We can't solve a problem with the same thinking that created them - Albert Einstein— Hezi (@hezist) March 22, 2013
Freedom from Same-Sex Attractions
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I have lost track of the times I have tried to change. Of the times I repented, only to fall again. I'm sure is more than one reason for that. Here are a few:
1) I give up too easily. Not just on this issue, but across the board.
2) I have never had the right view of God, nor believed enough in His love
3) I got too focused on the gay issue, and it isn't the main issue - the main issue is getting the right relationship with God.
There may be others, but those are forefront in my mind when I look at how terribly I have done in this area. Another one has come to mind after something my friend said recently. I don't realize what deliverance looks like.
I wish God would just remove the desires and temptations, but He doesn't, but that pretty much is the case with any sin. The thing is, the devil fights unfairly, and he knows what areas are weak for us, and just because we want to give up a sin, doesn't mean he will stop tempting us to do it with all he has got. I know there is a wide range of opinion on Christians drinking alcoholic beverages. I still believe it is something Christians should not do, but unless they are getting drunk and hanging out in bars, I'm not going to condemn them for it, but for me, it is wrong. Oddly enough though, its not a temptation to drink, or to smoke. Why? Because I'm not even interested in doing so. But porn, lusting after other guys, sex with other guys....... I am all too interested in doing so, so even when I am trying to serve God, the devil is going to tempt me in that area, because I am weak there and have fallen many times before. Alcohol, smoking, even drugs? No contest, no weakness, no temptation.
I have been guilty of giving in to temptation too easily. Oh, there were times I fought it harder than others, but overall, I gave in too easily, didn't try for the "way of escape." A large part of that, I believe, is because in my eyes, I wasn't delivered. If I was, it wouldn't be so hard to fight it, yet that is why it is temptation..... guess I don't always think about these things enough.
The tough reality is that I will most likely be attracted to other guys for the rest of my life. I will most likely be tempted to lust, use porn, and have sex with other guys for the rest of my life. It sounds daunting and discouraging, but if it wasn't that, it would be something else. The devil fights us all with something, and though mine seems bigger and more difficult than a lot of things, I'm sure there are worse things.
I am becoming more and more convinced that the answer lies in having a real relationship with God, something I didn‘t have for most of my life. The closer relationship I have with God, the more delivered I will be.
Men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions often meet in local or online groups, seek out therapists and get all those wonderful resources out there. All good and nice. Nothing to be said against that. And yet, you have some who keep on telling you they’ve tried “everything” and “nothing” worked so far. Oh really. After years and years of dealing with those folks that I love with all of my heart, here some points to ponder (or better: kicks in the butt):
- So you’ve tried everything. Did ya. Usually, a closer look reveals that they tried nothing for real. They might show up at one or two meetings, or order a book – and this is it. If you want to succeed, however, you need perseverance and a high stress and frustration tolerance. You need to be able to set yourself a goal and go for it – no matter how long it takes and how hard it will be. If you are not willing to do that, don’t blame it on the group, the people there, the program, the genes, your past, your parents or whomever else then. Your just a quitter looking for lame excuses.
- In many cases, self-pity is both a symptom and part of the cause of same-sex attractions. A baby that does not perceive himself or herself to be loved will start pitying himself/herself in order to get some love this way. A really tragic and sad thing to happen. This will take on till he or she is grown up, if nothing will be done against it. Usually, the individual does not even realize that. Other people start getting ticked off by the constant whining and complaining and think he or she is a wimp or worse. So if you struggle with that and already realized it, do something against it. Stop the whining. Stand up and fight! Learn to love and enjoy life and start working on your masculine/feminine identity. But PLEASE stop the whining! Whining is the easy way out in struggle. You see yourself as the poor and helpless victim. Take responsibility for your own life and act like a man/woman! There is no shame in being scared, but there is if you let your fear overcome you!
- Go for results. General bla-bla won’t get you far. Set yourself big goals (they really can’t be too big!), cut them in little goals and start making plans. Example: Instead of saying, “I will try to become a better person” (which is nothing else but a wishy-washy statement that will never lead to anything!), make your goal measurable and hold yourself accountable: “Until next Friday I will contact the volunteer program in our church and ask if I can join them in building houses for the poor. And I will tell Bill about it.” Like that you have a fix date, a measurable goal and someone that will hold you accountable.
- If you are a follower of Jesus (or Jew, Muslim – whatever), show that your faith is for real. Stop begging God to take “it” away from you – while comfortably leaning back doing nothing and waiting for God to do “His” job. Yes, God is a gracious and loving Father – and much like a worldly father who teaches his little son how to ride a bike, the Lord will teach you: Jesus died for you on the cross so you can be free – so the power of sin is already broken! You ARE free and the only thing that hinders you in realizing that is your lack of belief! As to your recovery in all other realms (like your family history, your emotions, identity questions, possible emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse or whatever else), He will teach you how to do it – but you need to trust Him and walk His path! Stop holding yourself back with lame excuses and finally trust Him! Even if bad things should happen, you know then that you are never alone! Let His love overflow you so you will become radiant with this love and joy! If we don’t have something to be joyful about, then who should?
- No man is an island. Neither are you. You grow in and through the company with others – so you should give something back and help others with unwanted same-sex attractions. This means accepting responsibility on a long-term basis. You won’t help anybody when you only show up somewhere when you feel like it. You might be (or feel) “different”. That is not a bad thing in and of itself. Let this “being different” become a blessing for others! Find out about your gifts and talents and use them for God’s glory!
- And last but not least: Get structure and discipline in all areas of your life: sexually, financially, healthwise, emotionally, relationally, socially, spiritually etc. Get yourself motivated each and every day by setting up a structure plan. Start your day by putting on your spiritual armor through prayer and Bible study and then throw yourself into the great and unbelievable adventure called life. Don’t waste it by shying back. Stand up and be the one God called you for! There is no victory in whining and complaining and finding a good excuse to reject all help and remaining a passive victim for good. There is no victory in blaming others for your inability to get your own stuff in order. There is no victory in begging God for what He already gave you, but what you continue to run away from: Complete freedom! What are you so afraid of? That you might really be free someday and be responsible for your own life? That through acting like a man/woman you might finally become one? That you might grow up to become and adult? Get your butt up and learn how to fly!!
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We must not believe the Evil One when he tells us that there is nothing we can do in the face of violence, injustice and sin.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) March 24, 2013