Jason

Christian Ex-Gay Ministry

Erfolgsfaktoren

www.dr-richi.com

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Erfolgsfaktoren - Success Principles

Wie steht's mit Fachleuten? Haben Therapeuten, die einer Veränderung positiv gegenüber stehen, einige Faktoren gefunden, die die Wahrscheinlichkeit für einen Erfolg erhöhen?

Ja. Auch hier hat der bedeutendste Faktor mit der Motivation zu tun. Untersuchungen haben einen engen Zusammenhang zwischen der unerschütterlichen Motivation einer Person und des Ergebnisses festgestellt. Sogar Dr. Robert Spitzer, der ursprünglich dafür war, Homosexualität von der Liste der psychischen Störungen zu nehmen, fand diesen Erfolgsfaktor.

Wenige jedoch haben so viel Erfahrung wie Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. Er hat mit über 1.000 Männern gearbeitet und ist Präsident der National Association for the Research and Treatment of Homosexuality (NARTH). Seine Erfolgsfaktoren:

1)  Sich nicht vom Selbstmitleid besiegen lassen.
2)  Eine positive Selbst-Wahrnehmung als Teil einer heterosexuellen Gesellschaft.
3)  Stress- und Frustrationstoleranz.
4)  Heterosexuelle Fantasien und Träume.
5)  Starke Familienbande.
6)  Ein traditionelles Wertesystem.
7)  Die Fähigkeit, impulsiven Verhalten zu widerstehen und "Belohnung" oder "Befriedigung" hinauszuschieben.
8)  Die Fähigkeit, sich Ziele zu setzen.
9)  Die Fähigkeit, über vergangene Erfahrungen nachzudenken, sie in Worte zu fassen und daraus zu lernen.
10) Bessere Prognosen haben auch Männer, die sexuell weniger aktiv waren (sexuelles Verhalten beeinflusst die Gewohnheiten!)
11) Geduld mit sich selbst.
12) Akzeptanz der langen Dauer des Kampfes.

Bete und bitte den Herrn, dir diese Fähigkeiten zu geben!

 


"Noch ist keine Versuchung über euch gekommen, die den Menschen Überfordert. Gott ist treu; er wird nicht zulassen, dass ihr über eure Kraft hinaus versucht werdet. Er wird euch in der Versuchung einen Ausweg schaffen, sodass ihr bestehen könnt."
1 Korinther 10:13 Einheitsübersetzung

 

 

"Eines der ersten Dinge, die man einem Mann oder einer Frau sagen sollte, die Angst haben, es gäbe keine Hoffnung auf Heilung seiner oder ihrer Geschlechts-Verwirrung, ist, ihm bzw. ihr zu versichern, dass es genau genommen gar keinen Schwulen oder Lesbe gibt. Es gibt nur eine Person (wie schrecklich!), geschaffen als Abbild Gottes – eine Person, die von einem lebenswichtigen Teil von sich selbst abgeschnitten wurde. Gott hilft uns mit Freude, diesen verlorenen Teil wieder zu finden, ihn zu bekräftigen und zu segnen.“ (Leanne Payne, The Healing of the Homosexual)

 

 

Ich habe mich gerade entschieden, die Homosexualität hinter mich zu lassen. Was muss ich wissen? Was kann man im Leben derer beobachten, die erfolgreich waren?

Es soll nicht verschwiegen werden: Die Homosexualität zu verlassen ist nicht leicht. Viele homosexuelle Männer und Frauen beginnen den Heilungsprozess - um dann wieder aufzuhören, wenn es zu "hart" wird. Nach der ersten großen Euphorie sitzt man dann schnell als ein Häufchen Elend da: man vermisst die schwulen (lesbischen) Freunde, fühlt sich alleine, die gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen sind immer noch da, kurz: man scheint keinen Fortschritt zu machen.

Vollgestopft mit Selbstmitleid und ständig auf sich selbst konzentriert will man alles. Man will es jetzt - und man will es, ohne viel dafür tun zu müssen.

Aber: Als Faustformel kann man sagen: je länger man diesen Neigungen bereits nachgegeben hat, desto schwieriger und länger wird die Heilung.

 

 

Hier nun die TOP FIVE - die wichtigsten Erfolgsfaktoren derer, die es geschafft haben:


Die richtige Motivation. Die richtige Einstellung: "Egal, was geschieht!" Du musst die Veränderung verzweifelt wollen - egal, wie schmerzvoll der Prozess ist und wie lange er dauert. Das Christentum ist eine Religion für Verzweifelte. Lesen wir Markus 5: 24-29: "Da ging Jesus mit ihm. Viele Menschen folgten ihm und drängten sich um ihn. Darunter war eine Frau, die schon zwölf Jahre an Blutungen litt. Sie war von vielen Ärzten behandelt worden und hatte dabei sehr zu leiden; ihr ganzes Vermögen hatte sie ausgegeben, aber es hatte ihr nichts genutzt, sondern ihr Zustand war immer schlimmer geworden. Sie hatte von Jesus gehört. Nun drängte sie sich in der Menge von hinten an ihn heran und berührte sein Gewand. Denn sie sagte sich: Wenn ich auch nur sein Gewand berühre, werde ich geheilt. Sofort hörte die Blutung auf und sie spürte deutlich, dass sie von ihrem Leiden geheilt war." Diese Frau war mit Sicherheit verzweifelt, aber ihr Glaube hat ihr geholfen. Deshalb: egal, was geschieht: mache weiter. Vertraue Gott. Glaube an seine heilende Kraft! Siehe auf Jesus - nicht auf deine Sünde! Lasse deine früheren homosexuellen Freunde nur lachen - du tust es für Jesus!
Ein neues Ziel. Das einzige Ziel, das dich zu eben genannter Ausdauer bringen kann: Gehorsam. Wenn du dich darauf konzentrierst, heterosexuell zu werden anstatt gehorsam zu sein, ist die Chance, dass du scheitern wirst, sehr hoch. Das Gegenteil von Homosexualität ist nicht Heterosexualität - es ist "Heiligkeit": Jesus nachzufolgen, so wie Er werden zu wollen. DANN werden die Begierden des Fleisches wegfallen und wir werden eine unerkannte Freiheit erleben. Eine Freiheit, die für EINIGE auch heterosexuelle Sehnsüchte umfasst.
Andere Beziehungen. "Gesunde Beziehungen" ist hier das Schlüsselwort, v.a. was offene, ehrliche und starke Rechenschaftsablegung betrifft. In Jakobus 5:16 lesen wir: "Darum bekennt einander eure Sünden und betet füreinander, damit ihr geheiligt werdet. Viel vermag das inständige Gebet eines Gerechten." Beichte fördert den Heilungsprozess und bringt unsere Schwächen ans Licht - egal wie beschämt und verängstigt wir uns fühlen. Vergiss nicht: unser Gott ist ein Gott, der Sünden vergibt, wenn wir sie beichten. Er verdammt uns nicht dafür.
Verpflichtung zum Handeln. Sagst du deinen Ängsten den Kampf an oder wartest du ab, bis dir die Heilung auf einem silbernen Tablett präsentiert wird? Liest du hilfreiche Literatur? Liest du Gottes Wort? Zum Beispiel 2 Petrus 1:3-13 (Einheitsübersetzung): "Alles, was für unser Leben und unsere Frömmigkeit gut ist, hat seine göttliche Macht uns geschenkt; sie hat uns den erkennen lassen, der uns durch seine Herrlichkeit und Kraft berufen hat. Durch sie wurden uns die kostbaren und überaus großen Verheißungen geschenkt, damit ihr der verderblichen Begierde, die in der Welt herrscht, entflieht und an der göttlichen Natur Anteil erhaltet. Darum setzt allen Eifer daran, mit eurem Glauben die Tugend zu verbinden, mit der Tugend die Erkenntnis, mit der Erkenntnis die Selbstbeherrschung, mit der Selbstbeherrschung die Ausdauer, mit der Ausdauer die Frömmigkeit, mit der Frömmigkeit die Brüderlichkeit und mit der Brüderlichkeit die Liebe. Wenn dies alles bei euch vorhanden ist und wächst, dann nimmt es euch die Trägheit und Unfruchtbarkeit, sodass ihr Jesus Christus, unseren Herrn, immer tiefer erkennt. Wem dies aber fehlt, der ist blind und kurzsichtig; er hat vergessen, dass er gereinigt worden ist von seinen früheren Sünden. Deshalb, meine Brüder, bemüht euch noch mehr darum, dass eure Berufung und Erwählung Bestand hat. Wenn ihr das tut, werdet ihr niemals scheitern. Dann wird euch in reichem Maß gewährt, in das ewige Reich unseres Herrn und Retters Jesus Christus einzutreten."

Eine andere Leidenschaft. Wenn du Homosexualität - oder jeden anderen sündhaften Lebensstil - überwinden willst, muss die Leidenschaft in deinem Herzen Jesus sein, zu tun, was Ihm gefällt. "Leide mit ir als guter Soldat Christi Jesu. Keiner, der in den Krieg zieht, lässt sich in Alltagsgeschäfte verwickeln, denn er will, dass sein Heerführer mit ihm zufrieden ist." 2 Timotheus 2:3-4.

 

 

Ich habe gerade erst mit der Therapie begonnen. Welches Programm ist am erfolgreichsten?


Die angebotenen Programme sind so unterschiedlich wie die Menschen, die Hilfe suchen.

Grundsätzlich ist zu einem Bündel von Maßnahmen und Programmen zu raten.

Es ist auf jeden Fall wichtig, Seminare zu besuchen, mehrwöchige Kurse, Einzelberatungen in Anspruch zu nehmen, Literatur zu lesen usw. All das ist wichtig, um zu verstehen, warum man dieses Problem hat und welche Möglichkeiten es gibt, es zu überwinden. Ebenso um den theologischen Hintergrund zu erfassen.

All dies erreicht aber nur den Kopf - den Verstand. Theoretisch weiß man dann zwar alles, das allein wird aber wohl kaum jemanden zur Heilung verhelfen. Nicht selten kommen die Menschen aus o.g. Programmen und haben das Gefühl, sie wissen zwar nun eine Menge, aber geholfen hat es ihnen gar nichts.

Betrachtet man die Wurzeln von Homosexualität, wird sehr schnell klar, dass es vor allem emotionale Bedürfnisse sind, die befriedigt werden müssen, sowie alte Wunden, die noch immer nicht geheilt sind oder von neuem aufbrechen. Dafür bedarf es Selbsthifegruppen sowie gesunder Beziehungen, die helfen, die legitmen Bedürfnisse nach gleichgeschlechtlicher Wärme und Nähe, die man meist in der Kindheit nicht erfahren hat, auf die richtige Weise zu befriedigen. Ebenso braucht man "Vorbilder", die einem dabei helfen, ein richtiger Mann (eine richtige Frau) zu werden. All dies läuft vorwiegend auf emotionaler Ebene.

Überaus wichtig aber auch: ein strukturiertes, diszipliniere Leben (siehe "The Game Plan" von Joe Dallas).

Nochmals: du musst die Heilung wollen - koste es, was es wolle. Egal, wie lange es dauern und wie schmerzhaft es sein wird. Und: Kein Prozess und keine Technik ist wichtiger als ein Herz, das gehorsam und ergeben gegenüber Gott ist.

 

 


Wichtige Punkte deiner Therapie sind also:

1)  Ein strukturiertes, disziplinertes Leben.
2)  Tägliches Bibellesen und Gebet frühmorgens, gefolgt von Motivationstraining (siehe: "The Game Plan" von Joe Dallas).
3)  Selbsthilfegruppen.
4)  Seminare.
5)  Regelmäßge Gespräche mit deinem Pastor.
6)  Starke Familienbande.
7)  Gesunde gleichgeschlechtliche Beziehungen.
8)  Christliche Seelsorger oder Therapeuten (Einzelberatung).
9)  Hilfreiche Literatur.
10) Reduzierung von Reizen, die einen sexuell stimulieren (wichtig: Vorsorgemaßnahmen treffen, damit man gar nicht in Versuchung kommt!).
11) Konsequente Überprüfung des eigenen Lebensstils, der Beziehungen und Gewohnheiten, ob diese hilfreich für das Therapieziel sind.
12) Bei ernsthaften emotionalen Problemen der Gang zum Facharzt.
13) Aktive Teilnahme am Gemeindeleben.
14) Ein Plan für den Fall, dass man fällt (sexuell in unangemessener Weise aktiv wird).
15) Für die emotionale Stabilität sind letztlich auch Ruhe- und Erholungsphasen wichtig.
16) Last but not least: Beten!

Grundsätzlich wird sehr empfohlen, das meiste o.g. Punkte im Rahmen von Ex-Gay Ministries zu machen (Adressen gibt es genügend auf dieser Homepage)!

 


Wenn du zu einem Seelsorger, Psychotherapeuten oder Psychiater gehst, kläre vorher folgende Punkte:

- Wie vielen Menschen mit gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen hat er/sie bereits geholfen?
- Ist er/sie Christ?
- Wie denkt er/sie über gleichgeschlechtliche Neigungen, ihre Ursachen, den Heilungsprozess?
- Entspricht seine/ihre Einstellung nicht der Meinung der Bibel: suche dir jemand anderes!

Manche Gruppen oder Therapeuten haben eine eher klinische Herangehensweise, andere eine eher biblische, Keine Methode ist "besser" als die andere.

Nochmals: Keinesfalls aber darf die Gruppe oder der Therapeut im Konflikt mit der Bibel sein!!

 


(Quelle: u.a. Joe Dallas, Dr. Joseph Niccolosi)

 

Wegweiser Gottesdienst

"If you go to a tree with an ax and take five whacks at the tree every day, it doesn't matter if it's an oak or a redwood; eventually the tree has to fall down."

Jack Canfield

6 Rules To Success - Arnold Schwarzenegger

This will give you a high voltage boost!

Posted by The Logical Indian on Donnerstag, 17. Juli 2014


What are the factors to be successful?


Learning the difference between what is right and what is wrong.

Being lost and then being found.

Sticking to your goals

Getting a new identity through Christ Our Savior

Accepting my manhood of my man self

Reading the good book. The Bible for instructions.

Learning we have a heavenly Father who watches over us

Repentance

Changing your life style

A good support group

Prayer

Having goals

Having faith

Having friends who encourage & support you

doing the steps

Reading the manual

Keeping away from people who do not support you

Praise & Worship

Fasting

Congregating with fellow believers

Accepting your manhood

(From Y., one of our members)


"Write your goals down in detail and read your list of goals every day. Some goals may entail a list of shorter goals. Losing a lot of weight, for example, should include mini-goals, such as 10-pound milestones. This will keep your subconscious mind focused on what you want step by step."

Jack Canfield

"Working with people from all walks of life, from full-time moms to CEOs at large companies, I've distilled many universal truths about success. There's a secret I've learned that works quite well at helping you to achieve what you want: Decide what you want."

Jack Canfield

"Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them."

Jack Canfield

Go big! There is nothing I dislike more than passive people that are constantly whining and pitying themselves and put the blame for their miserable life on others. People that have no fire or dreams and visions inside, that wait for others to provide for them and pull them out of the mud. What a life is that. Dare to go for the alternative: Life is a daily adventure. Go big! Dream big! Your dreams and visions should never bee too low. What's the point if you have a tiny goal and reach it - as opposed to having a huge goal and reaching "only" fifty percent of it - which is still way beyond option #1. Stop pitying yourself. If you keep on blaming others for what's going wrong in your life, there will never be any change or progress. You canl only change yourself. Other people usually are beyond your reach and responsability. Have visions! See yourself standing on top with the medal around your neck! Get the feeling for it and act as if you already have it! Don't be shy asking others for help. Most of all: Go new ways. Things will never change if you always do what you've always done. Don't be a copy of somebody else as everyone around you is already taken. Find your own way and learn to think and act completely different from everybody else! God has provided each one of us with passions and talents. Go for it! What do you have to loose - as opposed to the many things you could gain! And if you stumble and fall on your butt, get up again! There is nothing wrong with falling, but a lot with staying on the floor! Get into the ring and become a fighter! God needs courageous men and women who know what they want and are willing to give it their all to get it! Go big -and go now!!

Robert

ESV Audio Widget

Psalm 40:1-6


"By taking the time to stop and appreciate who you are and what you've achieved - and perhaps learned through a few mistakes, stumbles and losses - you actually can enhance everything about you. Self-acknowledgment and appreciation are what give you the insights and awareness to move forward toward higher goals and accomplishments."

Jack Canfield


Who Succeeds at Change in Therapy?
Author / Contributor :: Matheson, David (Posted June 2008)

David Matheson, Licensed Professional Counselor in Utah, writes:

In the years I've been working as a reparative therapist, I've noticed some common tendencies among men who are successful in diminishing homosexuality as well as some commonalties among those who are unsuccessful. Please keep in mind that these are impressions and not the results of a study. Most of my impressions are from men who are (or have been) in therapy. I have not had occasion over the past few years to closely observe men who are not in therapy. But I believe that much of what I've written below would apply equally, if not more so, to men who choose not to engage in therapy.

In general, I believe success in this (or any) therapy process can be attributed to a single, simple principle: People spontaneously change for the better when they let go of their resistance to change. In other words, to change is natural if we can just get out of the way and let it happen. Of course, the problem with this is that men dealing with homosexuality typically have so much in the way that unblocking the natural change process can be like removing the Hoover Dam.

The tendencies I've written about below can all be seen in the context of resistance. That is, these are all barriers that people unconsciously erect in their lives to prevent change. Often, these barriers are unintentional and occasionally they may even be unavoidable. The stronger and more ingrained the pattern of resistance is--and the less aware the person is that the pattern is actually resistance--the less success the person will have in changing. I'm not sure that understanding the reasons for the resistance is that important.

Resistance may come from reticence to give up physical pleasure, discomfort with painful emotions that have to be faced, or simply fear of change. But regardless of what is causing the resistance, the resistance must be overcome or progress will be hampered.

I've divided these resistant tendencies into four different areas: life situation, unwillingness to invest, unwillingness to risk, and living as a victim. I've first listed the tendencies common among unsuccessful clients, then I've contrasted them with the approach taken by successful clients.

Life Situation

Extreme stress or commitments due to work, family, school, or church demands.
Successful clients prioritize and eliminate from their schedule things that get in the way of what is most important.

A chaotic life that doesn't allow for a regular, ongoing therapy process.
The chaos may be due to factors such as finances, work schedule, transportation problems, illness of self or family members, etc. Successful clients find ways to surmount or minimize chaos that occurs in their lives in order to allow the therapeutic process to continue.

Unwillingness to Invest

Not taking the problem seriously, as expressed in statements like, "I don't need therapy," "I don't need group," or "It's too expensive."
Successful clients recognize the seriousness of their situation and willingly do whatever is necessary to bring about change.

Ambivalence about committing to change, as expressed in statements like, "I want to change, but right now I need this boyfriend."
Successful clients are willing to let go of whatever leads them away from their goal. That willingness may not be there all at once, but successful clients continue to push themselves toward it.

False dependency on faith and spirituality without doing the psychological and emotional work necessary to bring about change.
At its roots, homosexuality is NOT a spiritual problem. Spiritual problems develop when homosexual behavior is engaged in. But to begin with, same-sex attraction is a developmental arrest that is psychological in nature. Spirituality alone will not change homosexuality! This is why we so often hear the complaint, "I prayed for years and the Lord never took this problem away."

Successful clients wisely ask for God's help with SPECIFIC needs, praying for opportunities that are needed, and allowing the Spirit to comfort and sustain them. Yet they never shift the burden of responsibility onto the Lord.

Unwillingness to Risk

Sacrificing authenticity for comfort, as expressed in statements like, "I can't do this, it's too uncomfortable."
Unsuccessful clients get overwhelmed by their own emotions and withdraw from therapy. Successful clients willingly face their fears both internally (hurtful emotions) and externally (frightening relationships and situations). This is one of the main factors separating successful from unsuccessful clients.

Feeling such shame over your struggles that you refuse to be open with others about what you are going through.
This is often expressed in statements like, "I can't tell anyone about me," or "I have to work through this alone so that no one ever finds out." Successful clients open themselves to other people and ask for help.

A rigid approach to life, which prevents you from going beyond previous limitations, seeing new perspectives, doing new things, exploring new ways of thinking and living, and doing things you've never done before.
Successful clients are open to the possibility of change in every aspect of their lives.

Living as a Victim

Passivity, as manifested in statements like, "I don't know what to do," or "I just don't think I can change."
This is also manifested as a tendency to NOT seek out help, or to be very narrow in the therapeutic activities you pursue. Perhaps you go to group meetings occasionally, but you essentially keep yourself ignorant of other opportunities. Successful clients take the responsibility for their change process and seek out every source of information and help available, such as individual and group therapy, straight male friendships, New Warriors participation, activity in a church, etc.

Being a "help-rejecting complainer."
These are individuals who are constantly complaining about the problems they face, and yet when help is offered they immediately come up with reasons why each suggestion won't work for them. Or they may half-heartedly try the suggestion just long enough to prove its ineffectiveness. Successful clients are willing to go outside the comfort of their complaints and actually try to solve their problems.


"I believe that people make their own luck by great preparation and good strategy."

Jack Canfield

ESVAudio Widget

Isaiah 40:31

"I generally find that comparison is the fast track to unhappiness. No one ever compares themselves to someone else and comes out even. Nine times out of ten, we compare ourselves to people who are somehow better than us and end up feeling more inadequate."

Jack Canfield

What I Have Learned

This is a letter D. wrote to us after having been in a Homosexuals Anonymous online-group for quite some time:



What I have Learned

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

 
I have exercised a lot of self control for about six weeks and now in the past two weeks I have been inundated with knowledge.  Some of it is encouraging and some of it depressing.
 
My wife's hurt and pain at my hands has been far greater than I realized.  Some of that hurt may not ever heal.  What healing will happen will take a long time.
 
I have learned that I am a sexual addict, that I have used sex like a drug to escape, that escape has caused shame and separation from emotional connection with others, which has created an intense need to escape which has led to a vicious cycle.
 
I have learned that porn is a false intimacy without the risk of real relationship.
 
I have learned that the appeal of risk free false intimacy comes out of a deep self loathing and an expectation of rejection and abandonment and that these expectations flow out of my interpretive memory of and lessons of my infancy and childhood.
 
I have learned that I have traded real intimacy with real people for false intimacy in the form of fantasy or porn or masturbation.
 
I have learned that the bible likens that to storing water is leaky cisterns.
 
I have learned that only Jesus can give me living water that satisfies.
 
I have learned that my emotional dependency is not an issue that originates in my father but in my mother.
 
I have learned that many of the things I am upset with my father about were decisions participated in by my mother.
 
I have learned that I have mother as well as father hunger.
 
I have learned that the emotional issues are going to be harder to deal with than the sexual issues.
 
I have learned that what I have done with friends is classical emotional dependence, it is destructive, selfish, manipulative, and just really really wrong.
 
I have learned it is a compulsion that is driven both psychologically and spiritually and I don't have a chance of overcoming it on my own.
 
I have learned that I may have strong sexual drive toward men for the rest of my life and may have to work really hard at controlling those urges and my lust for the rest of my life.
 
I have learned that I may have this deep need for someone (male) to love me (non sexually)for the rest of my life and as a result have to work hard to keep relationships balanced for the rest of my life.

 
I learned from my reaction to the testimony of one of the guys at group that if I had ever been offered an emotionally close friendship with someone and then that someone then wanted more, that I probably could not have resisted.
 
I have learned that I long for that kind of emotionally close friendship where another guy pursues me.
I have learned that I am a narcissist - that I want someone to worship me - and that I am sexually drawn to a person who looks a great deal like I looked at 18 - except for higher percentages of muscle to body fat and larger endowments.  That may simply be the result of watching porn and seeking out idealized versions of myself.
 
I have learned that I am deeply sensitive to the idea of rejection by any of the guys at group, far more than I would have imagined.  I think this is deeply rooted in my desire to be emotionally dependent on another - to hand over to another power over my own sense of well being.  To have someone be my mommy and hold and protect me and love me unconditionally.
 
I have learned from the above that I long to be emotionally dependent on someone.
 
I have learned that emotional dependence is arrested development much like homosexuality is but instead of arresting development at five or six or ten that it is arrested at about two with the kind of trust a child is supposed to learn from the mother never learned and so is infinitely more difficult to overcome.
 
I have learned that what I really so intensely desire and truly need is a legitimate need - an emotional connection, intimacy with others, and that this is going to be really difficult.  I need close satisfying healthy relationships in order to heal but I currently cant experience a relationship that is close enough to be satisfying and yet is still healthy. 
 
I have learned that there is a constant conflict in me between defensive detachment and emotional dependency.  The former creates walls between me and others to protect me from being hurt while the latter causes me to abandon my autonomy and seek my meaning and purpose in some special "other".
 
I have learned that emotional dependency for me sounds like Satan whispering in my ear.  It is basically a lie that I believe about the other person, the situation, and what that other person can do for me and what that other person should do for me.  That voice is beginning to be recognizable as someone other than my own voice or the voice of God.
 
I have learned that I have had a twisted view about what normal guys achieve.  I imagined that when a man falls in love with a woman that the emotions he experiences have the same intensity as my neurotically driven emotional dependency and the sex has the same intensity as my neurotically driven sexual addiction.  I always thought that combination was the romantic ideal available to normal men.  I think I now realize that would be crazy and a doomed relationship.
 
I have learned that I have no idea what a healthy sexual or emotional relationship looks like, well I have an idea it is just that I don't see how it could be very satisfying.
 
I have learned that it is a mercy that God did not zap me and cure the surface problem of SSA because I could never muster the courage and strength to deal with these other issues if God did.
 
I have learned that I do have friends, good friends, more than one, and that although I constantly hear voices telling me these friendships are not what they should be I also know that they are very good and that almost all of the logical rational criticisms I have of those friendships are not rational at all but lies. 
 
I have learned that keeping those thoughts that my friends are not really friends of any quality but mere acquaintances is just as difficult a mental discipline as not having sexual fantasy.
 
I have learned that when I am in really close fellowship with Jesus, where I sense His intimate presence and I experience that daily, none of this is really all that difficult to deal with, and when He is not present and I am not in close fellowship with Jesus that all this is impossible to deal with.
 
I have learned that His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.


(used with permission)
 

Learning

Guys,

one of the most important lessons I had to learn it here: it is not so much the end/the goal that counts, but the learning process.

If God would offer us freedom on a sillver plate, we would not appreciate its worth.

Through the long and painful process I had to go through He brought new friends into my life and gave me some incredible experiences. We simply have to go through it and suffer all the emotions and pain involved. Like Jesus had to suffer. If we follow Him, we have to partake in His suffering.

Robert


"Remember, you and you alone are responsible for maintaining your energy. Give up blaming, complaining and excuse making, and keep taking action in the direction of your goals - however mundane or lofty they may be."

Jack Canfield


"Fear of the unknown is the anchor that keeps our ships from sailing away."

Posted by 1000 Places to See Before You Die on Samstag, 6. Februar 2016

Strive Forward!

It is a tough battle, but never-the less, we must strive forward for the mark which is to be Holy as he is Holy as commanded.
 
I am reminded of the story we used to hear when I was a kid about the frog whom had fallen down a well. Every day he would make great effort to climb out. He would gain so much then he would fall back a bit. But eventually, because he was determined to get out. he kept striving towards his goal and eventually made it out.
 
Christ knows that we will have days when we will fall back some. But He also is honoured and glorified when we make the attempt to strive forward towards the goal of being holy. And of course He is always there beside us to give us that extra boost, that extra nudge as we strive to be like Him.

André

No Spirit of Fear!



Sometimes life gets tough and we get down on ourselves and beat up on ourselves. Satan loves that because he sees you being defeated, then he works on you to believe the lie that God has abandoned you. Don't believe it. God loves you more than we can even begin to imagine. His love to us is immeasurable. If the scriptures are true and sure, and it says in scripture that He loves us and will... " never leave thee, nor forsake thee. " Heb. 13:5 (King James Version).

Satan will try to make you believe the opposite is true if you let him. Don't believe the lies and don't let yourself down by beating up on yourself. Trust Him whom is true and sure.
 
Yes, be a fighter, only losers quit. You are not a loser, for God made you in His image
"for in the image of God has God made mankind." Genesis 9:6 (New International Version, ©2010)
 
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 (King James Version)
 

God Bless
 
André

Wait on the Lord!

Keep on waiting On the Lord even if it's like waiting for a bus at the bus stop. Sometimes it seems like it is never gonna come, but it will.
 
Have a great week.

André

Food for Thought

Hi guys. Here is some food for thought. May God use it to bless you, encourage and uplift you.

andré
 
Recently while reading a book I came across these words in a fictional story about a China man and an American business man who were once Harvard room mates. They were both standing on the Great Wall of China and the American saw the greatness and technical marvel of Chinese ingenuity. The Chinese saw the deaths of millions and the sorrow and pain of the slaves who built the wall.
 
The Chinese fellow said that we in the America's only see what the Chinese authority wants us to see, we do not see the whole picture, we do not see what went behind the building of the wall. We do not see the misery, the persecution of the Chinese Christians and of the poor in China.
 
He used the following to illustrate this point.
 
A frog was in a well. A bird stopped to drink at the well. They argued about how the sky looked. The frog thought it looked very small. The bird thought it was very big.
 
The bird could see the sky as it really was. The frog could only see a part of it.
 
We also do not always see clearly as we think we do see.
 
I am reminded that our lives on this earth are a reflection of this story. Especially our spiritual lives. We see and often act and react according to what the world, and to what Satan whispers in our ears. Consequently more times than not we take the wrong step and we fall into sin. As you know the result is pain and suffering, perhaps even death.
 
God cannot allow us to sin. He gives us ample opportunity to repent and come back to Him. But again, as often as not, we forget the bird in the sky view of what God sees and we listen to the words of Satan and of the world. We hear only the views of the frog.
 
God has given us His instruction book to help us to walk as He would wish us to walk to avoid the pitfalls of sin. We are fortunate in this day in age to have the Bible so available to us. Sadly it sits too often on the shelf collecting dust. What good is an instruction book on the shelf if all it does is collect dust. It would be like a student trying to do repairs to the carburetor in your car without having first some instructions on how to do the repairs. The result of course would be perhaps pain, suffering and quite possibly death.
 
The Chinese man said something interesting. He said: "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name."
 
As sinners we tend to want to give in to our sins, that is we want to hang on to them often because instead of seeing things as God sees them we believe the lies, and Satan, being the great deceiver that he is calls things the opposite of what things really are.
 
So where do we turn to, to learn and the truth. The Bible is God's truth.
 
Ps. 111:10 says "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever."
 
Also Prov. 1:7 says: "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction." (both King James Version)
 
If we want to be wise and live a Godly life we need to follow the wisdom of God found only in the Bible. If we want His understanding and to live according to His commandments we need to be reading His Words.
 
A Bible sitting on the shelf collecting dust is as worthless as the car repair manual also collecting dust. It is totally worthless.
 
God instructed the people in the days of Joshua to put the words of the Lord in front of their eyes, to put them on their door posts and gates so that they will be forever reading them and learning His ways and words and instructions.  In so doing, they will by way of absorbing God's words, begin to not only read, but also to live a godly life and thus avoid the pitfalls of sin. Because, when you are reading and living, and breathing God's Word daily, you are not falling into the well and only seeing a portion of what God wants you to see. You are seeing and living the whole of Him. And thus you will not fall into the temptations and snares of the world and the devil. You will not be believing and listening to the lies and misrepresentation of the world and Satan.
 
God wants us to live a joyful life with Him as our Father and guide. He wants to be part of your life. He wants to live in you, and you in Him.
 
Take a moment and reflect and think hard on your own personal life and see if you are listening to the words of the frog or of the bird.
 
Perhaps you are listening to the frog and you are grappling and struggling with your sins, struggling with your addictions. Perhaps it is time to climb out of the well of despair and fly and be as a bird and live your life the way God intended it to be.
 
We do not always see as clearly as we think we do when we are living in a well. But surely if we climb out and fly in the glory and brightness of the Lord, we will see things clearly as they are. We will then ignore and walk away from the temptations and lusts of the world and be free. Jesus wants you to be free. He said the Truth shall set you free.
 
Do you want to be free?
 
Take that Bible now off of the shelf. Dust it off. Toss away things on your computer, books and things of the world that corrupt your mind, and begin a new day, a new way and fly and be free.
 
As one radio Bible broadcaster says: "Have a good and godly day; for what lasting value is a good day, if it is also not a godly day."
 
André

Obedience

Obedience is another Word that is stressed in scripture, We are commanded throughout to obey some 141 times throughout scripture. Why would we be asked to obey? When at home with your family you were expected to obey your parents. Why?  Because though we thought we knew better, they knew better and knew that in obeying them, they were teaching us values that would be profitable for our lives, now and future. And also by obeying them we were protected for injury one way or the other. Likewise, God in teaching us to obey is protecting us and teaching us values that will influence and keep us in Him for now and into eternity. And also in obeying Him He is protecting us physically from harm one way or another.
 
This is the key to living in Him. To be a Christian is not a matter of following rules and be fearful of a heavenly Father who holds a big stick above our heads. The Key to being a Christian, is to have a personal relationship with Him. When you are in a personal relationship with someone on earth, you are as a rule, doing all you can to be please to that one. Likewise, when we are in a personal relationship with Christ we ought to do what is pleasing to Him. And in so doing, He rewards us with treasures on earth and in heaven and much more joyful life as we walk the walk, and not just talk the talk.
 
So my friend, go forward this coming week, and enter into a close fellowship with Him, and watch and see how He draws to you.
 
Go with Him and have a great week.
 
Andre

Priority of Prayer

What did the apostle Paul mean when he wrote: "Pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV)? For one, he was indicating that we can live in an attitude of prayer even though we are engaged in everyday activity. This does not mean we walk around mumbling prayers to God, though there will be days when we pray much more than in others.
    

Instead, the indication here leans to one of opportunity. We can have a natural attitude of prayer surrounding our lives. Prayerfulness is a sign that we are dependent on the Lord and not on ourselves. Should you pray about trivial matters? Yes. God listens to every prayer. A prayer to find lost glasses or to mentally retrieve forgotten information are worthy requests.
    

God has called us to be people of prayer. Communication on this level is one of intimate fellowship with the Savior. It is through prayer that we discover the goodness and personal devotion of God. Though taking time to be alone with God is the ideal, we don't have to limit ourselves. God hears our prayers no matter where we pray.
    

Oswald Chambers writes: "So many of us limit our praying because we are not reckless in our confidence in God. In the eyes of those who do not know God, it is madness to trust Him. But when we pray through the power of the Holy Spirit we realize the resources of God -- He is our perfect heavenly Father, and we are His children."

Andre

Time with God

I can understand how plans can change that cramps our quiet time with God. But, just the same, we need to make time with Him in those circumstances to. Just because your daily routine is disturbed, you still need to eat. Likewise we need our daily one on one quiet time with Him.
 
God bless and have a better week next week.
 
Andre

Repent

The word repent is found at least according to my hand held Franklin Bible 45 times in the Old Testament and 60 times in the New.  Now, if God would put this word into our scriptures that many times, do you think He meant it? I'm sure He does. He has put a great deal of stress upon the word and therefore wants us to repent of our sins and to walk according to His will. So lets do it. Not just use the word, not just feel sorry for our sins, but to actually do it. Repent of your sins. Make a 180 degree turn away from your sins and practice at staying away from your sins.
 
God Bless
 
Andre

Trust in God

Where else but in God can you hold out to trust in to help you along your new journey to being fulfilled to become the man He wants you to be. Trust in Him, for there is no other by whom we may call upon to cleanse us from unrighteousness. The path is tough, but hold on, hold out, allow Him to lead you and believe with all your heart, soul, and mind the promises he has made for you. He has drawn you to Him to help you. Do not allow His gifts to fall to the dogs.
 
Have a great and Godly week
 
Andre

Hope!

Romans 15:13

King James Version (KJV)

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."

 

This morning driving down the highway on my way to church I noticed that the highway department had very recently painted the center line anew with its bright yellow markings. What caught my attention was not the newly painted center line, but the evidence of where drivers had crossed the center line (allegedly) passing other vehicles. Funny how fresh paint leaves evidence of misdeeds. It was quite apparent that both 4 wheel vehicles and transport drivers alike crossed the center line passing others on the double solid line and on curves.


I recently read where someone said that these markings and the posted speed limit signs are suggested speeds and suggested places to pass or not pass. Well although I might laugh at such a remark, it is no laughing matter at all. These markings and signs are there not for a suggestion, but for our safety. They are also unspoken laws for which we are to obey. Where there are solid double lines painted on the road, it is not a suggestion, it is the law. Why, because to pass another in these places is to take the risk of having a head on collision with another vehicle. They are there because there is not sufficient visibility to pass another especially near curves and or hills.


I do not know how many times I have seen folks disobeying and taking a chance passing at unsafe places. I have come close many times to getting involved in an accident because someone else was too impatient to wait to pass at another area where it was safe to do so.

In scriptures, God also has given us His laws to live by. These are not suggestions. These are laws. And likewise as above, they are there for our protection, for our safety. 

Since the days of Adam and Eve, man has disregarded Gods laws and gone his own way as if God was only suggesting that we do as He says. Proverbs 14:12 spells it straight for us. It says: “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death”. NKJ When we disobey highway markings and road signs we are risking not only our own lives, but also the lives of others. Likewise when we disobey the ways and laws of God, we also risk our lives and the lives of others.


However, there is also one major difference between man’s highway laws and God’s laws. Whereas we can disobey the road signs, and perhaps get away with it because the law is not watching, when we disobey God, He sees all. You cannot get away with your sins. He may not punish you immediately or even within a year. But be sure you sins shall catch up to you.


“Behold, ye have sinned against the Lord: and be sure, your sins will find you out.” Numbers 32:23 b KJV


God will indeed visit your sins some day and you will indeed pay the price.

When we disobey the road laws we may get caught, perhaps pay a fine, perhaps do jail time. This is only a temporary punishment. But if you disobey God, the punishment depending on the situation could be eternal. Is it worth the risk of disobeying God? Eternal punishment is obviously not a temporary punishment. It is forever and forever and forever. That is a very, very, very long time.


Tell me, is it worth the risk of disobeying God only to face the possibility of eternal punishment, of eternal banishment from His presence in the furnace of hell, forever being tormented with no chance of relief from pain and torment? Is it worth the risk of facing God and having Him say to you; “Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels” Matt.25:41 KJV We shall, to be sure, one day stand before God and give an account of our lives.


Perhaps your sins are not so severe. But still. If you continue in your sins, you will one day be punished and God will take away your portion of rewards. Is it worth the risk?


Which of the following will hear Jesus say of you?


Luke 6:22-26 King James Version (KJV):

“22 Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake.

23 Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven: for in the like manner did their fathers unto the prophets.

24 But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation.

25 Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep.

26 Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets”


Perhaps we shall be of those if we obey to whom it is said:

“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Heb 12:1-2 (KJV)

&

“Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear” Heb. 12:28


As for me I would like to be receiving the good reward.


“And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be.” Rev. 22:12 KJV


So think about it. Is it really worth continuing on in your sins only to be found out and punished by a fearful God? 


Hebrews 10 (KJV):

“10 For the law having a shadow of good things to come, and not the very image of the things, can never with those sacrifices which they offered year by year continually make the comers thereunto perfect.

2 For then would they not have ceased to be offered? because that the worshippers once purged should have had no more conscience of sins.

3 But in those sacrifices there is a remembrance again made of sins every year.

4 For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins.

5 Wherefore when he cometh into the world, he saith, Sacrifice and offering thou wouldest not, but a body hast thou prepared me:

6 In burnt offerings and sacrifices for sin thou hast had no pleasure.

7 Then said I, Lo, I come (in the volume of the book it is written of me,) to do thy will, O God.

8 Above when he said, Sacrifice and offering and burnt offerings and offering for sin thou wouldest not, neither hadst pleasure therein; which are offered by the law;

9 Then said he, Lo, I come to do thy will, O God. He taketh away the first, that he may establish the second.

10 By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

11 And every priest standeth daily ministering and offering oftentimes the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins:

12 But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins for ever, sat down on the right hand of God;

13 From henceforth expecting till his enemies be made his footstool.

14 For by one offering he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified.

15 Whereof the Holy Ghost also is a witness to us: for after that he had said before,

16 This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them;

17 And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.

18 Now where remission of these is, there is no more offering for sin.

19 Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus,

20 By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh;

21 And having an high priest over the house of God;

22 Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water.

23 Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)

24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:

25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.

26 For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,

27 But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries.

28 He that despised Moses' law died without mercy under two or three witnesses:

29 Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?

30 For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people.

31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

32 But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions;

33 Partly, whilst ye were made a gazingstock both by reproaches and afflictions; and partly, whilst ye became companions of them that were so used.

34 For ye had compassion of me in my bonds, and took joyfully the spoiling of your goods, knowing in yourselves that ye have in heaven a better and an enduring substance.

35 Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

36 For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

37 For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry.

38 Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.

39 But we are not of them who draw back unto perdition; but of them that believe to the saving of the soul.”


Joshua 24 

King James Version (KJV)

"24 And Joshua gathered all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, and called for the elders of Israel, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers; and they presented themselves before God.

2 And Joshua said unto all the people, Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Your fathers dwelt on the other side of the flood in old time, even Terah, the father of Abraham, and the father of Nachor: and they served other gods.

3 And I took your father Abraham from the other side of the flood, and led him throughout all the land of Canaan, and multiplied his seed, and gave him Isaac.

4 And I gave unto Isaac Jacob and Esau: and I gave unto Esau mount Seir, to possess it; but Jacob and his children went down into Egypt.

5 I sent Moses also and Aaron, and I plagued Egypt, according to that which I did among them: and afterward I brought you out.

6 And I brought your fathers out of Egypt: and ye came unto the sea; and the Egyptians pursued after your fathers with chariots and horsemen unto the Red sea.

7 And when they cried unto the Lord, he put darkness between you and the Egyptians, and brought the sea upon them, and covered them; and your eyes have seen what I have done in Egypt: and ye dwelt in the wilderness a long season.

8 And I brought you into the land of the Amorites, which dwelt on the other side Jordan; and they fought with you: and I gave them into your hand, that ye might possess their land; and I destroyed them from before you.

9 Then Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab, arose and warred against Israel, and sent and called Balaam the son of Beor to curse you:

10 But I would not hearken unto Balaam; therefore he blessed you still: so I delivered you out of his hand.

11 And you went over Jordan, and came unto Jericho: and the men of Jericho fought against you, the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Girgashites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites; and I delivered them into your hand.

12 And I sent the hornet before you, which drave them out from before you, even the two kings of the Amorites; but not with thy sword, nor with thy bow.

13 And I have given you a land for which ye did not labour, and cities which ye built not, and ye dwell in them; of the vineyards and oliveyards which ye planted not do ye eat.

14 Now therefore fear the Lord, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the Lord.

15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

16 And the people answered and said, God forbid that we should forsake the Lord, to serve other gods;

17 For the Lord our God, he it is that brought us up and our fathers out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage, and which did those great signs in our sight, and preserved us in all the way wherein we went, and among all the people through whom we passed:

18 And the Lord drave out from before us all the people, even the Amorites which dwelt in the land: therefore will we also serve the Lord; for he is our God.

19 And Joshua said unto the people, Ye cannot serve the Lord: for he is an holy God; he is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins.

20 If ye forsake the Lord, and serve strange gods, then he will turn and do you hurt, and consume you, after that he hath done you good.

21 And the people said unto Joshua, Nay; but we will serve the Lord.

22 And Joshua said unto the people, Ye are witnesses against yourselves that ye have chosen you the Lord, to serve him. And they said, We are witnesses.

23 Now therefore put away, said he, the strange gods which are among you, and incline your heart unto the Lord God of Israel.

24 And the people said unto Joshua, The Lord our God will we serve, and his voice will we obey.

25 So Joshua made a covenant with the people that day, and set them a statute and an ordinance in Shechem.

26 And Joshua wrote these words in the book of the law of God, and took a great stone, and set it up there under an oak, that was by the sanctuary of the Lord.

27 And Joshua said unto all the people, Behold, this stone shall be a witness unto us; for it hath heard all the words of the Lord which he spake unto us: it shall be therefore a witness unto you, lest ye deny your God.

28 So Joshua let the people depart, every man unto his inheritance.

29 And it came to pass after these things, that Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of the Lord, died, being an hundred and ten years old.

30 And they buried him in the border of his inheritance in Timnathserah, which is in mount Ephraim, on the north side of the hill of Gaash.

31 And Israel served the Lord all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders that overlived Joshua, and which had known all the works of the Lord, that he had done for Israel.”

32 And the bones of Joseph, which the children of Israel brought up out of Egypt, buried they in Shechem, in a parcel of ground which Jacob bought of the sons of Hamor the father of Shechem for an hundred pieces of silver: and it became the inheritance of the children of Joseph.

33 And Eleazar the son of Aaron died; and they buried him in a hill that pertained to Phinehas his son, which was given him in mount Ephraim."


André

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Four Principles of Growth

Presented by David A. Matheson, LPC


(This article is a reprint from a paper presented by David Matheson at the 2003 NARTH Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah.)

INTRODUCTION

I am a therapist in private practice and am co-creator of Journey into Manhood (JiM), an experiential weekend for men seeking to change unwanted homosexuality. The JiM weekend is sponsored by People Can Change (PCC), a web based support organization that offers information, list-serves, and is beginning to coordinate face-to-face “JiM Groups” in a few major metropolitan areas. JiM and PCC are based to a large degree on the concepts I will be presenting.

Many men seeking to overcome homosexuality become frustrated and discouraged when they find that their feelings and attractions don't change as quickly or substantially as they had hoped. I believe that the reason these men become frustrated is because their efforts at change are not broad enough. By this I mean that their work, however intense and sincere, has not covered enough areas of life to bring about real change. For instance, a man might focus on overcoming sexual addiction but spend no time building healthy relationships with other men. Or, he may work on spiritual healing but give little attention to healing his emotional wounds.

Diminishing homosexual feelings and opening the way for heterosexuality to emerge seems to require efforts in four broad, overlapping areas. These are:


Masculinity (i.e., men changing have to feel manly and relate to other men)
Authenticity (e.g., getting out of the false self, facing real feelings in open relationships)
Need fulfillment (having those relationships, experiences, and opportunities that strengthen, nurture, and lead to joy and personal satisfaction)
Surrender (letting go of everything that prevents change from happening and letting in the things that restore growth processes)

These Four Principles are interdependent and synergistic. They are interdependent in that, in many instances, one principle cannot be lived without another being lived at the same time. They are synergistic in that they effect and are affected by each other and it is the interactivity of all the principles that causes substantial and lasting growth to occur.

Splitting these principles out is somewhat like putting a prism in white light, with white light representing the overall growth process. The prism shows us the different wavelengths that exist simultaneously in a whole beam of light.

My hope in splitting the change process out into these four “wavelengths” is to empower us to create whole growth processes, rather than to allow men to languish in incompletion.

THE PROBLEMS

To give context to the Four Principles, let me first characterize my view of the problems men with same-sex attraction (SSA) face. They have problems in four main areas:

1. Insufficient Masculinity. This refers to their feeling inadequate as men and having an insufficient connection with other men and to the masculine world. Men with SSA tend to be disconnected from the male world and from other men. And they are disconnected from their masculinity—from their own genderedness.
2. Inauthenticity. They are not just disconnected from their genderedness, but also from their most genuine feelings and impulses. As a brace against shame and deep fears of abandonment, they tend to interact with the world through a false self that has been carefully constructed so as to not arouse disapproval. They are not authentic.
3. Unmet Needs. With only limited access to their feelings, they tend to have difficulty perceiving their needs. They may also have beliefs about themselves and feelings of guilt that steer them directly away from meeting their needs. This means that their needs cannot be met, further weakening them emotionally and causing them to seek false means of self-nurture.
4. Emotional Rigidity. They tend to have difficulty making emotional shifts and being emotionally vulnerable. Their emotional and relational patterns tend to be rather rigid. Also, they often have deeply engrained thought and behavioral patterns.
I see all of these issues as reverberations and elaborations of painful childhood relationships where the boy was shamed and placed in double binds by his parents and peers. Most damagingly, he was placed in what I call a “gender double bind,” by the overall situation of his boyhood.

GENDER DOUBLE BIND

A double bind is a situation where there is no good way out—where there is pain or trouble no matter what you do. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. To quote the rock group The Cure: “If I go there will be trouble; If I stay it will be double.”

The men dealing with same-sex attraction that I and my colleagues have known over many years typically describe a particular family dynamic marked by double binds. This dynamic may be played out in a variety of ways, but the essence of it is that the boy is punished or hurt for being himself with his authentic personality, feelings, and needs.

The hurt and the punishment may be simply that his parents ignore his feelings and needs. Or it may be that he is disciplined or offended by a parent and then prevented from, or punished for, expressing his feelings about it. Or, more extremely, he may be abused and then beaten for crying. Parents, siblings, peers, teachers, and others can create double binds.

One of the worst double binds these boys experience involves their gender. They come to believe that it is bad to be a boy, or that they are unacceptable as a male. If they assert their masculinity, they are punished or shamed. On the other hand, they cannot abandon their maleness because it is integral to who they are. And to make matters worse, there is no one they can safely articulate their dilemma to. So they remain stuck in this Catch 22 for years, feeling despair and hopelessness. Gender Double Binds (GDBs) are created from a profound rejection—by parents or the environment—of a boy’s gendered self, whether by blunt force or by exquisite unconscious targeting.

It is important to note that the GDB experienced by any particular boy is created within the mind and emotions of the boy himself. Typically, there are real factors in the environment that contribute to his beliefs and feelings. And in some cases, these factors are more a matter of the boy’s perception than of external forces working on him.

When boys routinely experience double binds, they become afraid of self-expression and even afraid of their own feelings. They develop defenses against feeling and create an inauthentic “false self” that doesn’t arouse the disapproval of those around them. They become often passive and stuck in life. GDBs add to this a defensiveness against their own genderedness—against their own boyish masculinity.

ILLUSTRATION: Vic – “I think I knew from the womb: ‘You’d better not come out male.’” But his mother didn’t just expect him not to be male. He experienced a very strong expectation from her to be female—a fundamental violation of his body, mind, and spirit. To be male meant abandonment and death. To be female meant substantial loss of self.

ILLUSTRATION: Dave – Grew up feeling weak and inadequate—to try to be masculine would bring humiliation. Also, there seemed to be something bad, dirty, or even evil about masculinity. To be masculine meant shame and badness. To shun it brought more inadequacy, shame, taunting, and alienation from self and others.

RESTARTING GROWTH PROCESSES

The Gender Double Bind stops growth into mature masculinity and heterosexuality. The goal of gender affirming psychotherapy, the JiM experiential weekend, and JiM groups is to unblock the developmental processes arrested by problems in childhood so that normal growth can resume. But this growth needs optimal circumstances to proceed— especially when it has become blocked by powerful emotional and
behavioral defenses. This requires a multifaceted approach that addresses all four of the problem areas described above. The Four Principles of Change are a way of guiding that process.


MASCULINITY

The general concept of masculinity includes three more specific areas. These are internal, interpersonal, and societal concepts of masculinity. “Internal” refers essentially to gender identity—the sense of maleness and masculinity that a boy or man has of himself. “Interpersonal is about connections and affiliation with other men. And “societal” has to do with social concepts of masculinity, and with male roles.

What are the problems?

GDBs impact each of these three areas. Internally, the problem is that men with SSA typically feel a sense of inadequacy in their masculinity and may even doubt their maleness on less conscious levels. Despite a conscious knowledge of their given gender, they may feel feminine or weak in their maleness. One man described himself as having been “colonized” by his mother. Other men have mentioned that they can see
their mother reflected in their own bodily movements or hear her voice when they speak.These men tend to view “normal” (i.e., heterosexual) men as having some mysterious masculinizing quality that they lack. They also tend to disconnect from their bodies, which—being irrefutably male—are a key element of the GDB.

Interpersonally, the problem is that men with SSA have become defensively detached from other men. The sense of being fundamentally different from other males, which arises from GDBs, has put a profound wedge between the boy and his male peers, teachers, leaders, and relatives. The pain experienced in early relationships with these other males, which is typically described by men with SSA, deepens the defensiveness by adding an unconscious decision to never again attempt bonding. Defensive detachment leaves SSA men generally isolated from close, personal, non-gay relationships with other males.

Societally, men with SSA tend to feel alienated from, and resentful of, concepts of masculinity and male roles. This is essentially an extension of their internal and interpersonal detachment from masculinity and men. And the societal disconnection then interacts with the internal and interpersonal disconnection in a sort of “feedback loop,” reinforcing and exacerbating the overall sense of being out of step with the whole concept of maleness.

How is the principle of Masculinity lived?

The GDB must be broken in order for a sense of masculine sufficiency (having enough maleness inside you and around you in your life) to develop and grow. And, the GDB is broken by exposing the lies in it and by contradicting them experientially. Ways to expose some of the most common GDB lies are discussed below.

Lie: “If I behave in masculine ways (i.e., according to socially defined male roles) I will be humiliated, rejected, or shamed.” This lie is exposed and contradicted through little-by- little trying on typically masculine behaviors, including anything from sports to spitting. Some will stick and others will be dropped. Gradually, the newly adopted behaviors become integrated into the man’s overall personality and contribute to a deepening of his sense of masculinity. Having mature male role models is important in this process.

Lie: “If I expose my true self to “normal” (i.e., heterosexual) men, they will shame me and push me away.” Creating friendships with so-called “normal” men is the only way to contradict this lie. This must be done consciously, carefully, and with intention. Very often, the first step is to make deep and real friendships with other men in the process of change. The JiM weekend, JiM groups, and the many other SSA ministries and support groups offer opportunities for making such friendships in a safe and accountable environment. The New Warrior Training Adventure, New Warrior Integration Groups,church and synagogue groups and community clubs and associations offer opportunities for making the leap into close friendships with heterosexual men.

Lie: “If I pursue my authentic gender atypical interests (e.g., art, music, style, or nursing) I cannot be masculine and other men will not be able to relate to me.” The truth is that you don’t have to give up your passion in order to prove you’re a man. Rather, the challenge is to integrate that passion into an overall masculine personality and self-image.

Lie: “If I express masculine power, aggression, and anger I will be punished and abandoned.” This lie is core to the GDB and the contradiction of this lie often has a profoundly freeing and masculinizing effect. The root of this lie often goes all the way back to early childhood when the boy’s attempts at individuating and separating from mother went off track. Separation from mother, development of male identity, and
acquisition of personal power are very closely tied together. Failure to separate from mother typically has a cascading effect, derailing the other processes as well.

Contradicting this lie requires careful processes that lead the man into sometimes terrifying emotional places. There, he experiences feelings and conflicts he may have avoided for decades. The core of this work is typically anger, which is often conflicted by feelings of love and guilt. Working through these conflicts restarts the process of individuating and developing personal power, which deeply impacts in a positive way the sense of masculinity. It also provides increased energy and drive to do the other hard work of the change process to be described below.

AUTHENTICITY

To understand the principle of Authenticity, we must break it down into two related subprinciples. The first is Internal Authenticity, which in essence implies being whole within yourself and accepting yourself totally, rather than splitting off, repressing, or hiding parts of yourself. This requires an understanding of who you are on a level deeper than your job description, sexual feelings, or the labels given you by family and friends. It takes the capacity to feel and tolerate the full range of your own feelings, which can sometimes seem conflicting, confusing, and painful. And it depends on an ability to integrate these feelings, along with your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world into a self that can meet the challenges of life and relationships. Internal Authenticity might appropriately be termed “the technology of self.”

Interpersonal Authenticity is the second sub-principle within the overall concept of Authenticity. Simply put, Interpersonal Authenticity is the ability to be fully present and assertive in relationships to the degree appropriate and to respond out of your genuine self in those relationships. This starts with the assumption that each relationship is unique and calls for differing degrees of openness. Openness, or self-disclosure, is not synonymous with Interpersonal Authenticity. Not every relationship warrants disclosure of personal details and only a few relationships are conducive of true intimacy. Nevertheless, Interpersonal Authenticity suggests the ability to be genuine and true to yourself in a majority of relationships whether intimate or more superficial.

What are the problems?

As boys, these men experienced emotional conflicts (e.g., double binds) that outstripped their own internal resources and the resources of their families and peers. As a result, not only were these specific conflicts left unresolved, but the boy’s capacities to resolve internal crises did not develop. This left them unprepared to surmount conflicts over the span of their development. The pain and insecurity of unresolved conflicts caused them to shut down the feelings and split off the aspects of themselves that created the conflicts. They may have given up their anger or split off their assertiveness or needs for male friendship. They often disconnect from their bodies in order to avoid their feelings. They develop a “self” that doesn’t create conflict, but that is also false. They have lost who they truly are.

Lacking the ability to resolve emotional conflicts, existing with important parts of the self split off, and interacting with the world through a false self prevents these men from relating authentically with others. They may be friendly, personable, and “nice,” but they typically struggle with relational essentials including intimacy, attachment, self-assertion, empathy, honesty, and forgiveness.

How is the Principle of Authenticity Lived?

The principle of Authenticity starts with risking being whole. At first, wholeness must be explored in a very safe place (perhaps a therapist’s office) where the shut down feelings and split off aspects of self can be expressed and explored. Integration of contradictory feelings (like love and hate, anger and guilt) creates a greater sense of inner stability and clarifies relationships of the past and the present. Open exploration of split off aspects of self (e.g., assertiveness or sexual desires) reduces the shame that has accumulated around these and allows them also to be integrated into the self as well.

This entire process requires facing fear in a profound and new way. Men must let down their defenses in order to re-enter internal conflicts that they deemed intolerable years ago. And they must venture into their bodies where illogical, uncomfortable, and unpredictable emotions exist. The process also requires looking for self-created double binds (transferred from relationships of the past into relationships in the present).

As the therapeutic process proceeds, men naturally begin to carry their newfound assertiveness, clarity, and wholeness into the real world of relationships. They allow others to see their feelings in the here-and-now. They become able to reveal themselves to others and stay in relationship rather than defensively detaching. And they find themselves in fewer double binds.

It is important to understand that Authenticity is both the catalyst and the linchpin of change. Without it there is not going to be any real change. It must be the primary focus from the very beginning of the change process.


NEED FULFILLMENT

First, let me define the word “need.” I define “need” as that which is required in order to maintain joy. I consider joy to be the central purpose of human existence. By joy, I mean the experience of satisfaction, well being, and completion; the sense that life is good, that it has purpose and meaning. I am speaking of joy in its mature, bigger-than-self form— not mere excitement, stimulation, or even bliss, although each of these may be part of joy. But joy encompasses much more than those, including pain, disappointment, and grief.

A reverse description of “need” may add context: It is a need if not having it causes deterioration of the personality, for example depression, defenses, intense yearnings, loneliness, alienation, shutting down of feelings, or loss of interest or creativity. These are the opposite of joy and thus indicate unmet needs. Absent from this list of negative experiences indicating unmet needs are the core emotions of anger, sadness, and fear. Though many may view those feelings as running counter to joy and need fulfillment, experiencing them when warranted is actually a need in itself and part of the process of maintaining joy.

Need Fulfillment depends on two masculine drives: to preside and to provide. Presiding implies self- governance—creating order and balance in your life, which must be maintained if needs are to be adequately met. Providing implies the actual work done to meet a need, whether that is bringing home the paycheck or spending time bonding with a male friend.

What are the problems?

The problems described earlier that block men with SSA from experiencing Authenticity are the also the root problems that block Need Fulfillment. Meeting needs requires first knowing self. Of particular importance is the shutting down of feelings, splitting of self, and disconnection from the body caused by childhood double binds.

Men with SSA often do well at meeting some of their needs, but do poorly meeting others. Typically, shame or an emotional conflict surrounds the needs they do not meet. For example, meeting the need to feel at ease in the body—to feel confident and secure in your own skin—might require exercise and dieting. But intense body shame can make it very difficult to even acknowledge the body’s needs, much less care for the body or expose it by going to the gym for a workout. Or, meeting the need to individuate from mother might require creating boundaries in the relationship. But conflicting feelings of love, anger, and guilt can undermine the setting of boundaries with her.

Childhoods characterized by double binds can also diminish a man’s ability to meet his needs by engendering a passive personality. Essentially a learned helplessness, passivity results from life situations that left the boy with no power in his own life—he was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t. To make matters worse, he likely created a false self to interface with his hostile or unpredictable double-binding world. The purpose of the false self is to perceive the needs or wants of other people and to satisfy them. Awareness of self—along with the needs of the self—is lost.

The further in life these men go without knowledge of their needs, the further off track they can become. In some cases, a fundamental incompatibility develops between their lifestyle and the meeting of their authentic needs. Getting back on track can then require substantial effort and sacrifice.

Grief is what naturally happens when we are thwarted in meeting our needs. If grief is too painful or pervasive, grief might defended against through various inaccurate methods, including masturbation, pornography, and homosexual fantasies or behavior.

How is the principle of Need Fulfillment lived?

Authenticity opens the way for Need Fulfillment by increasing awareness of both cognitive and physiological aspects of emotion. This means that a man can feel his feelings and understand what they mean. He is thus capable of understanding his emotions when they tell him what his needs are and when they tell him that his needs are either met or unmet.

When men first begin the change process, they often don’t understand their needs. One way to help them find out what their unmet needs are is to follow their grieving emotions (i.e., anger and sadness) to their source. This process is used in therapy to resolve feelings from painful relationships. But it can also point out needs that were left unmet in those relationships as well as needs that are being left unmet in the present. This process also makes viscerally clear to the man the painful consequences of not meeting his needs.Feeling these consequences can be extremely motivating.

But psychotherapeutic work alone may not be sufficient to help a man understand and meet his needs. Some men benefit from personality profiles, interest inventories, and aptitude tests to broaden their self-awareness, which can shed light on their individual needs profile. Also, accessing their own memory to review interests and life experiences can help shed additional light on their needs.

It may be helpful for men to consider various categories and types of needs. This can help them become aware of areas they might not have considered previously. While each person’s specific needs are unique, most men working to change SSA seem to have needs in each of the following areas:


Relational: love, affiliation, community, affection, trust, understanding, and intimacy from people in general
Male friendship: attention, affection, and approval from men specifically
Physical: touch, pleasure, rest, work, exercise, nourishment, and grooming.
Spiritual: connection to God, the universe, or something bigger than self; inspiration,
Work/Vocation: to produce, feel effective and useful; to enjoy daily activities; to have variety.
Empowerment: safety, freedom, self-direction, autonomy, and opportunity
Rest: relaxation, sleep, diversion, and entertainment
Self-expression: the opportunity to articulate to myself and the world who I am.
As difficult as the foregoing processes of learning about needs may sound, the more difficult work of Need Fulfillment is the daily devotion of time, energy, and resources that is required in order to actually the needs. For some men, this can require substantial adjustments in their lifestyle as they begin committing their time and money to meeting their needs. This often requires a high level of commitment the people close to the man as well, especially if he is married and has a family.


SURRENDER

Put most simply, Surrender is letting change happen. Surrender is releasing from your life everything that inhibits growth and receiving into your life those things that foster it. As the previous sentence suggests, Surrender is bi-directional—it involves both letting go (releasing) and letting in (receiving).

Imagine a fortress that has been defending against an invading force for some time. The occupants of the fort are out of provisions and ammunition. They are beginning to starve and die. They are ready to surrender. Doing so requires that they first put down their weapons. This represents the “letting go” aspect of surrender. Once they have relinquished their arms, they must accept the new command of the opposing force. This represents the “letting in” aspect of surrender. When the surrendering occupant of the fortress is a man with SSA, he soon discovers that the “opposing force” is benevolent and brings replenishment and healing.

What are the problems?

Men with SSA tend to have a difficult time letting change happen. This is not a trait unique to them—many if not most people experience at least a little discomfort with change and many will avoid it if at all possible. Anyone who responds to change in this way foils his own growth and development—his own transcendence to something greater. Men with SSA tend to have problems with surrendering cognitively, emotionally, behaviorally, and spiritually. The problems in each of these areas results from unmet needs and unresolved painful feelings.

Cognitively, many men with SSA develop beliefs about themselves and the world, and about their places in the world, that are inaccurate and self-defeating. Most significantly, they have the belief that they are homosexual or “gay.” Their perspectives are often full of distortions (inaccurate negative beliefs) and illusions (inaccurate positive beliefs) that prevent them from seeing things as they truly are. Relationship interactions are often misinterpreted. Personal traits (of self and others) are often misperceived. And future possibilities are frequently misunderstood. Additionally, some men with SSA have obsessive or ruminative thought processes that they cannot let go of. Whether or not these are directly linked to homosexuality, they tend slow the change process down. And they often lead to compulsive behaviors, (to be discussed below) further slowing the process of growth.

Emotionally, men with SSA tend to be rigid and narrow in their emotional and relational patterns. They have difficulty shifting from one emotion to another. They may get stuck in anger and be unable to shift from anger into forgiveness or sadness. Or, they may get stuck in depression and be unable to descend below the depression into the anger or grief that lies beneath it. Or they may lock themselves into a defensive posture that prevents them from feeling certain or all feelings. Anxiety, numbing out, superficiality and the subterfuge of the false self are all common defenses.Behaviorally, SSA men tend toward addictions and compulsions. Most commonly, men with SSA are involved in sexual addictions, which may include fantasies, pornography, masturbation, and sex with another person whether live or by electronic means. These behaviors are repeated again and again for the pleasure or relief from pain that they bring. In homosexual relationships, engaging in very specific sexual patterns with specific types of men is often the rule.

Compulsions grow out of obsessive thought patterns and tend to be an attempt to “get it right.” Although only a percentage of SSA men also have full-blown obsessive-compulsive disorder, many SSA men experience obsessions (discussed above) and show tendencies toward compulsive behavior. Repetition compulsions are common, and some would argue ubiquitous, among homosexual men. In a repetition compulsion, the man sets up a situation that repeats a painful dynamic from childhood in an attempt to “get it right.” But the situation merely creates more painful—though familiar—feelings and ends up working as more of a punishment and distraction from moving on with life. He never really allows himself to “get it right.”

Gender-atypical behavior, although seemingly less serious than addictions and compulsions, can nonetheless slow a man’s change process.This is particularly true when the behavior reinforces to the man, or to those around him, that he is unmasculine, effeminate, or gay. Another behavioral problem worthy of mention might be termed “distractive lifestyle.” This refers to a way of living that keeps a man so busy doing unimportant things that he has no time to fall into his underlying pain or grief, or to pursue healing and change. Frequent partying, overworking, and excessive television watching are signs of a “distractive lifestyle.”

Spiritually, the problems tend to involve difficulty trusting something bigger than self and fears about being controlled and being out of control. The man’s deep shame often results in a narcissistic reaction of putting his own ego at the center of his universe. He may be wary of organizations, religion, authority, and power in any form. He may also believe that God has let him down and develop deep resentment toward the Supreme Being. From this position, the man is not open to mentoring, guidance, or inspiration. And he cannot transcend himself for fear of losing control of himself.

How is the principle of Surrender lived?

Cognitively, new mental constructs about self and the world must be acquired; illusions (inaccurate positive beliefs) and distortions (inaccurate negative beliefs) have to be exposed and relinquished. Perhaps the most significant belief about self that must be given away is the man’s belief that he is homosexual or “gay.” I believe that homosexuality cannot be changed without a conscious choice to do so. Often, the most significant belief about others that must be released is the stereotyped perspective of heterosexual men. Deep relationships with other men can help greatly in these processes, especially once trust begins to develop. Trust itself is a surrender of defensiveness and it opens the man to seeing other views of life that will challenge and correct his own. Sometimes, cognitive therapeutic processes must be employed to stop or reduce the obsessive or ruminative thought processes. These generally include an aspect of releasing or relinquishing (letting go) the obsessive thought.

Emotionally, the principle of Surrender begins with letting go of defenses and fully receiving and feeling your emotions. Emotions bring physical sensations and impulses in the body (e.g., anger might bring a pounding heart and an impulse to hit) and understanding to the mind (e.g., anger might bring recognition of the extent of abuse). Men must learn to release the physical sensations and impulses (often called a “charge”) in ways that don’t hurt themselves or others. And they must integrate the new understanding, which creates growth and expansion of emotional capacities. Men in the change process must also surrender emotionally in relationships with trustworthy people by releasing information about themselves, exposing their feelings, and receiving love and affirmation.

Surrendering unhealthful behaviors depends on surrender in the other three areas since addictions and compulsions tend to be based on cognitive, emotional, and spiritual issues. For example, sexual addictions are often held in place by a deep sense of alienation or self-hatred while repetition compulsions are often based in unresolved traumatic parent-child interactions. Working through and surrendering these underlying issues can have a dramatic impact on the addiction or compulsion. Even so, additional behaviorally based or 12 Step work is often required to fully overcome the addiction or compulsion.

Similarly, gender-atypical behavior is essentially a reflection of underlying issues involving the man’s self-perception. Emotional and cognitive surrender (as described above) is the pathway to deep changes in self-perception. At the same time, consciously surrendering non-masculine behaviors and adopting gender-typical behaviors can be quite helpful in the overall process. Finally, surrendering a “distractive lifestyle” necessitates emotional surrender but also usually requires a purely behavioral intervention to help the man change his pattern.

Spiritual surrender may be done as one powerful act of faith—willingly letting go the control of your life, trusting that something bigger than you will benevolently step in. Some men can do this. Other men can only spiritually surrender a bit at a time as they gradually feel greater trust through successful experiences with powers greater than their own, whether that power is seen as the natural change process or as God. For many religious men, the love shared between them and God creates a willingness and desire to surrender. Whether done at once or through many small decisions, spiritual surrender requires a recognition that you are a smaller force in the universe and that there is some force greater than yourself that wants your wellbeing.

Spiritual surrender also involves seeking transcendence. By this I mean, seeking to rise above where you have been, looking within yourself for more mature responses, and going to sources higher than yourself for guidance and inspiration.

CONCLUSION

The Four Principles of Change are useful because they are easily understood and implemented by men in the change process. They also provide a paradigm for therapists that can be applied in very specific ways to a full range of issues facing all men in the process.

To me, “change” means that growth toward mature masculinity and heterosexuality is resumed and completed. Growth needs optimal circumstances to proceed. My hope in splitting out the whole growth process into the four Principles of Growth is to empower us to create whole growth processes and optimal circumstances for change.

David Kyle Foster: Renewing the Mind

David Kyle Foster: The Importance of Repentance

Bergspiritualitaet

Machine Gun Preacher - Movie Trailer

Machine Gun Preacher Release Trailer

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Acceptance is number one... from God and trusted others.
Not to allow condemnation in is number two for me.... God loves me just as I am and I dont care what others may think.
Do not try to fix it myself ... let go and let God
Keep channels of support open
Live life regardless and do confuse spirituality with sexuality
Reach out to others

T.

“We have a choice in our response to failure. We can condemn or we can learn. All of us fail, but this doesn't mean that we are failures. We need to understand that failing can be a step toward maturity, not a permanent blot on our self-esteem...We don't have to allow failure to prevent us from being used by God.”

― Robert S. McGee

“Because of justification, you are completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God. You no longer have to fear failure.     2. Because of reconciliation, you are totally accepted by God. You no longer have to fear rejection.     3. Because of propitiation, you are deeply loved by God. You no longer have to fear punishment, nor do you have to punish others.     4. Because of regeneration, you have been made brand-new, complete in Christ. You no longer need to experience the pain of shame.”

― Robert S. McGee, The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”
― Henry Cloud

What do you think your purpose is?

Posted by Family Life Radio on Freitag, 5. Juni 2015

Why is the only condition we have on someone whbo wants to join Homosexuals Anonymous the will to be free? Because without it everything else would be futile. You have to know what you want and you have  to really want it. You need a passion to go for your goal, no matter what. If there are no emotions involved and you try to reach a goal simply through a change of cognitive thinking patterns, or because someone else wants you to and you have not the slightest wish to do so, this only become negative stress for you. It is all about how you see and evaluate this goal of being free of same-sex attractions and the way that leads to that. For some it is a drag, a pain in the butt. For others the same tools are an exciting challenge.

Think about it.

Rob

You are worth something! Don't let anybody tell you you are a good-for-nothing! Your potential is way beyond what you might possibly imagine! God gave you passions and emotions for a reason. Find out what you are passionate about - and go for it! Don't be scared to accept challenges on the way - they only help you grow. Whatever your life experiences may have been - you are loved so much by God He sent His only Son to die for YOU! Let that love fill your heart, grow in you and bear rich fruit. Pass it on to others. God told Adam it was not good for him to be alone. Neither is it for us. Seek the company of others. Life is not about following somebody else's plans, but the one God has set out for you by the way He designed you! Learning and growing does not simply mean passing on traditions and learning things others experienced by heart (that is how our school system works), but helping light the fire in us that brought forth all cultural and technical development. You are never too old to study and grow, neither do you lack the talent for it. All it takes is for you to fell the love - His love - and accept this adventure called life!

Remember:

The only reason why people don't find freedom from same-sex attractions is because they don't believe it can be done!

Real wisdom from a real saint.

Posted by Scott Hahn on Samstag, 19. Dezember 2015
“Why do I exist?” That is a question very few ever ask themselves. They would not have a ten-cent gadget in their homes for five minutes without knowing its purpose, but they will go through life without knowing why they are living. Until we answer that question there is no question worth answering; and the way we answer it determines our character in this world and our destiny in the next. … The best way of finding out why a thing was made is to go to its maker. “Why did God make you?” and the Maker gives the answer: “God made me to know Him, to love Him, to serve Him in this world, and to be eternally happy with Him in the next.”

~ Fulton J. Sheen, Freedom Under God, True Liberty (1940/2013) p. 22-23. [“Question 6” of the Baltimore Catechism]

HA: New Homepage!

Homosexuals Anonymous has a new homepage:

http://www.homosexuals-anonymous.com/


Why do so many people with same-sex attractions stumble on the way to freedom? Here some reasons:

- So far, they used the easy fix to deal with their hurts and their legitimate unfulfilled needs. Now they are supposed to do something, which is way harder, even though it leads to a better goal, heals their hurts and really satisfies their needs. The quick fix is just too tempting at times...
- No stress- and frustration-tolerance.
- Lack of ability to set yourself a goal and pursue it - no matter what.
- Everyone around them keeps on telling them to do whatever they feel like doing. It's all about "love", right?
- Lack of a love that is bigger than the lust.

Joe Dallas

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Is Change Possible?

To make it very clear: Yes, the Jason ministry definitely believes that change is possible. We believe in God and His power to change our hearts and minds.

Matthew 19:26 King James Version (KJV):

"26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

"Whoever says that a person with SSA cannot change does not know my God."

Pastor Paul

Oceania and Africa

Thanks to the outstanding service and commitment of Pastor Paul, we were able to expand our ministry in Oceania, Africa and Asia. For more information please click here.

Was ist das eigentlich, "Homosexualitaet"?

Kurz gesagt, die Tatsache, dass sich jemand überwiegend und über einen längeren Zeitraum hinweg in sexueller und/oder emotionaler Hinsicht zum eigenen Geschlecht hingezogen fühlt. Wir bevorzugen aber den Begriff "gleichgeschlechtliche Neigungen". Zum einen ist der Begriff "Homosexualität" (als eigenständige Form der Sexualität) noch gar nicht so alt. In klinischer Hinsicht konzentriert er sich vor allem auf die sexuelle Anziehung, was jedoch zu kurz gegriffen ist, da man hier die emotionale Zuneigung außer Acht lässt. Zum anderen sind wir als Christen der Überzeugung, dass es nur eine Gott-gegebene Form der Sexualität gibt - und das ist die Heterosexualität. Ja, es gibt Menschen, die - aus welchen Gründen auch immer (und seien sie "genetisch") - gleichgeschlechtlich empfinden, wir sehen dies aber nicht als eine eigenständige Identität, sondern als Teil der Heterosexualität an. Dies bedeutet keine Abwertung von Menschen mit gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen oder eine Minder-Bewertung unseres Empfindens - ganz im Gegenteil. Wir sehen uns als Teil von etwas, das größer ist als wir (Gottes heterosexuelle Schöpfung) und sind weder besser noch schlechter als andere Menschen noch sehen wir uns als etwas Besonderes an und blicken auch nicht auf die herab, die ihre gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen ausleben. Auch konzentriert sich unser Leben nicht auf unser sexuelles und/oder emotionales Empfinden, sondern auf den, dem wir nachfolgen und der uns eine teuer erkaufte Freiheit geschenkt hat, damit auch wir frei sein können: Jesus Christus.

Homosexuals Anonymous

Jason is affiliated to Homosexuals Anonymous:

www.homosexuals-anonymous.com

 

Dr. med. R. Febres Landauro

http://dr-richi.com/german/index.php/de/

Kontaktdaten

Ich freue mich auf Ihren Anruf oder Ihre E-mail. Sie brauchen keine Überweisung.

In Österreich erreichen Sie meine Ordination unter +43 662 84 53 25.

In Deutschland erreichen Sie die Praxis unter +49 8651 979 38 29.

Nonntaler Hauptstraße 1

A-5020 Salzburg

Douglas McIntyre, Co-Founder of HA

What is Homosexuality?

Hinweis fuer Priester und Ordensangehoerige sowie Mitarbeiter in pastoralen Diensten:

Sie dürfen sich jederzeit - auf Wunsch auch anonym - an uns wenden. Sämtliche Anfragen werden vertraulich behandelt.

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Kontakt-Email: [email protected]

Wir freuen uns auf Sie!


The 14 Steps

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our homosexuality and that our emotional lives were unmanageable.

2. We came to believe the love of God, who forgave us and accepted us in spite of all that we are and have done.

3. We learned to see purpose in our suffering, that our failed lives were under God's control, who is able to bring good out of trouble.

4. We came to believe that God had already broken the power of homosexuality and that He could therefore restore our true personhood.

5. We came to perceive that we had accepted a lie about ourselves, an illusion that had trapped us in a false identity.

6. We learned to claim our true reality that as humankind, we are part of God's heterosexual creation and that God calls us to rediscover that identity in Him through Jesus Christ, as our faith perceives Him.

7. We resolved to entrust our lives to our loving God and to live by faith, praising Him for our new unseen identity, confident that it would become visible to us in God's good time.

8. As forgiven people free from condemnation, we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, determined to root out fear, hidden hostility, and contempt for the world.

9. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs and humbly asked God to remove our defects of character.

10. We willingly made direct amends wherever wise and possible to all people we had harmed.

11. We determined to live no longer in fear of the world, believing that God's victorious control turns all that is against us into our favor, bringing advantage out of sorrow and order from disaster.

12. We determined to mature in our relationships with men and women, learning the meaning of a partnership of equals, seeking neither dominance over people nor servile dependency on them.

13. We sought through confident praying, and the wisdom of Scripture for an ongoing growth in our relationship with God and a humble acceptance of His guidance for our lives.

14. Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry this message to homosexual people with a love that demands nothing and to practice these steps in all our lives' activities, as far as lies within us.

While the Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship was inspired by the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, they are not really an adaptation. Rather, they were created specifically for this Fellowship, and should not be construed otherwise. AA, which is a program concerned only with recovery from alcoholism, and is not in any way affiliated with this Fellowship.

Homosexuals Anonymous

Arthur Goldberg

New Homepage: Voices of Change!

Click here for more info.

If

If you were a Facebook member, and if you received a message to accept Jesus as your friend, would you?

If you received Him as a friend and you had the opportunity to say Like Him, would you share Him with your friends?

If He shared some awesome messages on Facebook with you, that could save lives, would you tell your other Facebook friends?

If Jesus asked you to tell your Facebook friends about Him, would you be to ashamed to do so?

If Jesus came to your door today, would you let Him in?

If Jesus walked into your door, would you let Him be your friend?

If Jesus shared a life altering message with you, that could save lives, would you tell your friends?

If you had the opportunity to tell others about Him, would you be too ashamed to do so?

If Jesus allows you a glimpse of Heaven, would He be ashamed of you?

If Jesus opened the door for you to see the Father, would He be your friend?

If Jesus asked the Father to be your friend, would He be ashamed of you?

André

www.thewordswithin.org

 

Homosexuals Anonymous

Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship Services

www.homosexuals-anonymous.com

USA

Homosexuals Anonymous is an international organization dedicated to serving the recovery needs of men and women who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction.

This fellowship of men and women, who through their common spiritual, intellectual and emotional experiences have chosen to help each other live in freedom from homosexuality.

Welcome to our website

If you are a person who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction, you are not alone Homosexuals Anonymous and many other related ministries, counselors and therapists provide valuable resources that can be of great use to you.

Remember always that while no one chooses to have same sex attraction, many do choose to diminish and eliminate those feelings of attraction. All people have the right to self determination, the right to choose for themselves the aspects that comprise their identity. Through HA, you will meet many people who see their identity as being rooted in their faith and not in their unwanted desires and behaviors.

If you are a parent, relative or friend of someone who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction, you can find helpful resources they will appreciate.

If you are a parent, friend or relative of someone who embraces and lives a gay lifestyle, you can find support, encouragement and hope in the material you will find available to you in website. If you are interested in online support groups or forming a local parents support group, please contact us and let us know how we can serve you.

If you are a minister, counselor or therapist looking for a support group and other resources to serve the needs of a counselee wanting freedom from homosexuality, then please read through our website. In your exploration you will learn who we are and how we can help you.

New Book by Dr. Douglas McIntyre!

Broken Chains: A journey of recovery from ssa, anger, addiction and child abuse

Dr. Douglas E. McIntyre (Author)

Paperback: 80 pages

Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (December 19, 2012)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 1481265334

ISBN-13: 978-1481265331

Get it here: http://www.amazon.com/Broken-Chains-journey-recovery-addiction/dp/1481265334/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356982439&sr=1-1&keywords=broken+chains+douglas+mcintyre

Alliance Defending Freedom

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The Christian Post

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Radical | A book by David Platt

Radical | A book by David Platt

Radical | A book by David Platt

Seek Me!

Jeremiah 29:13

King James Version (KJV)

"And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart."

 

My King

Funny thing, if I remember correctly there once used to be a rabbi who did not have any business plan for church mega-growth. No publicity department. No homepage. No emails. No money. Even those He chose as followers were - theologically speaking - illiterates. A handful of dudes, and one even was a bum.

What was He thinking?

When He preached, He used words that drove people away from Him. He couldn't care less. He even asked the remaining rest if they wanted to leave, too. No political correctness here.

Again: What was He thinking?

He could have used other means. He could have been the kind of leader that people back then (and today?) were waiting for. The mighty warlord. The knight in shining armour. The one that kicks some .... and throws those Romans out.

Yes, He could have. He had all the power to do that - and more than that. And what did He do? He dealt with the lowest of the lowest and humbled Himself to their level. He loved people in a way unknown before. With a love that asked for nothing and gave everything. With a love that puts us to shame even today.

He did not fulfill people's expectations. He did not give them what they wanted. He gave them what they truly needed. And to do so, He gave His utmost: He sacrificed Himself and gave His life so we can live. He came down on earth to become man so men could become sons of God. Dying on the cross like a criminal, He even prayed for those who helped nailing Him up there.

And what's worst: He even asked everything of His disciples. They were told to give - no: to sacrifice! - everything they have. To sell all of their possessions, give their money to the poor and follow Him without even looking back. They were even told to give their own lives!

I guess He would still be sort of out of place in some of the churches today.

If I remember correctly, His name was Jesus.

Anybody by chance remember Him?

He is the ruler of my life. He is the one I love and follow.

He is my king.

My saviour.

Rob

theWord Bible Software

I Have Decided to Follow Jesus

"I have decided to follow Jesus. Though no one joins me, still I will follow."

Assam, north-east India, who held on to Jesus when being told to recounce his faith by the village chief. His wife was killed and Assam as well - while he was singing these words: "The cross before me, the world behind me." His strong faith kept on shining: The village chief and others in the village converted afterwards. (see: Wikipedia)

Freedom from SSA

Guys,

there are many professionals who are able to scientifically explain to you how to find freedom from same-sex attractions.

I am a simple man so I will try to tell you in simple terms.

Imagine a father who wants to teach his son how to ride a bike. He will not give him a lesson on the functioning of each single part, where it came from and what it is made of. Nor will he lecture on how the human body works and how the mind coordinates things. He loves his sonny and wants him to be able to ride that bike on his own.

Of course, he could let him continue to ride with additional wheels, but this is not what the father wants. Daddy knows that his son will likely fall a couple of times. There will be tears and some pain as well. But as a loving father he buys his son a bike and takes him out to teach him how to ride.

Now the son does not expect a big lesson or a manual to start with. Yes, he might be somewhat scared as he does not know what to expect and how to handle this bike without additional wheels that keep it stable. But he knows that he can fully trust his father. He loves his daddy more than anything - and daddy loves him. So he takes a courageous first step and lets daddy show him how to do it.

Daddy will fist be there all the time to hold his son while he rides. However, step by step he will let him run a little bit on his own.

Sonny will ride this first bits all shaky and insecure, but then again he trusts his daddy, so he manages to do it - sort of.

Sometimes he will fall and have his knee scratched. Tears will roll down his cheek, but daddy will hold him im his arms and encourage him to take another effort.

Day by day little sonny will drive a little longer all by himself, until he finally manages to ride that bike completely alone. Daddy will be so proud of his son and his son will come running into his arms, thanking his beloved daddy for keeping his promise to be there all the time when things were getting rough on him. Daddy told him that he will ride that bike and all his little son had to do is to trust him just enough that he goes for it.

Sometimes all that keeps us from succeeding is the lack of belief that it can be done.

Rob

Americans for Truth about Homosexuality

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Janelle Hallman

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