|Posted on November 1, 2014 at 11:40 AM|
Some people look at same-sex attractions only from the sexual side. If you forget the emotional aspect of them, you might get nowhere very fast. You will most likely try “not to do” something and give up with much frustration instead of finding out about that huge desire in you that yearns for love so much it hurts. It might realize that it’s looking for it at the wrong places, but this is all there is for now.
When I enrolled in Homosexual Anonymous’ online-program, I did that with little conviction. I kind of “stumbled” over H.A. and had never heard of such a thing before. Neither did the thought ever cross my mind that the state I was in had something to do with the way I lived my life or that somebody would seek not to live that way. But, be it like it was, I messed up big time and when I found out about this program, I thought why, you did it your way for so long and look at where you ended at. You might just as well give that new thing a try. And so I did.
Go to a weekly church service they suggested. Have you any idea of how long I had not been there? What the heck. I am the kind of person that is very result-oriented, so when I decided to register I thought I will do everything I can from my side to give it a real shot.
Read the Bible on a daily basis they said. I had never read the Bible just like that ever before, so that was kind of weird to me. But what the heck. Let’s go for it. Where to start? Psalms sounded good. And John. Wasn’t that the one Jesus loved? Sounded good enough for me. And to this day I believe that was the best choice I could ever take. Once you’ve been there, the pain expressed in some psalms take on a different meaning for you. You realize this guy had been where I had been. Likewise with John. There are the Gospels – and then there is John. The one who sort of drops out from the rest. The one who talks about love, light, darkness. I craved for that.
Read some useful literature they said. So I read my way through all that ex-gay literature. Don’t get me wrong – that is very useful and important.
And yet I forgot one thing. You might already guess it. I covered my spiritual side and the scientific knowledge of what this is all about – the reason.
Sounded alright for me. I knew now what was the right thing to do and to believe in – and why.
Well, that kind of worked for a while. That was easy, I thought. You just give up the sex stuff and BOOM you’re done. What’s all that fuzz about then?
Then one of my best friends came over from the USA to pay me a visit like many times before. Years ago we had sex with one another, but after we dropped that we stayed (or became) best friends.
To cut it short: We spent awesome days together here in Munich, Germany. I found my soul mate. Somebody who struck a cord that nobody else struck. I dreaded the day he had to leave.
One evening, we were in my apartment (thankfully he stayed at a hotel). He took place at a chair and myself at the couch. I asked him to come over and tried to sound as innocent as I could. He looked me in the eyes and asked “Why?” – and stayed where he was. We both knew why. Had he done it, I’d have probably gone for it. Yet, even though he still embraced the gay life himself, he loved me enough to respect my decision and protect me from myself.
Then came the day he had to fly back to the USA. I took him early in the morning to the train who went to the airport and afterwards went to my job.
The same day I had a business meeting outdoors. It was a cold and rainy November day.
I left the office and went to join the customers.
Almost there, I walked through an empty street and felt the rain on me. What I also felt were there tears streaming down my face.
I went into the doorway of a house nearby and collapsed.
There I was – knowing the truth in my mind, but it somehow hadn’t reached my heart yet. So while I was sobbing like a baby I told the Lord that I cannot stand this any longer and that I needed Him badly. This was eating me up and I did not know what to do. I needed someone in my life that filled that huge void in me. Whoever the Lord sent me, I would accept him.
Nothing happened. I pretended I was alright and kept on going, expecting to crush down anytime soon.
Then one day I got home from work and the phone rang. “Hi, my name is John”. I stood petrified. Without any further explanation I knew this was the one God sent me. And as I later learned, it was the same for John. Sort of the lame helping the blind to walk. John later said sometimes the Lord scans the earth to find two that go together well.
And the Lord continued to bring wonderful people into my life. André, Bill, Christian, Mark R., John O., John J., Doug, Mark E., and more. Men that showed me what a true friendship is all about and that sex actually kills it.
God also helped me mend all those broken relationships during the time where I left nothing but burnt earth behind me.
He showed me that I need not be alone just because I did not have a gay lover.
Many times after I came back to Him I struggled as I knew that my past life was not what brought me to where I wanted to go and yet had no idea of where the present way would lead me. I had to give up everything. That might sound like not a big deal for some, but this was all I had and all the people I knew. That helped me cope with my pain and giving it all up meant jumping off a cliff not knowing if someone would catch me. I had to give up things, behaviors and attitudes that were my security blanket. Once I even felt deep love for a man in my heart. I did not “go for it” and tried my utmost to stay on the right path (which I did, just for the record). I knew I had to give up this “love”, even though it tore me apart. It hurt like nothing before and I was a 100% sure I would not survive that – neither physically nor mentally or emotionally. But I hold on with the little faith that was left in my heart to God. Over and over again I heard very clearly a voice in my heart saying “I know that hurts. Will you still love me now?” And each time I said “Yes, I will still love you. It will kill me I suppose, but I will still love you”.
And God has been faithful. He led me out of this situation to true freedom like He led me out of so many valleys.
How could I ever deny my God that has always been good to me?
I will love Him no matter what.
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