and
my mind!!!
Not long after this night, my wife became involved
in a study that Bobby's wife was leading. After the first night
she ended up going back over there that night to talk to Bobby's wife,
Lori. Lori prayed over her that night and God began to break down
the walls that had built up around my wife's heart. A few weeks
later she went on a lady's retreat with our church.
While there, God
called out to her and pulled on her very strongly. A woman from
our church, who is a very powerful prayer warrior prayed over her and
my wife received a filling of the Holy Spirit!!! She came home a
changed women..over time God healed the hurts that existed between the
two of us.
She also felt God calling her to com alongside me in my calling to ministry.
I
had already been feeling God calling me to a ministry that focused on
sexual sin in addition to my youth work. Today we are in the
preparation stage for our ministry. We don't know how long it
will last, but are confident that God is preparing us for some big
things!! I have been working with a friend who is trying to get a
record contract. She wants us to join her when she gets that
contract and goes on tour, speaking at all of her concerts. I
also recently met a guy, Chad Thompson, at Creation this year who has
come out of a homosexual lifestyle and wrote a very good book called
"Loving Homosexuals like Jesus would." After sharing my story
with him, he has asked to sue my story and also for my input on the
next book he is writing. So God is already doing some big
things!! I greatly look
forward to what He has in store!!!
Brian
A message from a brother who succeeded:
I'm
David C. I am 27 years old and I have been away from HA online
for about 4 months. I have been in a group with Robert
before and have really appreciated his comments. I then joined a
new group. Right before I left, I had a huge miracle in my life
and a huge step in recovery. Rather than recount my past
struggles, I will tell you about the miracle that God gave to me.
I
have had a friend for about the last year and a half, she became my
best friend. We did everything together. I never told her
about my SSA feelings, but she eventually figured that out about a year
into our friendship. Starting in December of last year, I entered
the darkest period in my life. I almost gave into my SSA feelings
and just about decided to live a gay lifestyle. I had lost
my faith in everything but God. The only thing I could hold onto
was that I knew God lives and that he wants the best for me. So I
prayed that he would help me find it. I finally found myself
wanting to follow God and I didn't know how to do it. One Sunday
in church, one of the speakers talked about sacrificing things and
laying our lives on the altar. Giving ourselves to God. I
had nowhere else to turn, so I finally just said that I couldn't do it
on my own and that I lay my SSA on Gods altar and let him deal with it.
I decided I would sacrifice those desires to know God better and
to
do his work. The very next day i was with my friend.
We were visiting my mother in the hospital ( she was in overnight
for surgery. nothing too serious.) While I was sitting
there listening, I was overcome with the realization that I had fallen
in love with this friend. I knew that I wanted to spend my life
with her. Though I wondered how I could with my SSA feelings.
to make this long story short, we are getting married on August
11 this year. I may post a picture of us on the group website
later.
Before, you get the impression that this was
just a miraculous change of heart, it was. But, not the kind
where my SSA has been taken away. After that I was reading a
book, by someone of my faith that talked about his struggle with SSA.
He proposed the idea that we don't really know what causes it or
why we have it, but that it doesn't really matter. We still have
to live with it. I also came to the realization that eventhough i
still had SSA, i was still attracted to women. For reasons that
are not important, I had decided that women could not give me what I
wanted, so I searched for it with men. Luckily, it never came to
acting out with anyone. I was spared that. The
realization i had that night, was that she was everything I was looking
for. I told her of my struggles and she said that she already
knew. She is a great strength to me. My SSA is not gone,
but as I move away from it, the urges grow less.
Rather
than making this post any longer, I will leave it at that. Feel
free to ask any questions that you wish. I left HA previously,
because the group I was in was not active and didn't talk back and
forth. I also had support with the people around me here. I
felt the other day that i should get involved again, so I did. I
hope to find here the continued strength to seek recovery and hope to
help encourage other on the way. I am so grateful to the Lord for
the gift he has given me. Though he hasn't taken it completely
away, he had given me the support to work through it.
David C.
A.'s testimony
(moderator in HA):
I am now 52 soon to be 53 Sept. 11th. No, not that Sept 11th. My Sept
11th. My Sept. 11th came before that other now infamous Sept 11th. lol
Like many of my generation and todays generation, I was raised in a
dysfunctional family, with both my parent working to help raise 8 kids. We
did not see our parents that much as they were away working, my dad on
shift work and my mom on steady days. We in essence were raised by
ourselves, with the older ones playing the role of parents.
I struggled through school as I found it to be terribly boring. I am a hands
on kinda learner, so sitting in school about drove me nuts.
I was attracted to girls like the average guy in school, but in high school
I began to looking at guys with interest which I tried to subvert back to
the back of my mind, not wanting to admit I had such feelings. I wanted to
be like the average macho guy and like girls and have a girlfriend. I did
have several girlfriends over the years.
I never ever acted out as far as having any fun with another guy until I
was in my late twenties. And, even then it only happened once, and never
again until only about three years ago. Though the fantasies were in my
mind. I often masturbated to those fantasies.
I was not a believer to the extent that I had put my whole faith and trust
in Christ until I was about 36. I enrolled in a Bible college for two
years, but still struggled with gay fantasies and masturbation, always
suppressing those desires.
Then a few years ago after I had learned about computers and learned how
to surf about, I came across gay porn which started the ball rolling for
wanting to have real fun. Fortunately I am a shy guy and live far enough
away from the city, that I never got involved, but had only a few
encounters.
Like most, I hated what I had done and felt terribly guilty. I wanted
desperately to be free of this bondage and began to search for a way out
One day I came across a web site which led me to another online group but
I had problems to stick with it. Then I came across ha about a year ago
and a half and have not looked back.
Someone asked me today How did I become a Christian. Seeing as I wrote it out, a short version, I thought that I may as well share with you all.
andre
How did I become a Christian. Boy, that is a loaded question that could take me a long time to answer.
Briefly, as a child growing up we first were attending a Roman Catholic Church being French, that's the norm. I barely recall, but apparently we attended a gospel church when we were very young, so at least the seed was planted early.
Later on I remember gathering a weekly column of gospel messages from the local news paper. I do not know why, but I seemed to have lost interest in Godly things for many years. Perhaps it was because of school being busy etc I do not know.
So I went through school behaving and doing the usual stuff, being naughty in various ways, but never anything really bad. After school and I was out and about working I eventually went west and worked in the orchards, construction etc. I started to drink and get into drugs. One time I was upset with myself because I realized i had become a drunk, and I wanted to kill myself. So I headed out on the highway and I was going to drive straight into the path of a semi truck. I did not care at the time about the other guy or even considered the family I would have hurt. All I was concerned about, was that I hated what I had become.
So away I went and I did start to drive towards a truck, but I heard a voice in my head say, stop, I Love you. I knew it was God speaking to me. He had better plans for me than to kill myself. So I pulled over and cried my heart out to Him and physically.
I decided almost right there that I was going to leave the area altogether and go to a Bible College somewhere and devote my life to God. I think about a year later I was in a Bible for for which I attended for 2 years. After leaving there I have ben serving Him pretty steady in some way or another. I have like most back slidden, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but each time, I get back up and try to get right with Him again.
That's a real short version of how I became a Christian. I also spent my mountain top experience one time with Him literally where I went and spent ten days fasting, drinking only water and eating nothing, on the side of a mountain as I studied through as small New Testament course on some of the major doctrines of Christianity.
andre
When I say I'm ex-gay, people often stare at me with that same suspicious look, usually reserved for people who:
A. Claim to have seen Elvis' ghost enjoying a Value Meal at McDonalds
B. Testify they were abducted by aliens and forced to have sex with them in a corn field.
C. Promise you will make millions of dollars and retire by age 35 simply by placing one tiny ad in a newspaper from the convenience of your own apartment.
In other words, they don't believe me. They also feel it is their duty to convince me I'm not really changed...just abstinent, repressed and kidding myself. Maybe the confusion comes from not understanding what is meant by the term ex-gay or the claim, "transformed through the healing power of the love of Christ."
Many times, I would read my Bible, come across accounts of healing that would inevitably end with Jesus spoke and instantly...
1) the blind man regained his sight.
2) the deaf and dumb man spoke
3) the paralyzed man leaped up from his mat and partook in a Macrena marathon. (Well maybe not in those exact words, but I was getting quite frustrated.
And, somehow, these miraculous accounts of healing were always traced back to the recipient's faith. One
day, I could hold back my tongue no longer, threw down my Bible, looked upward to heaven and screamed, "Lord, what's up with this? I've resisted the gay life all these years, waiting for You to heal me....what do I need to do to show You I have faith?" (I thought I heard a voice say, "Cancel your subscription to Inches Magazine, keep your hand off you crotch when signing on the the Internet, and, after you discard gay videos, stop sneaking out to the dumpster at midnight and digging through the garbage for them." But I figured I was doing well under the circumstances, so I gave myself a break and ignored it.)
healing sessions, He chooses to heal us quietly and effectively by hooking us up with the right brothers
and sisters who can help.
Through interaction with other men who had overcome homosexuality, I gained insight into what was keeping
it alive inside me. And once I knew exactly what I was up against, I was able to fight back.
Before I got help, my gay drive was on "motion-sensor" Just as people install sensor beams at the start of
their driveway to trigger light when something breaks the beam, so it had been with me. It would be a normal peaceful day when all of a sudden...wham! Something would cross my path (stress, being criticized, a cute guy, loneliness) break the beam and activate me into gay mode. Once in gay mode, my sole focus would be to seek out contact with other men to comfort me in my insecurity. The outcome was often disastrous.
Today, Jesus has put the right people in my life who have worked with me to take my gay mode off
"motion-sensor." We have since hooked it up to a wall switch and clicked it to the off position. I am no
longer thrown into gay mode when stress or displeasure crosses my path. It has become so I am the one in
control of my gay mode and not visa versa. Jesus then pointed out that He would be filling the void in my
heart and not the gay life. However, should I ever wish to go back to the way things were as a gay man,
He told me, all I had to do was walk over and click to switch back to the on position. And, being the doubter I am, I did toy with that switch on several occasions, only to come running back and flipping it again to off. I guess I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I found I wasn't.
To me, this is what is meant by healed from homosexuality. Jesus has given me power over the outside triggers which used to send me hurling into homosexual activity. Now, instead of controlling me, I control it.
And when I asked Jesus, "I never in a million years thought You could change and attraction inside me. I
thought I was born gay. How did You do it?" He placed His answer in my heart, "Did you ever walk down a
street, pass a restaurant and go half out of your skull with desire when you smelled all the food cooking? But you go home, eat and, two hours later pass the same restaurant, this time with a full stomach, and the food doesn't attract you anymore? Well, we took care of what was causing you to hunger for a man's touch and satisfied it the right way. Now you are able to walk past the same men who used to attract you, without being tempted. Like with the restaurant, the food didn't change....it stayed the same. You responded differently to it the second time because something inside of you got satisfied. so you were not hungry anymore. Its the same thing with men. What was causing you to crave men has now been satisfied. The men are still the same. They look the same, smell the same and taste the same. It is you who has changed. Casual sex with them is no longer valuable to you to fill a need in your life, because we have filled that need legitimately. In food, in men, and in everything, when the hunger for something is not there, an attraction to it is not present either."
Jesus continued, "You still don't get it? When you accepted me into your heart and began submitting to
the Father's willl, you were born again. That's not just a religious term, you know. It is a verb,
proclaiming what has happened to you. Got it?
This article comes from Buggin' Out Magazine.
My dad will admit now what a terrible father he was. I used to think that he was very disappointed in me. I still think that was true, but the disappointment was not because of my brokenness--it was because of his own. I think he wanted boys who were little macho men to help him feel better about himself.
I was the little creative son who would rather play with dolls and his sister than play sports. The sad awareness is that he focused on the dolls part and failed to support and affirm the creative part. I know that if he had said (and he has admitted this) "Hey, why don't we go to an art class together" or "boy, you're so creative; maybe you could help me pick out a gift for your mother" that I would have felt affirmed and validated as his son.
One of the most important things in my life has been addressing these issues directly with my dad. I have told him how it felt to be treated as he treated me. I have told him that it was always clear to me that he welcomed opportunities to justify his disappointment in me. He used to spank me in a way that these days would be called abuse.
I've mentioned here before that, when I was about 25, my dad's many many years of infidelity were exposed.
At that time, he admitted to me that he always thought I knew, so he always kept me distant. What a tragic,
but freeing revelation that was. Suddenly, I was aware that it was NOT my failure as a son that impeded
a healthy relationship with my dad.
As the Lord has fathered me through other men--men who HAVE spoken life and affirmation to me--I have gained a much more sober understanding of my father's brokenness. I see now how very very afraid he is of
losing control, of being away from the security of the familiar, etc.
I continue to be careful to refuse any false accusation that my father or the enemy send my way--and I am careful to compassionately share with my dad feelings about his interaction with me.
In so many ways, things have improved vastly. I hear many stories from people who have spoken with my
father about how proud he is of me. He now raves to my face about what a beautiful home I have and how
good I am to the women in our family. He is learning to affirm me for who I am.
I still have not shared my full confession with him--the ssa dynamic--only because I genuinely feel the timing is not right. He is of the old time religion school--he never shows weakness publicly and is slow to confess sin or need for prayer. I, on the other hand, have fourished in the context of candid, genuine, fellowship. I know that I would be ready to share--but he doesn't have the support network to help him understand.
Still, I look forward to the day where I take the risk of confessing--hoping that he will still stand near.
Two Testimonials to the Wives of SSA Strugglers
Written
by Casey Bennett and "W"
Testimonial 1:
Dear "W":
I read your thank you letter to Richard Cohen and I agree with you (see the
Library of _www.jonahweb.org_ (http://www.jonahweb.org/) under the author "W"
or Richard Cohen). My marriage has been the BEST thing that ever happened
to me (especially in the last 8 months) as my wife really has become my best
friend. She knows me better than anyone else and still loves me - in spite
of my weaknesses.
Let me first tell you that we had planned on a divorce. During our time of
trial separation this summer (we were heading toward divorce after 10 years of
marriage at my SOLE prompting) I swore off women completely! I had had
enough of the "other" sex...to say the least. Then, oddly, something
happened.
The night I dumped my wife and kids I went immediately into the gay part of
Los Angeles and wanted to find some "action". It didn't take long before I
found a sex club and got all the action I wanted. Oddly enough, however, I
found more than I bargained for.
I stayed in the club that night from 10 PM - 2 AM, both wanting to leave and
wanting desperately to stay. I wanted to get out of the "heart of
darkness" because I couldn't believe that I actually had been reduced to a sex
addict---having sex with nameless men, doing God knows what. . .and for what
reason?. . .just an orgasm? I had given up my career, my wife, my friends and my
own 3 children all for the gay lifestyle (not to mention my reputation).
However, I also found that I couldn't leave. I couldn't get away from the
fact that now, at last, I was free to be as hedonistic as I wanted - without
shame - along with many other men who didn't feel any sense of shame either.
You see "W", I became convinced that marriage (to a woman) could never
fulfill my deepest needs and longings. I had internalized society's message of
sex without restraint. That night, in the sex club, I felt free at last!
However, the truth is I was free in a very limited sense: it was the freedom of
a man in a prison cell. I had locked myself within my own emotional barriers.
Late into that black night, for the first time in years, I felt the
presence of G-d in an unmistakable way. In this place of true evil, in the heart
of this darkness, I sensed the Lord was presenting me with a choice. A "fork
in the road" if you will.
That night, I swear to you, I saw my two little boys (twins at 5 years old)
running to me again and again calling out 'daddy' - full of the smiles and
laughter that emanates from a deep joy and an innocence that comes from
children. In the bottom of my soul G-d was making the reality of my choices clear.
I was dumping my sons and my wife for an orgasm. For all my sweet words
and manipulative talk to others about my sexuality ("I'm gay", "I can't help
myself", "God made me this way", blah, blah, blah and all kinds of crap like
that), I could no longer run from the truth. I was a selfish bastard, an
adulterer, who worshipped male bodies (read "penis's") and who used those men
to "get off." No more, no less. My version of love was totally
narcissistic: "you keep me happy and then I'll love you". I found in the oddest place in
the world, the truth --- I had a choice, I could help myself, and I had been
lying to myself about being born gay.
That night, many guys left that place happy and satisfied (at least that's
what they tell people, including themselves). I left disturbed and sad. G-d
spoke, loud and clear, in a sex club...and I heard.
Two months later, I went back to my wife and kids to rebuild our marriage
from the ground up. I was willing to do ANYTHING to fix me and to reunite
us. I went to counseling (and am still going even though it required us to
take out a second mortgage on our home), got on medication (Prozac...dang good
stuff), opened up to many others about my true struggles, failures and
trials....and, most importantly, began talking (read "communicating") with my wife.
I began to be comfortable with who I am: a heterosexual man with a
homosexual problem. I work out in the gym and shower with the guys. Instead of
running from the good looking ones I used to idolize, I ask them about their
workout routines. I no longer fear and envy other men. I no longer sexualize or
eroticize attributes of others that I mistakenly thought I did not have
within me. I reach out to others now...I call guys a lot to bind with them in a
non-sexual way.
My wife and I go to marriage counseling now. There we've grown as a couple.
Married sex is still not where either of us would ideally like it to be,
but we're trying. I think my wife would tell you that she sees a lot of
bedroom "potential" in me that hasn't been realized (funny thing...we have the
best, wildest sex, on our vacations, never at home...odd, huh?). We drink an
occasional glass of wine together at night, talk a lot on our couch, and have
a piece of candy with each other.
Honestly, I love this woman now more than ever. "W", she knows everything
about me. She'll even be able to tell you the "type" of men that have
historically made me weak in the knees (and, as an aside, none of those men were
at the Journey Into Manhood weekend I attended). She can tell you about each
of my sexual encounters. She knows it all...and still loves me.
You see "W", you and I are the ones blessed with wives and kids. Blessed
because our hopes for healing were answered in "Mrs. Right" who shares not only
our bed but our lives as well. We have an emotional connection unlike
anything else in this world. At the end of the day I, like you, am one very blessed
man.
Warmly,
Casey Bennett
____________________________________
Testimonial 2:
"W's" answer to Casey Bennett is shown here because it helps us gain insight
into the healing processes of men who grow out of same-sex attraction.
Dear Casey,
I found I could relate to many things in your letter. Before my journey
started I was in a deep depression, hated myself for what I was doing, visited
bath houses and bars, and had anonymous sex. I longed for sex with men but once
having it, immediately felt regret. As I would pass through the exit door of
the bath house, I wondered whether I was simultaneously checking out on
life. I wanted to serve G-d, but at the same time recognized I could not do so
in such unholy places. My behavior spoiled everything, nothing made sense
in my life which was a mess of contradictions.
My wife and I were expecting our second child but I could not even talk
about spending (un)happy hours in dark rooms with my wife. I knew she suspected
something. Although she knew I had this problem before and that I had
accidentally struggled with gay porn, she did not have a clue about my
promiscuous, secret life. I had an idea to quit my life by taking my passport and
fleeing to another country, somewhere not to be found and start a new,
anonymous life. Maybe in a kibbutz in Israel? Or just in some outlying rural area,
helping village people till their fields. It appears ridiculous to me now, but
it was real to me then.
Desperate, I decided to look for a therapist who would help me change.
However it appeared hopeless since no one in Poland had ever heard about
reparative therapy ... except, of course, the gay activists. They made fun of it. They
lied as to how those who choose to confront their emotional wounds through
this process would be either emotionally damaged or commit suicide. I almost
believed them. I googled through the Internet for any advice on change of
sexual orientation that I could find, but instead, found myself drifting onto
porn sites. It was then I knew I was an addict. What I found on the web made
me fall again ?.
My true journey toward healing started when my wife assured me that she was
going to stay with me no matter what the past was. Her statement gave me an
incredible feeling of safety. Nevertheless, I had to grow in this feeling
during the following two weeks. It was only then when I truly internalized her
deep abiding love for me that I confided in her and told her all about my
past. She knows a lot because I opened myself up to answer any questions she
had. She asked more questions than I expected, including questions which
required detailed answers. Some were difficult, because honestly I didn't know
the true answers. For the first time I felt comfortable explaining my
encounters, secrets, and cheating. It was a liberating experience because I knew she
loved me and would walk together with me as a partner. I would not journey
alone. In other words, she would be fully with me, just as I would be there for
her. I recognized that by creating a true mutuality of relationship, life
would be as G-d intended it to be: a true complimentarity of relationship
between a man and woman. There is no other person in the whole world who knew as
much about me as she. And, no one else could help show me the keys to unlock
the doorway of change. After all, it was she who did the Internet research for
me and found _www.peoplecanchange.com_ (http://www.peoplecanchange.com/)
(PCC).
Link after link we found out how much there was on the Internet that could
help us. As I told you in the letter I posted which was written to Richard
Cohen, I bought a Polish translation of his book, Coming Out Straight. Reading
that book in my native tongue was simply amazing. The book, together with the
material I printed off the PCC site, was the first light that helped me
navigate the long tunnel of darkness in which I had been wandering. But after
getting acquainted with these resources and numerous others (such as material
from NARTH, JONAH, PATH ), I found there was lots of light. I basked in this
warm sunlight as I left my self-imposed tunnel of darkness. I felt so happy
even though I knew there was a long healing journey of ahead of me.
I read about JIM and I desired to attend! My wife and I applied for green
cards to move to the USA. That was how serious my new found journey had
become. Not because we loved the USA so much but because there was help
available.
God allowed me to attend JIM much earlier than I expected. After two months
I was invited to California to participate in the JIM experience. My wife "A"
felt strange to know I was going alone to the end of the world, to Los
Angeles, one of the gay paradises, and there to meet 30 guys struggling with SSA.
But I was not afraid. I knew I had the strength provided to me by G-d and the
encouragement provided by my wife -I knew I would not disappoint either.
When I was in LA, I often thanked my wife, mentioned her in my prayers and
spoke of her when we stood in a circle. Having a supportive, loving and caring
wife is a real blessing. Because of my experiences with my wife and my own
tortuous detour through gay flesh pots, I can totally relate to your story.
Both of us were fortunate to have wives not only stand by us but to also work
with us and become a critical factor in our recovery. G-d bless you, Casey.
G-d bless our wives.
Warmly,
Two Testimonials to the Wives of SSA Strugglers
Written
by Casey Bennett and "W"
Testimonial 1:
Dear "W":
I read your thank you letter to Richard Cohen and I agree with you (see the
Library of _www.jonahweb.org_ (http://www.jonahweb.org/) under the author "W"
or Richard Cohen). My marriage has been the BEST thing that ever happened
to me (especially in the last 8 months) as my wife really has become my best
friend. She knows me better than anyone else and still loves me - in spite
of my weaknesses.
Let me first tell you that we had planned on a divorce. During our time of
trial separation this summer (we were heading toward divorce after 10 years of
marriage at my SOLE prompting) I swore off women completely! I had had
enough of the "other" sex...to say the least. Then, oddly, something
happened.
The night I dumped my wife and kids I went immediately into the gay part of
Los Angeles and wanted to find some "action". It didn't take long before I
found a sex club and got all the action I wanted. Oddly enough, however, I
found more than I bargained for.
I stayed in the club that night from 10 PM - 2 AM, both wanting to leave and
wanting desperately to stay. I wanted to get out of the "heart of
darkness" because I couldn't believe that I actually had been reduced to a sex
addict---having sex with nameless men, doing God knows what. . .and for what
reason?. . .just an orgasm? I had given up my career, my wife, my friends and my
own 3 children all for the gay lifestyle (not to mention my reputation).
However, I also found that I couldn't leave. I couldn't get away from the
fact that now, at last, I was free to be as hedonistic as I wanted - without
shame - along with many other men who didn't feel any sense of shame either.
You see "W", I became convinced that marriage (to a woman) could never
fulfill my deepest needs and longings. I had internalized society's message of
sex without restraint. That night, in the sex club, I felt free at last!
However, the truth is I was free in a very limited sense: it was the freedom of
a man in a prison cell. I had locked myself within my own emotional barriers.
Late into that black night, for the first time in years, I felt the
presence of G-d in an unmistakable way. In this place of true evil, in the heart
of this darkness, I sensed the Lord was presenting me with a choice. A "fork
in the road" if you will.
That night, I swear to you, I saw my two little boys (twins at 5 years old)
running to me again and again calling out 'daddy' - full of the smiles and
laughter that emanates from a deep joy and an innocence that comes from
children. In the bottom of my soul G-d was making the reality of my choices clear.
I was dumping my sons and my wife for an orgasm. For all my sweet words
and manipulative talk to others about my sexuality ("I'm gay", "I can't help
myself", "God made me this way", blah, blah, blah and all kinds of crap like
that), I could no longer run from the truth. I was a selfish bastard, an
adulterer, who worshipped male bodies (read "penis's") and who used those men
to "get off." No more, no less. My version of love was totally
narcissistic: "you keep me happy and then I'll love you". I found in the oddest place in
the world, the truth --- I had a choice, I could help myself, and I had been
lying to myself about being born gay.
That night, many guys left that place happy and satisfied (at least that's
what they tell people, including themselves). I left disturbed and sad. G-d
spoke, loud and clear, in a sex club...and I heard.
Two months later, I went back to my wife and kids to rebuild our marriage
from the ground up. I was willing to do ANYTHING to fix me and to reunite
us. I went to counseling (and am still going even though it required us to
take out a second mortgage on our home), got on medication (Prozac...dang good
stuff), opened up to many others about my true struggles, failures and
trials....and, most importantly, began talking (read "communicating") with my wife.
I began to be comfortable with who I am: a heterosexual man with a
homosexual problem. I work out in the gym and shower with the guys. Instead of
running from the good looking ones I used to idolize, I ask them about their
workout routines. I no longer fear and envy other men. I no longer sexualize or
eroticize attributes of others that I mistakenly thought I did not have
within me. I reach out to others now...I call guys a lot to bind with them in a
non-sexual way.
My wife and I go to marriage counseling now. There we've grown as a couple.
Married sex is still not where either of us would ideally like it to be,
but we're trying. I think my wife would tell you that she sees a lot of
bedroom "potential" in me that hasn't been realized (funny thing...we have the
best, wildest sex, on our vacations, never at home...odd, huh?). We drink an
occasional glass of wine together at night, talk a lot on our couch, and have
a piece of candy with each other.
Honestly, I love this woman now more than ever. "W", she knows everything
about me. She'll even be able to tell you the "type" of men that have
historically made me weak in the knees (and, as an aside, none of those men were
at the Journey Into Manhood weekend I attended). She can tell you about each
of my sexual encounters. She knows it all...and still loves me.
You see "W", you and I are the ones blessed with wives and kids. Blessed
because our hopes for healing were answered in "Mrs. Right" who shares not only
our bed but our lives as well. We have an emotional connection unlike
anything else in this world. At the end of the day I, like you, am one very blessed
man.
Warmly,
Casey Bennett
____________________________________
Testimonial 2:
"W's" answer to Casey Bennett is shown here because it helps us gain insight
into the healing processes of men who grow out of same-sex attraction.
Dear Casey,
I found I could relate to many things in your letter. Before my journey
started I was in a deep depression, hated myself for what I was doing, visited
bath houses and bars, and had anonymous sex. I longed for sex with men but once
having it, immediately felt regret. As I would pass through the exit door of
the bath house, I wondered whether I was simultaneously checking out on
life. I wanted to serve G-d, but at the same time recognized I could not do so
in such unholy places. My behavior spoiled everything, nothing made sense
in my life which was a mess of contradictions.
My wife and I were expecting our second child but I could not even talk
about spending (un)happy hours in dark rooms with my wife. I knew she suspected
something. Although she knew I had this problem before and that I had
accidentally struggled with gay porn, she did not have a clue about my
promiscuous, secret life. I had an idea to quit my life by taking my passport and
fleeing to another country, somewhere not to be found and start a new,
anonymous life. Maybe in a kibbutz in Israel? Or just in some outlying rural area,
helping village people till their fields. It appears ridiculous to me now, but
it was real to me then.
Desperate, I decided to look for a therapist who would help me change.
However it appeared hopeless since no one in Poland had ever heard about
reparative therapy ... except, of course, the gay activists. They made fun of it. They
lied as to how those who choose to confront their emotional wounds through
this process would be either emotionally damaged or commit suicide. I almost
believed them. I googled through the Internet for any advice on change of
sexual orientation that I could find, but instead, found myself drifting onto
porn sites. It was then I knew I was an addict. What I found on the web made
me fall again ?.
My true journey toward healing started when my wife assured me that she was
going to stay with me no matter what the past was. Her statement gave me an
incredible feeling of safety. Nevertheless, I had to grow in this feeling
during the following two weeks. It was only then when I truly internalized her
deep abiding love for me that I confided in her and told her all about my
past. She knows a lot because I opened myself up to answer any questions she
had. She asked more questions than I expected, including questions which
required detailed answers. Some were difficult, because honestly I didn't know
the true answers. For the first time I felt comfortable explaining my
encounters, secrets, and cheating. It was a liberating experience because I knew she
loved me and would walk together with me as a partner. I would not journey
alone. In other words, she would be fully with me, just as I would be there for
her. I recognized that by creating a true mutuality of relationship, life
would be as G-d intended it to be: a true complimentarity of relationship
between a man and woman. There is no other person in the whole world who knew as
much about me as she. And, no one else could help show me the keys to unlock
the doorway of change. After all, it was she who did the Internet research for
me and found _www.peoplecanchange.com_ (http://www.peoplecanchange.com/)
(PCC).
Link after link we found out how much there was on the Internet that could
help us. As I told you in the letter I posted which was written to Richard
Cohen, I bought a Polish translation of his book, Coming Out Straight. Reading
that book in my native tongue was simply amazing. The book, together with the
material I printed off the PCC site, was the first light that helped me
navigate the long tunnel of darkness in which I had been wandering. But after
getting acquainted with these resources and numerous others (such as material
from NARTH, JONAH, PATH ), I found there was lots of light. I basked in this
warm sunlight as I left my self-imposed tunnel of darkness. I felt so happy
even though I knew there was a long healing journey of ahead of me.
I read about JIM and I desired to attend! My wife and I applied for green
cards to move to the USA. That was how serious my new found journey had
become. Not because we loved the USA so much but because there was help
available.
God allowed me to attend JIM much earlier than I expected. After two months
I was invited to California to participate in the JIM experience. My wife "A"
felt strange to know I was going alone to the end of the world, to Los
Angeles, one of the gay paradises, and there to meet 30 guys struggling with SSA.
But I was not afraid. I knew I had the strength provided to me by G-d and the
encouragement provided by my wife -I knew I would not disappoint either.
When I was in LA, I often thanked my wife, mentioned her in my prayers and
spoke of her when we stood in a circle. Having a supportive, loving and caring
wife is a real blessing. Because of my experiences with my wife and my own
tortuous detour through gay flesh pots, I can totally relate to your story.
Both of us were fortunate to have wives not only stand by us but to also work
with us and become a critical factor in our recovery. G-d bless you, Casey.
G-d bless our wives.
Warmly,
For the longest time I believed that I was born a woman inside a man?s body. This is part of the big lie I told myself until June of 2000 when, while being part of Overeaters Anonymous, I asked Jesus Christ to remove this condition because I thought it might be a character defect because it prevented me from doing meaningful service for others.
It is not an accident that I am a group leader in a self-help mental health group. The truth I came to know from my 12-step work in OA and my readings in recovery books by Dr. Abraham Low was that I was a man with very low self-esteem. I did not believe that women would accept me as a man and felt that just being a man made me less than human.
My father was an alcoholic who played the tough-guy role. He had shame about himself and felt that the world hated him because he was Jewish. The relationship I had with him was a brutal one. I did not want to be like him or around him. Unconsciously, I could not see myself as male.
My mother had little confidence in herself and did not know how to encourage me when I was growing up. She also failed to protect me from my father?s physical and emotional abuse. This helped create a condition in which I had a compulsion to wear women?s clothes. I felt comfortable in them because it gave me a sense of protection that children must get from their mothers. Psychologically, this fed the lie that I was a woman in a man?s body.
I was born Jewish but was not allowed to go to Hebrew School because my father was an atheist. I felt like an outsider and this feeling intensified when I failed the fourth grade. My mother sent me to summer school, but I still had to repeat fourth grade. My self-esteem was further crushed and it took years for me to come to terms with failure.
Further, the women?s movement has tended to paint all men with a broad brush, and this added to my shame at being male.
I tried psychotherapy and looked to several psychiatrists as role models but felt sold-out when their therapy did me more harm than good. I attempted suicide after seeing the first psychiatrist for four years and ended up in the state hospital.
Fortunately, I came to know the love of Christ and that has made all the difference in my life. Then, learning to deal with temper and work through my mental health problems by spotting temper and endorsing myself for working through my difficulties, seeing the proof that my identity could be restored to the gender I was born with through HA, and a spiritual program of daily prayer has made a new man, a real man, of me.
Unfortunately today many men and a growing number of women are getting sex-change operations. The lie they believe is that they were born in the wrong bodies, but the truth is that many men and women are simply unusually gifted with some abilities that are more common in the opposite gender. Many women make fine engineers, but are as female as other women; many men make fine schoolteachers, but are as male as other men.
Perhaps it?s the loss of common sense among some in the mental health profession, the modern culture we live in where everything is supposed to come easy, and our own laziness in refusing to work hard on difficult issues that leads us to accept the lie. It must, however, be rejected!
Were it not for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross, I do not know where I would be today. Because of Him, for the first time in years I can look in the mirror and be grateful that God made me a man. Jesus Christ is developing me in His image as a Christian man and restoring my true identity.
As I?m enjoying my own maleness, attending the men?s group at my church, and enjoying the company of women, I know that God knew what He was doing when He made me a man.
Don?t believe the lie!
--Albert S.,
Phoenix, AZ
80 year old homosexual invites Jesus into his heart
By Tim Wilkins
www.crossministry.org
There was rejoicing among the angels recently as an 80 year old man, who had lived his entire life as a homosexual, prayed to receive Jesus Christ.
I had visited a friend in another state and had learned of this octogenarian. The three of us had a casual dinner one evening and then visited talked at my friend?s home. I learned that the 80 year old (Frank) was the youngest of more than a dozen children raised in the deep south. He related how his father, though a hard-working man, spoke little to his children. This lack of affirmation was, most likely, one of several factors in his developing homosexuality. Another factor?far more serious-was that his older brothers had sexually molested him when he was a child.
Frank is a man of few words; he enjoys conversation and appreciated the uninterrupted fellowship we had. As we talked, I moved the conversation to my testimony?telling him how God had intervened in my life with a love that eclipsed the artificial love I had found in homosexuality. While we talked, the friend I had gone to visit and in whose living room we three sat, quietly moved his chair out of my and Frank?s view. He knew where I was about to lead and did not want to be a hindrance as he gently raised his hands to God-intervening as I shared Jesus with this old man.
I pulled my chair closer to Frank?s and asked him ?Have you come to a place in your life where you know for certain you have eternal life and that you will go to heaven when you die?? He thought so, but was unsure. In mere minutes I told him of God?s gift of eternal life in Christ and asked ?Frank-is there any reason why you would be unwilling to receive God?s gift of eternal life? He said no. I reached for his wrinkled right hand and told him ?you can receive Jesus into your heart right now.? I asked if he would like to pray after me; he obliged. He confessed his sin to God-he asked forgiveness and invited the Man with the nail-scarred hand into his 80 year old heart.
When he repeated ?amen? we both looked up. While his hand was still in mine, I told him that he and I had just become brothers in Christ-but unlike his older biological brothers, I would never hurt him. I told him that while his earthly father was consumed with keeping food on the table when he was a boy, that he now had a Heavenly Father who had just provided him the bread of life.
I SURRENDER!
Step 7
?We resolved to entrust our lives to our loving God and to live by faith, praising Him for our new unseen identity, confident that it would become visible to us in God?s good time.?
In March 2004, I recognized what had been true for a long time, but I had been too much in denial to see it. I realized that my life had become totally unmanageable and started the process of recovery.
During my first year in recovery I gave lip service to the word surrender, but it was not until July 2005, that I learned the meaning of the word.
I had thrown away everything I had learned in my first seventeen months of recovery, turned away from God, my wife, my counselor?everyone.
I went back to my addiction for a few hours and had sex with another man. Then I turned around a week later as a result of the terrible guilt I felt and told my counselor what I had done.
Then I told my wife. She was so upset that she had to be watched the entire weekend so that she would not commit suicide because of the grief and betrayal she felt because of my sin. When I finally got out of the house I drove like a wild man, going nowhere! I felt like a wild animal let out of its cage. I saw myself as a wild stallion that did not want to be broken, but wanted to be free to run wherever it wished and not be under the control of anyone. And then I surrendered to God and said, ?OK. You can put the saddle on me.?
Today I feel like a wild horse that has been broken. Is my surrender perfect? Imperfect people never do anything perfectly and I confess, sadly, that every so often, I want to throw God out of the saddle and be ?free? again. But I think I've learned that that ?freedom? is really bondage and I know that my surrender, if imperfect, is sincere.
While my background helps explain why I made such bad choices, it does not make them either right or good. I grew up in Detroit, Michigan. My parents were alcoholics and adulterers. Because I was the youngest of five children, by the time I was twelve, I had no sibling at home and was left to raise myself.
My parents would go to the bar until two a.m. while I sat in fear at home alone, until they got back. I was afraid that someone would break into the house and kill me, because when I was ten my brother had broken into the house and my dad almost stabbed him with a knife. My mom had a lover and my dad left my mom for another woman, only to come back to her and us kids.
When I was five, my fifteen-year-old sister forced me to have sex with her when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. As she grabbed me and pulled down my pants, I felt very afraid and helpless and wanted to run away.
The next morning I woke up to find I had wet the bed. From that moment on I shut down my emotions and lived in fear of going to the bathroom until I was ten. I was angry with my parents because they made no effort to find out why I wet the bed. My grandmother would verbally abuse me for wetting the bed at night and I lived in fear of her. I was so traumatized by the rape that I completely blocked it out of consciousness until a year ago when I was 54. At last I had the key to many of my childhood fears and my bedwetting!
When I was eight, the boy next door exposed himself to me. I remember standing there in shock as he called me into the bathroom. He wanted me to sleep with him that night and I remember begging mom to let me sleep on the couch instead. I was terrified and felt alone. When I was ten I started to masturbate. That felt good and brought some comfort for the pain inside?a pain I could not identify or understand or even acknowledge.
I first became aware of homosexual feelings when I was twelve. I would fantasize that the man on TV who hosted the children?s program was my father.
When I was fourteen, a female high school teacher tried to seduce me because her husband was impotent. At 16, my brother?s buddy, who was twenty-two, attempted to sodomize me. While he did not succeed, I was very scared and afterward went downstairs and just sat in dead silence, watching TV with my brother. I just shut my feelings down totally. I never told anyone what had happened until three years ago on Thanksgiving. Then I told my brother what his friend had tried to do to me. He just shrugged and said he?d thought the guy might have been gay. I wanted to slug him! I felt victimized all over again.
When I was twenty-two, I had sex with my roommate the day before I got out of the US Air Force. I felt sick inside and wanted to commit suicide but was too afraid to carry the thought through.
I went to college and met my future wife in Munich, Germany, where we were both studying German. After I graduated, I went to grad school to get an international MBA. A year later I got married.
At first, things were fine. Our sex life was great! Then, four years later, we started to have children. After our second child, my wife went into a depression with frightening anger. She would call me at work and threaten to kill the children and herself.
Her counselor told me she would not do that because she loved her children too much, but I was still afraid and again shut down emotionally. This only served to increase my wife?s anger at me. I noticed that I was attracted to manager where I worked but just stuffed the feelings and moved to Detroit where I grew up. But the attractions toward men continued to grow stronger.
I went back to graduate school when I was thirty-nine and found that there was no question that I was lusting after men. One night an engineering manager called me at nine p.m. and offered to come over and give me oral sex. I was shocked! I could not believe my ears! I began to shake! My wife asked if I was OK and I said I was fine. The next day this man gave me a disk with a woman giving oral sex to a man.
I tried to open up to a man I knew at church but got scared and did not open up. I started calling the gay hotline to find out where gay bars were in Detroit and one night, after a big argument with my wife, I went to a gay bar for the first time in my life. I was thirty-nine years old.
I acted out with a man on the way back home from a business trip the next year. The experience was disappointing and the guilt drove me to tell my wife and my church. The church treated me like a reprobate, and my wife and children were treated like lepers. My wife was so hurt that she came after me with a butcher knife one night and I had to run from the house for my life.
Three months after this first sexual encounter with another man, I was sent to Germany for four months on my job. At first all went well, but, after a few weeks of loneliness, I started going to gay bars in Germany and met a German man with whom I had sex. It seemed to ?fix? me and I found I could not stop acting out, no matter how hard I tried. I had one one-night stand after another. I lived a double life from then on. I did not tell my wife or anyone else what was happening this time.
This went on for fourteen years until I did something I would never have thought I would do in a million years! In March 2004, I hit on a colleague at work. I tried to touch him sexually in the men?s bathroom. He reported it, and I was fired.
That night I went home and had to tell my wife I had lost my job, and why. She was shocked because she thought I had dealt with all this years ago. I immediately went to a therapist who helped men find freedom from homosexuality every week, started attending a support group twice a week, and went to a recovery retreat for a weekend.
Shortly after this I got a call from a detective about my attempt to hit on my co-worker and immediately got an attorney. I found myself before a judge in May 2004, and got one year probation. Because I was already going to a therapist and support group, the court did not make me go to a state therapist and state group.
Unfortunately, from March 2004, to July 2005, I just white-knuckled my recovery. Though I thought I was working the program because I did not act out during that time, my lust and my anger were not dealt with.
Thus, in anger, I acted out again in July 2005. I told my therapist two days after the incident and he told me I had to tell my wife. I told her that Friday, and packed my bags to leave, but she went into a rage and stopped me, telling me she was planning to commit suicide. My therapist told me to keep on eye on her and call 911 if she tried to follow through on ending her life.
Late Saturday afternoon she told me to get out and that she would be all right. It was then that I drove like a crazy man feeling like that wild animal. My counselor called me while I was driving. I told him how I felt. I also told him and God that I now surrender. I am willing to let God ride this broken horse.
Yes, I am still such a fool that I want to buck every so often and tell God I want my ?freedom? back. But thanks to God?s grace, a good counselor, the support I receive from Homosexuals Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous, I have found hope and am finding healing!
--W. E., Reading, PA
-- John J.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 (Amplified Bible)
| Psalm 103:6 (The Message) |
|
6. GOD makes everything come out right; he puts victims back on their feet. In step 3 I saw how God has been able to take this mess I have made and begin to make good out of it for His glory.
|
anyone interested in the subject of homosexuality. With the help of JONAH and
the Journey Into Manhood Weekends, this man was able to take off his "Mask of
Gayness" and become the man that God and nature intended him to be.
Shalom, Elaine Silodor Berk, Co-Director of JONAH
AN SSA MAN FINDS THE HOLINESS WITHIN
This letter is written to any bochur or yungerman (unmarried or
married young man) who experiences Same Sex Attraction (SSA) as well as the
parents, Roshei Yeshiva (Yeshiva Dean), Rebbeim (Yeshiva teachers), or
friends of such persons. I hope and pray to the Ribbono Shel Olam (Master of the
Universe) that Jews and others who experience SSA will be spared the suffering
that I have endured and will realize that the feelings and cravings for
persons of the same gender can be a source of personal growth in Torah and Ahavat
haShem (Love of G-d). The feelings can also serve as a guide to discovering
the incredible neshama (soul) that one possesses. This letter will promote
only behavior that is in line with the teachings of Chazal (our Sages of
blessed memory).
By way of background, I am writing this well into adult life and
as a father of several children. As a child, I went to a Hebrew day school,
the majority of whose students came from observant families. I continued on
to a yeshiva that is headed by talmidim (students) of Rabbi Aharon Kotler,
zt'l (of blessed memory) and, eventually switched to a major yeshiva in
Brooklyn. I remained in that yeshiva until I was in my early twenties. When I
left the yeshiva I had been married for a year and my wife and I were already
parents.
Curiously, I am writing about my yeshiva experience before I
write about my home life, possibly because my yeshiva experience was a source of
great happiness for me. My home life was not. My mother was overbearing
and over engaged in my life. I was one of several children, and became my
mother's right hand man (or should I say maid?). In many ways, I was a crutch
to her, needing to protect her and care for her. I specifically remember times
that my mother said that she would die and leave me to care for my younger
brother. Eventually, her prediction was fulfilled symbolically, as she became
an invalid shortly after my father's death at an early age.
My father was physically present, but we did not have a close
relationship for most of my growing up years. In my late teens, we actually
began to build a close relationship, but he died shortly after that. I did not
cease mourning for him until April 2006, for reasons that will be clear in
this writing.
As a child, I was (and continue to be) a sensitive person, often
taking in the feelings of others as my own. In school, I was not athletic,
which caused me to be excluded by my peer group and even ridiculed by them.
The element of an over engaged mother, an emotionally absent father, a
sensitive personality, and peer rejection, are ingredients that are the seeds of
homosexual behavior in some boys and men.
In the three years before I married, I heard lectures from
rabbanim (Rabbis) that downplayed the role of romance in marriage. Since I was not
attracted to women anyway, these ideas sat well with me. I was certain that
after I married, the attraction that I did have for men (and quite strongly
by that time in my life) would go away. As is the case with many (perhaps all)
SSA men, the attraction not only did not diminish, it grew stronger. There
was no one in the therapy world at that time who could explain that the
attraction to men was a signal from my brain and body that I needed legitimate
male companionship and friendship. After four years of marriage, I gave up the
fight with my yetzer horah (desires) and started seeking men. At first, it
was just going to gay discos and watching men dance, a great source of calm to
me. But gradually, as the years went on, I sought out men for sexual
activity.
While, Baruch haShem (thank G-d), I never crossed the line into
mishkav zachar (the type of homosexual intercourse forbidden by the Torah),
the personal loss of kedushas haguf (personal sanctity) because of my many
aveiros (sins) is beyond retelling. Suffice it to say that my behavior was a
constant source of shame. Even so, I couldn't put a stop to it. Over the
years, I saw several therapists, one of whom encouraged me to simply accept who
"I was" and even find a lover.
By 2005, I despaired of ever overcoming both the attraction and
the behaviors associated with it. Then I heard about a film, Trembling
Before God. While the film promotes, to some degree, the idea of being Jewish and
gay, its real impact on me was that there was a Jewish voice to what I was
experiencing and that I was not alone. The film led me to several web-sites,
all sponsored by organizations whose messages and focus I do not support.
In the course of my web-related research I came across Kedusha.com and,
finally to JONAH whose activities and guidance have given me back my life.
At first, I was resistant to the types of therapy that JONAH
promotes which are variously called reparative or reorientation or change
therapy. But as I read more of the books that are suggested by JONAH, I realized
that my homosexual desires were not ends in themselves, but symptoms of a man
who had lost his manhood, his masculinity, and, in my case, longed for his
father. The more I recognized and acknowledged what the symptoms were telling
me, the more the behavior decreased.
The really pivotal powerful moments came at a Journey into
Manhood (JIM) weekend that I attended in early April 2006. The event is sponsored
by an organization called People Can Change (PCC), www.peoplecanchange.com.
While PCC is a non-religious organization, there was over a minyan (quorum)
of Jews at the event, most of whom are shomer Torah u' Mitzvot (Sabbath
observant). I am not permitted to go into the specifics of the activities, but
what I gained from the weekend can only be described as life transforming.
I finally came face to face with the fears that drove my
homosexual behavior and was able to use those fears to transform from a frightened
boy into a courageous man.
I began to recognize the incredibly powerful masculinity that lay
within me, the gold I possess within that makes me a unique man with a
mission.
My manhood was affirmed by other men who were in attendance in a
way that finally swept away the sense of low self esteem that had permitted
the undesired behaviors in the first place. Lifetime, healthy friendships
were formed with men who are also seeking a path of complete manhood.
I was finally able to come to grips with the loss of the father I
knew and realize that, despite his absence, he loved me very much and was
proud of the young man I had become before his death.
I came home from the weekend as a better husband and a better
father.
Above all, I learned that to touch another man can be done in a
way that is healthy, holy and noble. The Torah speaks openly of such
touching, as with Dovid and Yehonasan (David and Jonathan) as related in the Book
of Samuel. In fact, their friendship is described in Ethics of the Fathers as
a pure love, because it is not tainted with a desire for reward, sexual or
otherwise. I learned how that touch can happen. As a result, I came away
from the activities with a restored sense of Kedushas haguf (personal sanctity)
and a belief that G-d was giving me strength through SSA.
The so called "gay-lobby" and "gay rights" people would have us
believe that homosexuality is normal in some people and that there is actually
such an entity as a homosexual. One of my rebbeim (Yeshiva teachers)
taught that the source for all language is in the Torah, where no such word
exists. The Torah condemns the behavior, but never calls a person who performs the
act by a specific noun. Even in the English language, the word did not
exist until the mid-nineteenth century. The fact is that there is no such
entity or identity as a ?gay? person. The behaviors are a matter of choice,
though sometimes driven by intense desire.
Even some in the frum (religious) world believe that there is a
genetic basis to the condition. The fact is that there is no evidence to
that effect. Even when the American Psychological Association (APA) removed
homosexuality from the list of conditions considered worthy of treatment, they
did so because of political pressure, not based on research. There are
millions of people who have an attraction to members of their own sex, but there is
no valid research that shows that they are a biological group in the same
way Caucasians, Blacks, or Orientals can be biologically grouped. The Torah's
ways are pleasant. There is no way that G-d would give a person a biology
that is diametrically opposed to the mitzvot (commandments) G-d bids us to
fulfill.
A bochur or yungerman (unmarried or married young man) who is
faced with this condition should investigate reparative therapy. He cannot
assume that he must live with homosexual longings for a lifetime. Marriage is
not the cure. The repair comes from within, knowing what the cravings are
messaging. Please, l'ma'an haShem (for G-d's sake) do not accept what the gay
community wants you to believe. Their interest is in pandering to desires
that fit in with a basically selfish world view and are certainly not in line
with the Torah's teaching. Possessing a Jewish n'shama (soul) requires you to
guard the sanctity of your life. There is a way to do so that will liberate
one from SSA and actually enable one to have insight into one's innermost
needs.
For purposes of protecting any of my family who would have
difficulty answering questions about me, I will remain anonymous. However, if you
wish to contact me, you can obtain my name through Arthur Goldberg or Elaine
Silodor Berk, Co-Directors of JONAH, Jews Offering New Alternatives to
Homosexuality. They can be reached at _JONAHHelp@aol.com_
(http://mail.yahoo.com/config/login?/ym/Compose?To=JONAHHelp@aol.com) or through the JONAH web site
at _www.jonahweb.org_ (http://www.jonahweb.org/) .
Hello,
My name is Emily Likens and I attend Living Stone Calvary Chapel in Canon City, Colorado. I am working alongside my husband, Bob (who is on the board of directors), and a group of people who have be given the desire to provide a place of healing and rest for women affected by sexual sin. This includes rape, prostitution, sexual abuse, homosexuality, adultery, pornography, homelessness, pregnancy, abortion and the sex entertainment industry. I am hoping to get in touch with someone who might be willing to share with me on set up of your program/recovery center. I am trying to flesh out house rules, daily schedule of the home, basic program requirements, discipleship programs, counseling, sex education, in-take forms for women etc. We are a NPO called Lydia's House, Inc. Right now we are still hammering out the details.
A little about Lydia?s House, Inc.-
Our mission statement: To walk with her, to restore His beloved, keeping her in constant touch with our Comforter, Healer and Redeemer.
Our Goal: Creating a Christ centered home for women who need the truth, hope and love that can only be given by our Lord Jesus Christ. A place where they can break sinful patterns at the Cross and begin the healing process from sexual sin.
Women will be immersed in the healing of God?s Word through daily devotionals, bible studies, and personal quiet time. There will be a required study dealing specifically with sexual sin that the women must participate in. They will also serve one another and the community, sharing Christ?s love. Through this they will begin to understand the depth of God?s love and start to foster a relationship with Him.
Here is my own personal testimony:
The value of a Christ centered, Christ based halfway house for women.
He is like a tree planted by the streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. Psalm 1:3
I didn?t start out with flowering fruit in my life but I certainly started in the desert of Arizona, in the spiritual desert of my young life. I was 18, living away from home attending the University of Arizona. I came from a typical alcoholic home and had been affected from the years of physical, mental and sexual abuse. Though God has graciously allowed for me to remember only vaguely all that went on, I still had formed traits typical to abuse survivors. I had started early on to identify my body as property , a thing used to barter temporary love and affection. I took out all my hurt and anger on my body looking at it with disgust when it once again failed me in getting me the love and acceptance that I desired. I cut it, over worked it to the point of collapse, overfed it, starved it, and flaunted it openly. I began to think that I could only gain favor with anyone by giving away the precious jewel of purity that God had given me. Needless to say by the time I had arrived at the age of 18, I was a dry, cracked, ugly, dead stick of wood. At that point in my life I didn?t think that any amount of watering could revive me. I was a barren land spiritually. After my freshman year of college I knew that things were not well with my soul and I decided to check myself into a short term treatment facility to get my bulimia under control. Before I had even completed the 30 days, I was told that I needed a much longer treatment care plan. At that point I was given the choice of Colorado or Prescott, Arizona. Since I had always wanted to live in Colorado I decided I might as well continue on there. Now, in hindsight, I can see God?s mighty hand working in my life. The treatment center I was going to was an all women?s facility which would not allow me to find a man to cling to, instead it allowed me to find the Man to surrender my life too. Upon arriving in Colorado, I was informed of the rules that I needed to abide by in order to stay. I had the desire to change but the rules provided no concrete direction. The direction came in the form of a Christian girl only 1 year older than myself. I was told by my counselor that she needed to be my sponsor and I can say now, that was an incredible gift from God. She asked me to come to church with her, so I did and for 12 Sundays I went to church, but didn?t really see the importance of accepting Jesus Christ as my savior. I felt that the messages presented were very relevant to my life but I could not delve any further into Christianity. After 107 days it was recommended to me that I attend a halfway house in Florida for 90 more days. There, they assured me I would learn how to re-integrate myself into normal society. The house in theory was a good thing. It was a safe place for only women. The goal, through many group therapy sessions, personal therapy sessions and outside work, was to learn how to function in everyday life in a ?normal? way. I went there expecting to meet God like I did in Colorado and was sorely disappointed. It was as dry as Arizona and I began to drift back into my old ways. I began seeking out male attention and wondering what was wrong with me, why didn?t any man want me? What I didn?t get yet was that there was a Man who wanted me, all of me and had gone through extreme measures even to the point of dying for me so I could be with Him. All I knew was God was in Colorado and if I wanted to be a changed person I needed to go back. So after I spent ninety days learning how to work along side other women, how to cook, how to take care of myself physically and was given some basic living skills, I packed up my truck and headed back out to Colorado. During this time I had kept in contact with my Colorado sponsor and some friends who ?happened? to be Christians. They set me up with a Christian roommate and helped me get acquainted with the town that I now call home. Although I wasn?t in a Christian halfway house God wasted no time setting up a ?program? tailored just for me. I began to get involved with church and could see my desperate need for Jesus. I accepted Him in my truck driving to my house and from then on my life has been changed. You see I was a woman who needed the Lord. I needed Him to say how much I mattered to Him, how much He cared and that He would go through anything, anywhere just to be with me. There are so many women who desperately need to know the same truth. They have been parched for so long and unfortunately there are not many places that will water their soul with Christ. They need a safe place that has rules not just placed there for the success of a ?program? but are there out of love, directing them towards Jesus. They need to see Jesus in the lives of others and know it is not just a treatment conversion, but a real relationship. I believe that the benefits of such a home for women who have just come to know the Lord or will soon know Him are irreplaceable. There needs to be a home that is a place of refuge and protection, a place of serving and being served, a safe haven built upon and centered in the love of Christ. Speaking as a woman who would have benefited from a Christian halfway house, I believe that this is a God inspired epiphany.
I am sharing this with you not to draw attention to myself or to evoke sympathy but to share the real need for this home. Lydia?s House, Inc. is a much prayed for place in this community and we appreciate your time and help in this matter.
Please feel free to contact us by phone, e-mail or mail:
Bob and Emily Likens-
(719)-275-6135
Lydia's House, Inc.
P.O. Box 423
Penrose, Co 81240
Ein Zeugnis eines (männlichen) Mitglieds unserer Selbsthilfegruppen
Meine Zeugnisse
Ich bin in einem sehr christlichen Elternhaus aufgewachsen. Wir Kinder (älterer Bruder und jüngere Schwester) haben viele Grundwerte des Christ sein anerzogen bekommen. In der Kindheit war ich sehr oft krank (Sorgenkind).
Bis zu meinem 3. Lebensjahr musste ich öfters, besonders bei meiner Oma in Bayern mit Mädchenkleider leben da sie sich ein Mädchen wünschte. Dann wurde endlich meine Schwester geboren. In der Schule war ich immer der letzte, ein Träumer. Meine besten Freunde waren immer Mädchen. Beim Sport wurde ich immer als letzter ausgewählt. Vom Sport und schwimmen habe ich mich am liebsten gedrückt.
Ich hatte eine schlecht Beziehung zu meinem Vater, er hatte nie Zeit und wenn er da war musste er die Prügel die ich erhalten sollte austeilen so hatte ich es in meinem Kopf abgespeichert, er war für das Geld verdienen zuständig und meine Mutter für die Kindererziehung.
Zu meiner Mutter hatte ich eine liebende Beziehung, war das Mutterliebling.
Homosexuelle Gefühle hatte ich schon immer. In der Schule habe ich die Jungs immer vergöttert, besonders im Sport. Ich wusste das es nicht richtig war, aber ich habe es für mich, im geheimen gelebt. Nur mit den Augen fühlen und in Gedanken träumen.
Beziehungen mit einem Mann waren für mich undenkbar, Körperkontakt war für mich sehr wichtig, ich habe es immer und überall getan.
Aber keiner sollte es wissen, mit Gott habe ich nicht über diese Gefühle gesprochen, er war für mich weit weg.
Mit 18 hatte ich meine persönliche Glaubens Bekehrung, nach meiner Taufe erlebte ich das Gefühl ich bin ein neuer Mensch, die Gefühle waren weg (meinte ich), nach einigen Monaten, als ich mich wieder mehr um mich und weniger um meine Gemeinschaft mit Jesus kümmerte, kamen meine Gefühle wieder. Ich wusste nicht mehr was das soll. Ich dachte Gott liebt mich nicht.
Mit 25 Jahren hatte ich eine sehr schwere Zeit, ich bekam Krebs, zwei schwere Jahre für mich und meine Familie. Mir wurde ein großer Teil meiner Lunge entfernt und es kam noch eine Herz OP von über 8 Stunden dazu, mein Leben hing am Faden, nach und nach kam ich wieder zu Kräften.
In der REHA in Freiburg wurde mir wieder alles bewusst, die Gefühle kamen wieder. Ich schrie zu Gott "Warum lässt du mich nicht sterben ich kann so nicht leben" dann ging ich auf das Dach der Klinik und wollte mich hinab stürzen aber irgend was hinderte mich daran.
Danach kam ich zum Therapeuten, und ich konnte Müll abladen, helfen konnte er mir auch nicht.
Als ich wieder Gesund war wollte ich alles besser machen, in der Arbeit wurde ich sehr erfolgreich und auch das Geld floss und ich konnte mir alles Leisten, Gott war weit weg (meinte ich), dann kam meine 1. Freundin in mein Leben und ich meinte, das jetzt alles OK ist.
Bald war ich beruflich selbstst?ndig, dann kam das Aus: Lebensgefährtin weg, Geld weg, Firma weg, und die Gefühle waren da. Jetzt war es mir alles egal, ich sagte es allen was mit mir los ist und ich lebte wie ich es wollte. Gott war mir piepegal.
In dieser Zeit habe ich sehr wild gelebt, hab Freunde verloren, mit Eltern kein Kontakt und vieles mehr. Was ich nicht wusste das meine Familie sehr für mich betete.
Aber dann kam das Gewissen und die Schuldgefühle, ich entschied mich die Umgebung zu verlassen und ging von BW nach Bayern um ein Neuanfang mit Gott zu machen, wie? das wusste ich nicht aber ich sah das es ohne ihn nicht geht.
Schritt um Schritt kam ich vorwärts, neue Freunde die mich als Mensch sahen, dir mir vertrauten, denen ich von mir erzählen konnte.
Auch hier hatte ich Kontakt zu Männer aber ich kämpfte, und Gott kam (so dachte ich immer näher).
Ich ging auf ein allgemeines Suchtseminar von hope4you und da war Eva (Name geändert), die auch das Problem hatte, aber sie war frei "frei, frei, frei" ich habe mit ihr geredet, endlich jemand dem es auch so ging und die auch noch dazu eine Befreiung erlebte.
Jesus zeigte mir den Weg zu JASON die christliche Männer Selbsthilfegruppe in München, ich ging 1x in der Woche in die Gruppe, hab mich mit Ursachen beschäftigt, konnte endlich meinen Heilungsweg gehen und in meiner Kindheit aufräumen und mit meinem Vater und meiner Mutter Frieden schließen.
Dann kam das Beste, mein Bild zum himmlischen Vater veränderte sich, ich wurde sein Sohn, er war nicht mehr der bestrafende Gott sondern der liebende Vater, er offenbart sich täglich in meinem Leben und ich kann nach 20 Jahren des Kampfes sagen, es ist das beste sein Sohn zu sein, denn mein Vater im Himmel will nur das Beste für mich und ich lerne Ihn täglich besser kennen und das ist meine Heilung.
Im November 2007 bin ich von Jesus geheilt worden, er hat mich von allen Sehnsüchten befreit und mich neu gemacht nach seiner Verheißung.
"Wenn Jesus frei macht den macht er wirklich frei".
Das ist meine tiefe Überzeugung und danach habe ich mein Leben ausgerichtet.
Heute darf ich bei JASON Männer ermutigen und für mein leben lernen. Und seit einigen Monaten haben wir eine gemischte Gruppe und erleben auch hier Heilung, ich musste lange gehen bis ich verstanden habe was Heilung bedeutet, Gott war mir nie fern sonder er hat mich immer getragen.
Gott ist keine Tablette die man schluckt und dann ist alles gut, nein er möchte Gemeinschaft mit uns haben und das immer, denn meine Sorgen sind auch seine und meine Freuden sind auch seine, denn nur durch Gemeinschaft mit ihm können wir lernen und erfahren wie er's richtig meint.
Ich danke meinem Papa und meiner Mama für meine Kindheit und ihre Gebete, jetzt kann ich sehen das auch sie in ihrer Kindheit viele wichtige Werte nicht erfahren hatten und somit auch nicht weiter geben konnten. Auch danke ich meinen Geschwistern Monika und Joachim für ihre Gebete die ganzen 20 Jahre und das sie mich nie aufgegeben haben, auch all meinen Freunden und euch allen für die Hilfe und Fürbitte.
Kämpft weiter es lohnt sich, ich habe es erlebt.
Es Grüßt euch in Liebe
euer Sohn, Bruder und Freund
(used with permission)
