Jason International

Mentoring Men = Discipleship 

Occasionally I come across a well-written article that approaches same-sex
attractions from a psychological perspective.  While I do not agree with
the entirety of the following article, I believe it helpful in many ways. 
And while I believe psychology can help diagnose problems, I maintain that
the body of Christ remains God’s agent in healing people’s
hurts.  What follows is an article by Steven Donaldson on Mentorship.  In
a few places I have interjected my observations which are in CAPITAL
LETTERS and parentheses.

Mentorship of Men Who Struggle with Same Sex Attraction (SSA)
By Steven Donaldson, M.A., L.P.C.

Mentoring is a process in which an emotionally and spiritually mature man
befriends and walks beside a younger man who struggles with SSA. A mentor
is not a therapist and so does not need to have special knowledge of SSA.
He should not be in a position of ecclesiastical authority over the mentee.
He needs only to act as an adult father figure to an adult son. The purpose
of mentoring (JESUS CALLED THIS PROCESS “MAKING DISCIPLES”) is
to help in healing the father wound of the mentee's childhood.
 
These men inevitably suffer from some sort of injury in their relationship
with their father. Either the father did not achieve his own sense of
competence and strength in the world, or he rejected the son (covertly or
overtly) and failed to share his masculinity with him. (RESEARCH SUGGESTS
THAT SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS ARE MORE PREVALENT IN THE AFRICAN AMERICAN
COMMUNITY THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION.  THIS IS BELIEVED TO BE DUE TO THE
LACK OF FATHER FIGURES IN THE HOME.  CONVERSELY, BILL GLASS SAYS HIS
RESEARCH SUGGESTS THAT SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS ARE LESS PREVALENT IN JEWISH
FAMILESTHAN THE GENERAL POPULATION AND HE BELIEVES THIS IS DUE TO THE
STRONG JEWISH EMPHASIS ON THE FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP.)  In either case
the boy did not form an intimate relationship with a strong and moral
father figure. Since young children never perceive their parents as flawed,
the young boy naturally assumes that the reason the father does not seek
him out and love him is that he, the child, is inadequate in some way. This
leaves him longing for affection and attention from his father (or father
figure), yet hurt and fearful of further rejection. For the boy who will
later develop SSA, there is a fear of men and sense of alienation from them
(Moberly, 1983, Nicolosi, 1991).
 
At a very early age, before choice is a factor, the child begins to protect
himself from rejection by defensively detaching from his father, who later
comes to represent all men (Moberly, 1983, Nicolosi, 1991). He tells
himself that he doesn't need his father's love or approval;that he doesn't
care about his father. At this point the child begins to develop an
identity in which he simultaneously rejects his own masculinity and longs
for the love, affection and approval of a strong and confident man. The boy
dis identifies with his father; he in essence says to himself, "My father
is bad, I don't want to be like him." This often leaves the boy with no one
to identify with outside of his mother.
 
Since parental systems function in unison, where the father vacates, the
mother overcompensates. (OVERCOMPENSATING SHOULD NOT BE INTERPRETED AS A
MOTHER’S BLUNDER.  PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS
HAVE GOTTEN A BAD RAP FROM THE CLINICAL SCIENCES AND THE CHRISTIAN
COMMUNITY ON THIS ISSUE.) Often, the marriage is compromised and the mother
devalues the father. If this happens, a bond is formed between mother and
son based on their shared rejection of the father. Since the boy has no one
else to depend on, hemust modify himself in anyway necessary to maintain
his relationship with his mother. This inevitably includes joining her in
devaluing (dis identifying with) the father (Bieber, et al., 1988,
Socarides, 1978).
 
His dis identification with men protects him from his fear of masculine
incompetence; in addition, it protects his bond with his mother. But the
sexual fantasy or behavior allows the struggler to have connection with a
man without the overwhelmingly frightening obligation to become a man. He
forfeits becoming fully male, which he fears he cannot achieve, in exchange
for having the love and approval of a man. He becomes sexually attracted to
the characteristics of other men that he feels he cannot achieve in
himself.
 
Healthy Development

In a healthy family setting, a boy naturally internalizes masculinity when
he is pursued and loved by his father, whom he perceives as strong and
good. It is the father's job to go into the maternal nest and literally
take his son away from the security of his mother. Boys are always
frightened and cling to their mothers, but this fear does not make them
mama's boys;  it is natural. When the father aggressively claims his son
as his own, the boy feels scared on the one hand and excited on the other.
He learns to use scary and noisy tools, he learns to ride his bike without
training wheels, he learns to catch a baseball, and he learns to dive into
deep water. Each triumph with father forms a powerful bond between the
father and son. (THERE IS A DISPROPORTIONATE OCCURANCE OF MALE
HOMOSEXUALITY COMPARED TO FEMALE HOMOSEXUALITY.  I.E. MANY MORE MEN HAVE
SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS THAN WOMEN – A FACT WHICH CAUSES ONE TO QUESTION
– “WHY?”  NICOLOSI HAS A FASCINATING THEORY.  ALL
CHILDREN ARE BORN OF A WOMAN. SONS AND DAUGHTERS GESTATE IN THEIR
MOTHER’S WOMB.  THEY HEAR HER VOICE AND AUTOMATICALLY IDENTIFY WITH
HER.  AFTER THEY ARE BORN, INFANTS CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THEY ARE ‘ONE
WITH THEIR MOTHER’.  AS THEY GROW, THEY REALIZE THEY ARE SEPARATE
INDIVIDUALS FROM THEIR MOTHER.  THIS, OF COURSE, IS GOOD FROM THE
DAUGHTER’S PERSPECTIVE—THE DAUGHTER AND MOTHER ARE BOTH
FEMALE.  HOWEVER, SONS HAVE AN ADDITIONAL HURDLE TO LEAP IN BECOMING A
MAN.  SONS MUST, AT SOME POINT, DIS-IDENTIFY WITH MOTHER AND IDENTIFY WITH
FATHER. IF THIS LEAP IS UNSUCCESSFUL, THE SON IS MORE PRONE TO CONTINUE
IDENTIFYING WITH HIS MOTHER – WHICH MAY LEAD TO SAME-SEX
ATTRACTIONS.  THE FAILURE TO MAKE THIS LEAP MAY BE BECAUSE (1) THE FATHER
DIES WHEN SON IS YOUNG, (2) THE FATHER’S WORK TAKES HIM FROM HOME A
GREAT DEAL, (3) THE SON’S DISPOSITION MAKES IT HARDER FOR HIM TO
IDENTIFY WITH HIS FATHER.  THERE ARE MANY MORE POTENTIAL FACTORS AND
COMBINATION OF FACTORS.)

(I, TIM WILKINS, HAVE A THEORY TO ESPOUSE HERE.  THE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM
SAYS THAT ONE FACTOR IN DEVELOPMENT OF SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS IS THAT THE
CHILD DID NOT BOND APPROPRIATLY WITH THEIR SAME-SEX PARENT—I.E. SON
TO FATEHR AND DAUGHTER TO MOTHER.  I AM NOT SURE THAT IS THE CASE.  I
TEND TO BELIEVE THE FATHER IS THE “PIVOTAL PARENT”. 
HERE’S WHY!  GOD HAS CREATED US IN SUCH A WAY THAT THE FATHER
DETERMINES THE SEX OF THE CHILD.  THE FATHER PRODUCES BOTH MALE AND FEMALE
SPERM WHICH FERTILIZE THE MOTHER’S EGG.  THUS, THE FATHER IS THE
PARENT WHO DETERMINES THE CHILD’S GENDER.  OBVIOUSLY THE FATHER DOES
NOT CONSCIOULY DETERMINE THAT HE WILL MAKE A SON OR DAUGHTER.  WHICHEVER
SPERM FERTILIZES HIS WIFE’S EGG IS WHAT THE CHILD WILL BE.  IS THAT
BIOLOGICAL FACT AN ILLUSTRATION OF THE FATHER’S MAJOR ROLE IN
AFFIRMING HIS SON’S MASCULINITY AND HIS DAUGHTER’S
FEMININITY?  SPEAKING ANECDOTALLY, MY WIFE CAN TELL ANY OF OUR THREE GIRLS
THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND THE GIRLS LOVE IT.  WHEN I TELL ANY OF OUR GIRLS
THEY ARE BEAUFITUL, THEY APPEAR TO GLOW.  LISA AND I BOTH HAVE NOTICED
THIS AND WE DO REALIZE ONE COULD ARGUE THAT WE ARE SEEING WHAT WE
‘WANT’ TO SEE.)

The mentor serves to work toward healing this wound. But mentors must
understand that this wound will never be healed completely. Even a perfect
mentoring relationship will not make up for a lost childhood when an
affirming father would have made the real difference. (WE MUST REMEMBER
THAT WE LIVE ON THIS SIDE OF THE ‘FALL OF MAN”; SIN AND
BROKENESS ENTERED THE WOLRD IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN.  WE WILL NOT BE MADE
WHOLE UNTIL WE SEE CHRIST FACE TO FACE.)

The Characteristics of a Good Mentor

To be effective, a mentor must have several characteristics. No one can be
the perfect embodiment of these characteristics; nonetheless, the mentor
must be very strong in this set of characteristics. A good mentor must
demonstrate self confidence and good moral character. That is, he must have
achieved a sense of masculine competence of his own.
 
A good mentor must have strong gender identity. That is, he must feel good
about himself as a man. This does not mean being "super macho." Hyper
masculinity can actually be a sign of weak gender identification. Evidence
of sound gender security includes the lack of defensiveness or the need to
prove anything to anyone, and active participation in his masculine roles 
e.g., as father, husband, provider, and ecclesiastical leader, with male
friendships and participation in some typical male activities. In addition,
males with good gender identification relate respectfully and well to
women. Such a man respects and likes women, and it shows. In essence, he
should enjoy every aspect of being a man.
 
A good mentor will have good ego strength. What this means is that he does
not get his feelings hurt easily and has no problem setting limitswith his
mentee. (MEN WITH SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS ARE OFTEN EASILY OFFENDED.  A
MENTOR’S COMMENT OR ACTION MAY HURT THE MENTEE—EVEN WHEN THE
COMMENT WAS TOTALLY INNOCUOUS.  WHY?  THE MAN WITH SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS
IS EXCEEDINGLY SENSITIVE.  THUS, HE MAY TAKE OFFENSE TO SOMETHING YOU
SAY.  THE MENTOR MUST BE ABLE TO DETECT WHEN A PERCEIVED OFFENSE HAS
OCCURRED AND APOLOGIZE.)  Mentoring can be very trying, and requires
tenacity for the long haul. (TO THOSE WHO MAY FIND THIS DISCONCERTING,
REMEMBER THAT JESUS DEVOTED THREE YEARS TO DISCIPLING HIS APOSTLES.) Same
sex attraction did not form overnight and even with highly motivated
clients, it will not go away overnight. Furthermore, the mentor's self
esteem cannot depend on the success of his mentee. He must remain positive,
loving, and encouraging no matter how badly his mentee fails.

Men who struggle with SSA can be at the same time emotionally needy and
defensively detached. This means they long for emotional contact with men,
but fear being hurt. At the first sign of abandonment they can become
defensive and even reactive which can easily be interpreted as
condescendence. The mentor can never take the defensiveness personally and
must be able to set limits on the emotional neediness. (I MENTORED A MAN
SOMETIME AGO WHO WAS VERY FEARFUL OF REJECTION—THOUGH HE HAD HID FROM
ME HIS FEAR.  HE HAD HELPED ME WITH SOME HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECTS AND WE
HAD DEVELOPED A GOOD FRIENDSHIP.  ONE DAY HE HAD LEFT A VOICE MESSAGE ON
MY MOBILE PHONE.  UNABLE TO RETURN THE CALL FOR LESS THAN A DAY, I
RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIM.  SHORT AND TO THE POINT HE WROTE “I AM
GOING TO REJECT YOU BEFORE YOU REJECT ME.”  I RECOGNIZED THAT HE HAD
INTERPRETED MY NOT RETURNING HIS CALL AS MY ‘REJECTING’ HIM. 
I IMMEDIATELY CALLED AND REASSURED HIM THAT WAS NOT THE CASE.  THIS IS
WHERE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS SO IMPORTANT.)
 
A good mentor must be emotionally available. He must be comfortable with
his own feelings and able to share these with the mentee. He must also be
comfortable with his own weaknesses, failures, embarrassments, and fears,
and be able to share these with the mentee during times when this type of
disclosure would be helpful. He must be able to hear the mentee talk about
his own fears, anger, feelings of inadequacy, and pain without becoming
anxious or needing to minimize or "fix" them. (WE CHRISTIANS OFTEN FEEL WE
MUST “FIX” PEOPLE – WHICH IS WHY MOST BELEIVERS SAY,
REGARDING HOMOSEXUALS, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR
DO.”  BEING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SAYING OR DOING.  THOSE WITH
SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS ARE NOT MACHINES THAT NEED FIXING; THEY ARE PEOPLE WHO
NEED LOVING.)
 
It is not the job of the mentor to know what the mentee should do, or to
fix his problems: this is very important. The mentor'sprimary job is to be
present over the long haul and to remain emotionally supportive.
(PRESENCE!  TO SIMPLY “BE THERE” IS BOTH REAL AND
REDEMPTIVE.)  The mentor is neither the mentee's moral authority nor his
therapist and does not need to take responsibility for him or direct him in
these ways. Men who struggle with SSA badly need both spiritual direction
and therapeutic help, but this is not the mentor's role.
 
The mentor must be emotionally available, but he in turn should not lean on
the mentee for his own emotional support. In this respect, the mentor
relationship ideally mirrors the relationship of a healthy father - son
dynamic, in which the father provides for the son, but the son does not
provide for the father. Fathers get their needs met in the adult world,
while children seek their emotional support from their parents.

Physical Affection
 
A good mentor must be physically affectionate. Manypeople believe that
being physically affectionate with men who struggle with SSA will
exacerbate their symptoms, but nothing could be further from the truth. Men
who struggle with SSA are afraid of male affection. It is precisely this
fear that makes male affection so intensely sexually interesting. As long
as the mentor has a strong gender identity, there is no chance of the
encounter becoming sexual. This is exactly the kind of safe situation in
which the mentee needs to experiment with allowing himself to genuinely
love and need nonsexual male affection. The deepest longing of the man who
struggles with SSA is not for sex; it is for love and affirmation. (OUR
THINKING IS COUNTERINTUITIVE.  FATHERS NEED TO GIVE THEIR INFANTS/CHILDREN
LOTS OF PHYSICAL AFFECTION.  A YOUNG FATHER ONCE ASKED RON TAFFEL,
“IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I HUG AND KISS MY TWO AND A HALF YEAR OLD SON
GOODNIGHT?  I'M AFRAID IT WILL TURN HIM INTO A HOMOSEXUAL.”  THE
VERY OPPOSITE ISTRUE; FAILING OR REFUSING TO PROVIDE PHYSICAL AFFECTION MAY
DRIVE THE SON TOWARDS SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS.  EVANGLEICALS HAVE OFTEN
GLOSSED OVER THE BIBLICAL ACCOUNTS OF LEGITIMATE AFFECTION BWETWEEN TWO MEN
OR TWO WOMEN.  DAVID AND JONATHAN’S LOVE FOR EACH OTHER WAS
DEMONSTRATIVE.  OTHERS INCLUDE RUTH AND NAOMI, PAUL AND TIMOTHY.  HAVE
YOU EVER HEARD A SERMON ON THE DISPLAY OF HEALTHY AFFECTION WHICH TOOK
PLACE BETWEEN JESUS AND JOHN THE APOSTLE DURING THE LORD’S SUPPER? 
JOHN’S NICKNAME WAS “THE BELOVED” FOR A REASON.)

Finally, the mentor is the one who must pursue the relationship. The mentee
at the core does not trust that the mentor could ever be genuinely
interested in him and, at the same time, not need something from him. This
is a continuation of the father child injury. For this reason, the mentee
will not (and should not) be the initiator in the relationship.
Developmentally it is the father's role to initiate and maintain the father
son relationship. (AND FROM A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE THIS IS ACCURATE.  WHEN
ADAM AND EVE SINNED IN THE GARDEN, GOD INITIATED A SEARCH AND RESCUE
MISSION TO FIND THEM CALLING OUT ‘WHERE ARE YOU?”  THE MIRACLE
OF THE INCARNATION IS THAT GOD LEFT HEAVEN’S SPLENDOR AND CAME DOWN
TO OUR LEVEL.)
 
In addition, when there is any confusion or conflict, the mentee is very
likely to assume that he did something wrong and to withdraw or devalue the
relationship. The mentor must remember that the withdrawal from, or
devaluing of, the relationship is a defense (usually unconscious) against
the intense need and longing for the love and affirmation of an idealized
male. The mentor must not take anything personally and continue to gently
but actively pursue the other man. (TO FAIL TO PURSUE IS TO UNKNOWINGLY
COMMUNICATE TO THE MENTEE “YOU DON’T MATTER TO ME.”  IF
WE MATTER TO GOD, THEN PEOPLE SHOULD MATTER TOUS.)
 
Suggested Activities

Men who struggle with SSA long for a non anxious connection with men.
Therefore the mentor needs to take the initiative in identifying activities
that will be fun for both, and yet not too anxiety provoking. He should
explore their shared interests such as art, music, theater, cars or sports,
with each introducing the other to things they individually enjoy. Over
time, the relationship will develop in a way that will allow the mentee to
take more risks without fearing embarrassment or humiliation. (IT IS A
MISTAKE FOR THE MENTOR TO THINK HE MUST IMMERSE THE STRUGGLER INTO
MALE-STEROTYPICAL ACTIVITIES.  RATHER THE MENTOR IS TO MEET THE MENTEE ON
THE MENTEE’S TURF SO TO SPEAK—JUST AS GOD MET US ON OUR TURF
THROUGH HIS SON JESUS CHRIST.  IF THE MENTEE LIKES THE SYMPHONY, GO WITH
HIM TO THE SYMPHONY.  IF THE MENTEE LIKES THE THEATER, GO WITH HIM TO THE
THEATER.  AS TIME PROGRESSES, ASK THE MENTEE TO GO WITH YOU TO A SPORTING
EVENT.  YOU ARE NOT ATTEMPTING TO SWITCH THE MENTEE’S INTERESTS FROM
THE ARTS TO SPORTS.  YOU ARE BUILDING TRUST, COMMRADERIE, AND FRIENDSHIP.)
 
Some men who struggle with SSA have so strongly defensively detached from
masculinity that almost any male typical activity will trigger a fear /
inadequacy response. In the beginning, even watching a basketball game
together may be stress provoking. Defensive detachment is rarely, however,
expressed as fear: the mentee will probably never say, "I'm afraid of
appearing stupid if I watch a game with you." He is much more likely to
express disinterest, saying, for example "I have never seen the point of
football. It is nothing but egotistical male aggression!" (YOU CAN TAKE THE
PREVIOUS STATEMENTS TO THE BANK.  FEAR AND INADEQUACY CAN BE ALMOST
DEBILITATING TO THE MENTEE.  AND THE MENTEE WILL, MANY TIMES, RESPOND IN A
CONDESCENDING TONE ABOUT THEBALLGAME OR NASCAR RACE.  RECOGNIZE THIS TONE
AS AN UNCONSCIOUS EXPRESSION OF FEAR AND BE SENSITIVE TO IT.)
 
The mentor must see through this defense and slowly encourage his mentee to
be a part of the world of men. This can only happen over time and when
trust is established. Clearly, it is not necessary for all men who struggle
with SSA to become NFL fans; they must, however, develop to the point that
they can attend a Super Bowl party or a church softball game without
feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and inadequacy.
 
Fear Can Trigger Sexual Acting Out

Learning to play team sports and be competitive at them is often a problem
for men who struggle with SSA. Although they should be encouraged to do so,
this should be approached with extreme caution. Mere encouragement in this
area can trigger significant fear, which leads to compulsions to act out
sexually.
 
It is typical for these men to gravitate towardindividual sports such as
track, swimming, diving, and ice skating to avoid being a member of a team.
They feel inadequate to perform in a situation where other men rely on them
in competition. (WHILE THE TYPICAL MAN PLAYS TO WIN, THE MAN WITH SAME-SEX
ATTRATIONS PLAYS FOR FUN AND COMPANIONSHIP.  MAKE THE GAME FUN.)  Even
minor failures in a team sport can be experienced as devastating inadequacy
and overwhelming humiliation. It may be wise to consult with the mentee's
therapist before approaching this issue.
 
It is important to include the mentee in family events when possible, since
many men who struggle with SSA come from dysfunctional families and so have
a distorted view of family life. (NOTICE THE WRITER OF THE ARTICLE SAYS
“MANY MEN” NOT “MOST” OR “ALL” MEN. 
PARENTS UNWITTINGLY DO MANY THINGS WRONG IN REARING THEIR CHILDREN AND THEY
DO MANY THINGS RIGHT.)
 
The mentor may want to encouragechurch based activities. This too must be
handled with caution, because in addition to feeling inadequate socially,
some men who struggle with SSA feel an overwhelming sense of moral guilt
about their sexual orientation. They may not feel like they "fit in" at
church either morally or socially. In some cases church attendance can
increase anxiety, which in turn can lead to increased sexual compulsion.
(WHICH GIVES US MORE REASON FOR OUR CHURCHES TO BE NURTURING.  YOU CAN
NEITHER LEAD A PERSON TO CHRIST NOR LOVE THEM WITH A CLENCHED FIST.)
 
A mentor should seek feedback, since mentees often know what they need.
Being open to the other man's suggestions can be trust building. If at any
point a mentor hurts or disappoints his mentee, a sincere apology without
excuses can be a powerfully healing event. It may be the mentee's first
experience of humility from an authority figure. (THE MENTOR’S
ABILITY TO APOLOGIZE FOR A GAFFE CAN EMPOWER THEMENTEE AND BUILD TRUST.)
 
A mentor should use their mentee's talents. Men who struggle with SSA are
often excellent decorators, florists, and gardeners, to mention only a few
areas (this is not merely a stereotype). The talents should be used,
praised and celebrated.  (CROSS MINISTRY HAS UTILIZED THE TALENTS AND
EXPERTISE OF MANY SUCH MEN—WITH COMPUTERS, GRAPHIC DESIGN, ETC.)
 
Well informed mentors should understand that they need to be the initiators
in the relationship; that their mentees can experience a fear / panic
response to childhood masculinity wounds; and that they may respond to
these wounds defensively. This type of understanding will aid the mentor in
maintaining a positive and encouraging role through the turbulent episodes
of this challenging relationship.  (YOU SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW HOW AFFIRMING
YOU CAN BE BY TAKING INTEREST IN SUCH AN INDIVIDUAL.  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO
KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY ORPRETEND YOU DO.  AS THE SONG
SAYS “WHEN ANSWERS AREN’T ENOUGH, THERE IS JESUS.”)

Cross Ministry invites your thoughts on this article.  You can email them.

(A slightly different version of the article, without my observations, can
be found at http://www.narth.com/docs/donaldson.html)

Tim Wilkins, www.crossministry.org

"As Iron Sharpens Iron: Building Character in a Mentoring Relationship" by Howard Hendricks

"Daily Disciplines for the Christian Man, Promise Keepers Study Guides" by Bob Beltz

"A Life of Integrity" by Howard Hendricks

(see also: Men of Integrity - Recommended Books)