Christian Ex-Gay Ministry

What Works? - In the Words of Our Members!

You would like to know what helps me against ssa: repeated praying makes me depressive (it is like mourning for me: like God can you help me). Sorry to tell this here but I should be honest. Reading the bible does not help me either. I have been knowing the Bible since I have been a very little child. I cannot relate the evangelium to my struggle. Maybe interpretations do help more for me but the rest is not logical to me why I should read Jesus resurrection or the marriage at Kanah which has nothing to do with my personal struggle.

Maybe you can explain that to me.

What helped me is changing my every-day life: changing many the tasks I am doing. Taking responsibility for my actions. Live a `grown-up`life. Understanding other mens´lives and motives and integrating those things in my life.

Realizing God's love for me and staying faithful to Jesus.

Aim high in life. Aim for a great education and a great job. I've noticed that the brothers who aimed high had to develop social skills that helped them with their struggle. Also aiming high in life ment that the brother is used to doing tough tasks. Thisvalso helped in therapy too since sometimes it involves tough painful tasks.

Everything from a humble prophetic word saying I had a heart after God to deliverance ministry (the quiet version) to Living waters, accountability partners & sheer will power to stay close to God..

Oh.. and Gods great love & grace towards me of course.

Hypersensitivity has to be addresses. It is the primary reason for the walls built around the psyche that impede normal relating which is essential for human flourishing. Being absolutely ruthless with myself when it came to persevering in physical exercise seemed to be a key in getting this hypersensitivity under control. If I can survive that horrible pain then surviving the slings and arrows of what others might think or do becomes a non-event.

Thanks for asking I think that homosexuality has roots in disfunctional way of relating to others especially to individuals of same sex. Often the first man we related to in wrong way  is our same sex parent.

As I have a relationship with Father God through His Son's death and ressurection, I am loveable enough(from God) to convert all my wrong relationships with other human beings into healthy and ballanced ones. This is because God gives me completion and love, I am not afraid of being abandoned from others,friends or relatives or parents, I am not afraid that people may not like me or use me. I am related to God's love and this gives me freedom to choose my relationships, to optimize them , not to give myself to others with no terms. Faith eliminates fear, and freedom is the key for healthy,ballanced relationships. 

Homosexual feelings get reduced and I fill my heart with the joy of having friends, having loving parents, gaining respect from men, connecting my manliness to other heterosexual men, this is the way that I build my new heterosexual identity.


The reason I left the "gay life" is because I love Jesus, my wife and kids, more than

to have a trick.  I believe the truth that Jesus could set me free and bring healing

to my unhealthy thinking and  be obedient to Him.

Also, the benefit from walking away from same sex attraction is a sense of freedom,

peace, and love that is unconditional.

To deal with and heal from guilt, shame and anxiety. With just these 3 things the people grow faster.

Will You Still Love Me Now?

Some people look at same-sex attractions only from the sexual side. If you forget the emotional aspect of them, you might get nowhere very fast. You will most likely try “not to do” something and give up with much frustration instead of finding out about that huge desire in you that yearns for love so much it hurts. It might realize that it’s looking for it at the wrong places, but this is all there is for now.

When I enrolled in Homosexual Anonymous’ online-program, I did that with little conviction. I kind of “stumbled” over H.A. and had never heard of such a thing before. Neither did the thought ever cross my mind that the state I was in had something to do with the way I lived my life or that somebody would seek not to live that way. But, be it like it was, I messed up big time and when I found out about this program, I thought why, you did it your way for so long and look at where you ended at. You might just as well give that new thing a try. And so I did.

Go to a weekly church service they suggested. Have you any idea of how long I had not been there? What the heck. I am the kind of person that is very result-oriented, so when I decided to register I thought I will do everything I can from my side to give it a real shot.

Read the Bible on a daily basis they said. I had never read the Bible just like that ever before, so that was kind of weird to me. But what the heck. Let’s go for it. Where to start? Psalms sounded good. And John. Wasn’t that the one Jesus loved? Sounded good enough for me. And to this day I believe that was the best choice I could ever take. Once you’ve been there, the pain expressed in some psalms take on a different meaning for you. You realize this guy had been where I had been. Likewise with John. There are the Gospels – and then there is John. The one who sort of drops out from the rest. The one who talks about love, light, darkness. I craved for that.

Read some useful literature they said. So I read my way through all that ex-gay literature. Don’t get me wrong – that is very useful and important.

And yet I forgot one thing. You might already guess it. I covered my spiritual side and the scientific knowledge of what this is all about – the reason.

Sounded alright for me. I knew now what was the right thing to do and to believe in – and why.

Well, that kind of worked for a while. That was easy, I thought. You just give up the sex stuff and BOOM you’re done. What’s all that fuzz about then?

Then one of my best friends came over from the USA to pay me a visit like many times before. Years ago we had sex with one another, but after we dropped that we stayed (or became) best friends.

To cut it short: We spent awesome days together here in Munich, Germany. I found my soul mate. Somebody who struck a cord that nobody else struck. I dreaded the day he had to leave.

One evening, we were in my apartment (thankfully he stayed at a hotel). He took place at a chair and myself at the couch. I asked him to come over and tried to sound as innocent as I could. He looked me in the eyes and asked “Why?” – and stayed where he was. We both knew why. Had he done it, I’d have probably gone for it. Yet, even though he still embraced the gay life himself, he loved me enough to respect my decision and protect me from myself.

Then came the day he had to fly back to the USA. I took him early in the morning to the train who went to the airport and afterwards went to my job.

The same day I had a business meeting outdoors. It was a cold and rainy November day.

I left the office and went to join the customers.

Almost there, I walked through an empty street and felt the rain on me. What I also felt were there tears streaming down my face.

I went into the doorway of a house nearby and collapsed.

There I was – knowing the truth in my mind, but it somehow hadn’t reached my heart yet. So while I was sobbing like a baby I told the Lord that I cannot stand this any longer and that I needed Him badly. This was eating me up and I did not know what to do. I needed someone in my life that filled that huge void in me. Whoever the Lord sent me, I would accept him.

Nothing happened. I pretended I was alright and kept on going, expecting to crush down anytime soon.

Then one day I got home from work and the phone rang. “Hi, my name is John”. I stood petrified. Without any further explanation I knew this was the one God sent me. And as I later learned, it was the same for John. Sort of the lame helping the blind to walk. John later said sometimes the Lord scans the earth to find two that go together well.

And the Lord continued to bring wonderful people into my life. André, Bill, Christian, Mark R., John O., John J., Doug, Mark E., and more. Men that showed me what a true friendship is all about and that sex actually kills it.

God also helped me mend all those broken relationships during the time where I left nothing but burnt earth behind me.

He showed me that I need not be alone just because I did not have a gay lover.

Many times after I came back to Him I struggled as I knew that my past life was not what brought me to where I wanted to go and yet had no idea of where the present way would lead me. I had to give up everything. That might sound like not a big deal for some, but this was all I had and all the people I knew. That helped me cope with my pain and giving it all up meant jumping off a cliff not knowing if someone would catch me. I had to give up things, behaviors and attitudes that were my security blanket. Once I even felt deep love for a man in my heart. I did not “go for it” and tried my utmost to stay on the right path (which I did, just for the record). I knew I had to give up this “love”, even though it tore me apart. It hurt like nothing before and I was a 100% sure I would not survive that – neither physically nor mentally or emotionally. But I hold on with the little faith that was left in my heart to God. Over and over again I heard very clearly a voice in my heart saying “I know that hurts. Will you still love me now?” And each time I said “Yes, I will still love you. It will kill me I suppose, but I will still love you”.

And God has been faithful. He led me out of this situation to true freedom like He led me out of so many valleys.

How could I ever deny my God that has always been good to me?

I will love Him no matter what.


What are the factors to be successful?

Learning the difference between what is right and what is wrong.

Being lost and then being found.

Sticking to your goals

Getting a new identity through Christ Our Savior

Accepting my manhood of my man self

Reading the good book. The Bible for instructions.

Learning we have a heavenly Father who watches over us


Changing your life style

A good support group


Having goals

Having faith

Having friends who encourage & support you

doing the steps

Reading the manual

Keeping away from people who do not support you

Praise & Worship


Congregating with fellow believers

Accepting your manhood

(From Y., one of our members)

6 Rules To Success - Arnold Schwarzenegger

This will give you a high voltage boost!

Posted by The Logical Indian on Donnerstag, 17. Juli 2014

Apart from the basic of christianity I would say:

(In particular order)

*Acceptance from others

*Support network of HA Tft, people I can really trust.

*Man-ing up to situations

* Affirmation from men, particularly in the context of male activities, eg sports

*Walking in forgiveness towards male members of my family. 

*Getting on with the Fathers Business, ie., serving others and sharing gospel. 

*Honesty with self and knowing my limits.

*Applying 12 steps.

These are some of the things that have helped me:

On the Spiritual Side


Reading the Lord  Set Me Free by ha. 

Started attending a support group

Reading Scriptures


Having  faith 

Learning and sharing what I had learned

Attending a  Church 

Accepting Yeshuah as my personal savior and the  One who died  for me at Calvary. John 3:16

Applying the Holy Scriptures to my  life 

Learned/learning the difference between right and wrong 

Started learning to love myself, others and Our Heavenly Father 

Started learning to be honest with self and others

Learned/learning how to forgive myself and others

Developed a beautiful relationship with Yeshuah, the Holy of Holiest. 

Depend on Him more than humans 

Read books like The Search For Significance

Went to Spiritual retreats for men

Heard testimonies about other men who had gone or were going through transformation 

Listened to Gospel, Praise and Worship & inspirational music 


On The Human Side 


Developing a positive attitude

Not giving up

Continued  working on my goal


Learning about my self

Getting new friends

Having new  friends who are supportive  


Got rid of porno 

Stopped doing drugs for the most part

Continued doing healthy activities like music, dancing, bike riding, gardening

Stopped going to the gay bars


Learned to have healthy relationships

broke up with my same sex lover

cut down on drinking 


learned self - control example no longer masturbate

learning to be conscious of my thoughts especially sexual thoughts 

learning to be non-judgmental towards self or others learning 

promoted  my new identity in Christ as a man 

identify myself as becoming a new man in Christ no longer gay identiD


Developed healthy relationships with people, family, others

Started learning new ways to behave 

Changing my behavior 

Learned to make better decisions 

Learned to be independent as well as interdependent on self and others. 

Started being hopeful

Started  being grateful

Started being thankful 

Developed  friendship with men who are not in ssa  life style  

What has worked?

---FOR ME--

1. Love God Fully, accept His Love daily, and demonstrate my Love for Him—faithfully.

2. Then, as a result, Love others fully by actively demonstrating that love thru me to them—Daily.

I have given this MUCH thought because of my analytical nature to test, try, and prove. As a result, I have come to understand that I spent too much time thinking about WORKING and ACTING, and less about truly  BELIEVING and BEING.

I had to come to the place where I accepted my identity because of  Christ, NOT because of what I had been led to believe, or convinced myself to believe….or could even do to change it.

“For as long as I could remember, 

I felt different from everyone else—especially peers.”    

This drove so much of my strife, stress, and striving!  

The thing that WORKED——that actually changed my beliefs and therefore my behaviors—was realizing that I was created personally and uniquely with gifts, talents, and abilities by God—who created me for a personal and unique purpose—for Him.   

I learned….

Attractions are part of our created make-up…….I had those.

And Visual attractions are highly keen in males…..I had that.


I was WAY sensitive as compared to my male counterparts.


My main divergent gifting/thinking was actually bring keenly sensitive.   

I sought the same sensitivity to no avail in males, but always found it readily, even prolifically available in females.   This began changing my belief system foundationally——and also my destructive self-talk.   That was the point it began to be solidified and confirmed by my male peers (and family members)—I changed.   Then, when I then experienced additional ridicule and isolation in church settings……I further began a Journey of resentment, anger, and justification.

What changed?


God impressed on me, personally--over time as I seriously sought to fully trust Him—that He wanted to use my long-identified bain of sensitivity to actually grow His Kingdom, bless others, and affirm my personal, unique place as an agent of His grace.

Because He demonstrated His love for me with the ultimate gift exchange——His death, for my life—-I could honestly and wholeheartedly embrace my unique gifting(s) to demonstrate His love for me to others.

The WORK that worked….FOR ME

……..was to truly align what I believed about myself in God with what I did.  Not unlike a familiar AA phrase “aligning my insides with my outsides.”

This Journey of clarification and discovering my true, called identity has released the gravitational pull and push of Grace in my life.  This also released —FOR ME—my self-imposed cycle of shame and guilt that so drove my spiral of acting out and using others.

Now the real question….


God has given me a new love, appreciation, and desire for my wife of 36 years.  

God has allowed me the freedom to honestly acknowledge my attractions, but now know I don't have to choose to feed the temptation with action. 

God has allowed me to meet some wonderful people that have been just as messed up as I was—and now understand—with me, how the masterpiece God created in me was influenced to become---or be treated---as a mess-up.

God is now allowing my sensitive nature to bridge the gap for many men in my life to better understand, appreciate, and love their wives.

It has also given me the courage to be honest with other brothers about my “hindrances” and they with me as we grow a community of encouragement, affirmation, support…..with full mutual rights to call out each other under Christ.   

The AMAZING thing is how it is STILL WORKING and growing in my life!!   I now get to see Him and experience Him daily.

This FOR ME is the continuing, successful WORKING......Authentically experiencing the Grace of God in flesh and blood that puts NO emphasis on manifesting behavior(s) of sin but on the unifying, freeing mutual realization that we are ALL BROKEN and act out of that brokenness—and GOD alone holds HEALING for BROKENESS!

Finally——FOR ME----because of my analytical nature to test, try, and prove,

I discovered that it was  less about me WORKING for fixing and acceptance in my own power, and more about daily BEING with God and then fully accepting and being accepted by others as a by-product of God's love and grace directing our lives.

Blessings and JOY in your personal and unique Journey, 

my world-wide brothers!

P. (TX)

Acceptance is number one... from God and trusted others.
Not to allow condemnation in is number two for me.... God loves me just as I am and I dont care what others may think.
Do not try to fix it myself ... let go and let God
Keep channels of support open
Live life regardless and do confuse spirituality with sexuality
Reach out to others


Great question, Rob!

My Journey to freedom from SSA has totally been attributed to my renewed and refined daily walk with Christ and then His providing me with wonderful Christian brothers, especially OSA brothers, who love me and accept me.....and then walking together with them in healthy honesty.

God is now using (intervening) so many wonderful resources such as this HA bulletin board group to keep connections strong and growing.

Really, finding and understanding my personal receptors for affection, attention, and affirmation have really given me a new outlook and acceptance of my Identity in Christ.  Information from many sources, HA, Living Hope, Setting Captives Free, and Biblical 12-Step have all combined to help me claim my original identity in Christ as a LOVED SON!    

The Journey continues.....but I no longer do it alone, and I am getting MUCH better embracing my full acceptance by Christ, rather than withdrawing or isolating.

The BIGGEST revelation to me is that my OSA brothers deal with so many of the same character faults as I do, they just choose different behavior manifestations to compensate or cover.     

The FUN part of my recent Journey is that as we are having rigorously honest conversations, we are finding that we are SO much more alike than we are different.....AND before the Cross.... WE ARE THE SAME!!!

Christ died to give me LIFE-----Living in Freedom Everyday.

I am sad at times that it took me so long to really claim it....but so THANKFUL!

Rob, that is the "WHAT" Question that is best answered by me with an "WHO" answer!     

Blessings and Grace....for this day, my brothers!

This is by far the most widely read and shared article I've ever written. As you might guess, it can be extremely...

Posted by Matt Moore on Donnerstag, 24. März 2016

“We have a choice in our response to failure. We can condemn or we can learn. All of us fail, but this doesn't mean that we are failures. We need to understand that failing can be a step toward maturity, not a permanent blot on our self-esteem...We don't have to allow failure to prevent us from being used by God.”

― Robert S. McGee

“Getting to the next level always requires ending something, leaving it behind, and moving on. Growth itself demands that we move on. Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.”
― Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

"In short, the important thing is to get started. No matter how; then there will be time to ask yourself where you are going."
Émile Chartier

Posted by Warriors of Christ on Montag, 2. November 2015
“Page 142: "When a spouse says to the alcoholic, "you need to go to AA," that is obviously not true. The addict feels no need to do that at all, and isn't. But when she says, "I am moving out and will be open to getting back together when you are getting treatment for your addiction," then all of a sudden the addict feels "I need to get some help or I am going to lose my marriage." The need has been transferred. It is the same with any kind of problematic behavior of a person who is not taking feedback and ownership. The need and drive to do something about it must be transferred to that person, and that is done through having consequences that finally make him feel the pain instead of others. When he feels the pain, he will feel the need to change...A plan that has hope is one that limits your exposure to the foolish person's issues and forces him to feel the consequences of his performance so that he might have hope of waking up and changing.”
― Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
“He is the Truth, and He wants us to deal in truth with ourselves and our loved ones. We want the truth about you and your family to flood into and overrun the secrets that keep you in bondage to dysfunctional behavior and relationships”
― Henry Cloud, Secrets of Your Family Tree: Healing for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

You are worth something! Don't let anybody tell you you are a good-for-nothing! Your potential is way beyond what you might possibly imagine! God gave you passions and emotions for a reason. Find out what you are passionate about - and go for it! Don't be scared to accept challenges on the way - they only help you grow. Whatever your life experiences may have been - you are loved so much by God He sent His only Son to die for YOU! Let that love fill your heart, grow in you and bear rich fruit. Pass it on to others. God told Adam it was not good for him to be alone. Neither is it for us. Seek the company of others. Life is not about following somebody else's plans, but the one God has set out for you by the way He designed you! Learning and growing does not simply mean passing on traditions and learning things others experienced by heart (that is how our school system works), but helping light the fire in us that brought forth all cultural and technical development. You are never too old to study and grow, neither do you lack the talent for it. All it takes is for you to fell the love - His love - and accept this adventure called life!

“The more Christ fulfills the cravings of our souls, the more he changes our taste capacities from the inside out. The more we walk with him, the more we want him. The more we taste of him, the more we enjoy him. And this transforms how we live and what we live for.”

― David Platt, What Did Jesus Really Mean When He Said Follow Me? 

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

“What a waste to attempt to change behavior without truly understanding the driving needs that cause such behavior!”

― Robert S. McGee, The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes

Why is the only condition we have on someone whbo wants to join Homosexuals Anonymous the will to be free? Because without it everything else would be futile. You have to know what you want and you have  to really want it. You need a passion to go for your goal, no matter what. If there are no emotions involved and you try to reach a goal simply through a change of cognitive thinking patterns, or because someone else wants you to and you have not the slightest wish to do so, this only become negative stress for you. It is all about how you see and evaluate this goal of being free of same-sex attractions and the way that leads to that. For some it is a drag, a pain in the butt. For others the same tools are an exciting challenge.

Think about it.


“Because of justification, you are completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God. You no longer have to fear failure.     2. Because of reconciliation, you are totally accepted by God. You no longer have to fear rejection.     3. Because of propitiation, you are deeply loved by God. You no longer have to fear punishment, nor do you have to punish others.     4. Because of regeneration, you have been made brand-new, complete in Christ. You no longer need to experience the pain of shame.”

― Robert S. McGee, The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes

“God's solution for "I can't live that way anymore" is basically, "Good! Don't live that way anymore. Set firm limits against evil behavior that are designed to promote change and redemption. Get the love and support you need from other places to take the kind of stance that I do to help redeem relationship. Suffer long, but suffer in the right way." And when done God's way, chances are much better for redemption.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries in Marriage
“When we ask we are owning our needs. Asking for love, comfort or understanding is a transaction between two people. You are saying: I have a need. It's not your problem. It's not your responsibility. You don't have to respond, but I'd like something from you.
This frees the other person to connect with you freely and without obligation. When we own that our needs are our responsibility we allow others to love us because we have something to offer. Asking is a far cry from demanding. When we demand love, we destroy it.”
― Henry Cloud
“If you continue to blame other people for “making” you feel guilty, they still have power over you, and you are saying that you will only feel good when they stop doing that. You are giving them control over your life. Stop blaming other people.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

― Ernest Hemingway

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
― Ernest Hemingway

“Unless you are willing to do the ridiculous, God will not do the miraculous. When you have God, you don’t have to know everything about it; you just do it.”

― Mother Angelica

“Never put a lid on God. You can give God a thimble and ask for a quart. It won't work. Your plans, your projects, your dreams have to always be bigger than you, so God has room to operate. I want you to get good ideas, crazy ideas, extravagant ideas. Nothing is too much for The Lord to do - accent on 'The Lord'.”

― Mother Angelica